Listening to your aging body talk is hard

 Warning: Negativity ahead!

 I'm till having health issues related to the hiatal hernia repair surgery. Went in for an endoscopy yesterday and they found several growths and biopsied them. I won't hear back for about 10 days they said. I'm concerned. There's always a niggling concern of a recurrence of cancer in the back of my mind. I know God's in control and I'm doing my best to trust Him completely but sometimes, that little prickly voice of Satan whispers negativity to me. I try to tune it out by focusing more on the Word. When I get all this junk straightened out, I'll have the knee surgery. I'm barely able to walk now and have started having hip pain a good deal. If it weren't for a special off loading knee brace, I wouldn't be able to walk at all. It sucks getting old. 

God's been teaching me to look for the positive in the negative lately. I don't know if I'm a good student or not. It seems He has to keep emphasizing this message to me. Hopefully, I learn it soon. With that in mind, I'll mention three positive things from today: 

1. My husband and I got up early to walk in a local park. Walking early is easier. The longer I'm on my leg, the more it hurts. 

2. We saw lots of beautiful blossoms popping out on shrubs and trees as we drove through our old neighborhood. It's wonderful to see them each year. I think God calls them forth into bloom every year right before Easter (Resurrection Day) so we can be reminded to thank and praise Him. 

3. After completely housework, we sat outside on the back porch and enjoyed some time reading. It's nice to share that time together each day. 

 

The Most Important Possession I own

Gifts. I've never met anyone who didn't enjoy receiving one. For generations it's been customary to give gifts for special occasions. Most Americans give gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and religious holidays. There's normally a lot of thought that goes into the gift giving process. One might consider a person's hobbies or interests as they choose a gift or perhaps a person has created a shareable wish list of items on Amazon or some other app. Sometimes, a gift is chosen merely because the giver thinks the receiver will enjoy it, and most times, the gift is given out of love instead of obligation. But have you ever given a gift to someone just because? Those types of gifts are so special and I'd like to tell you about one I received about 18 years ago. 

At that time, I was working for a mega church in Atlanta. As a member of the church's counseling team, I had the joy of combining my faith and work daily. Our department was fairly small and led by an ex-priest who'd converted to Christianity. It was a wonderful, tight knit group and we felt like family. We truly loved, appreciated, encouraged, and supported one another. Praying together at the start of each day and often in the middle of the day welded our hearts and grew our faith. As with many office staff groups, we'd do occasional lunches together, celebrate each other's birthdays, and whenever someone was going through a challenging time, we'd share tears. Over the many years I was there, we came to know each other extremely well. 

One day, one of the staff, a sister in Christ, called me into her office. I stood in front of her desk as she said, "I have a gift for you." A look of surprise must have spread across my face as she handed me a new hardcover Bible. At first, I wondered why she was giving me a new Bible. I had a whole collection of them including the first one I'd ever received as a child 59 years ago when I was baptized. She must have guessed what I was thinking and said, "This one is different. It incorporates more depth of meaning by adding both Hebrew and Greek to the translation." That peaked my interests. I didn't have an Amplified Bible in my collection. Graciously, I accepted the gift and went back to my office to open the book. I wanted to dig in and see what she was talking about. For over an hour, during slack time in my schedule, I read that new Bible. It was so different from the other translations I had in my collection and since that day, that specific Bible has become my favorite. 

I've used that specific Bible every single day for the past 18 years studying God's Word diligently. I've highlighted and underlined it, shed many tears onto the pages, recorded family deaths and births in it, packed notes into every margin inside it, and kept special mementos like drawings from my grandchildren, or pressed flowers inside it. In essence, it contains the story of my faith walk. I do use the other Bibles in my collection often, too, but they don't compare to this one. And if there were ever a fire in my home, that would be the one thing I'd grab as I dashed out the door. 

The Bible my friend gave me is all but falling apart now. I've taped it together over and over again but I still love it. One day, I hope one of my children will ask for it as I'm nearing my death and as they read through it, I hope they'll discover how God has been my constant Companion, my source of Strength, and my One True Love. 

Many people have Bibles sitting on their shelves. They don't pick them up and read them because they find the wording hard to understand and absorb. Some think the book is antiquated so they avoid it, but let me tell you, you'll never truly know God if you don't read the Bible. It's His love letter to us. It not only tells us Who He is, but shows us, through the various authors chosen by Him to write it for us, that He wants a personal relationship with us. 

How can you know a friend if you don't talk to them and allow them to talk to you? The Bible speaks. As we read it, our Spirit communes with the heart of God and He speaks to us.  

I'm so thankful my friend was generous enough to give me the gift of a new Bible that day. I'm sure she didn't think much about it. She was probably doing it to be nice and bless our friendship, but I'm so honored she chose me to be the recipient of such a perfect gift. 

Do you have Bibles just sitting somewhere in your home? Maybe you have a translation you don't feel comfortable reading and that's what keeps you away from it. If so, next time you visit a bookstore, look for one you like. There are so many available but I'd like to admonish you - be careful. Some are not accurate translations. Some are paraphrased. If you really want to dig in and get the meat off the bones, so to speak, try an Amplified version. I think you'll find, like I did, that it causes you to hunger for more. And that might just lead you to start doing word studies of both the Hebrew and the Greek. If you don't enjoy reading, there are many audio Bibles available. Whatever method you choose to study God's Word, make a point of doing it and do it daily. It will change your life, empower your walk as a believer, strengthen your faith, and draw you so much closer to God. And if you have a special occasion coming up, a Bible just might be the perfect gift.

 

The Boy on a Leash

It was the most beautiful day today! The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the temperatures had risen. We'd been waiting for a day like this for months it seemed, so we decided to take advantage of it. Books, water bottles, and happiness in tow, we headed to the a local park. We were going to make the most of this glorious day. 

We walked several laps around the park then sat down to soak up some sun. Vitamin D is so vital to health. We sat there talking for several minutes and then started to read as the clocked ticked by. Before we knew it school was out and children started arriving. Most of them headed for the playground. Their peals of laughter made us smile. Other adults were on the trails getting their exercise in. We watched as each individual or small group passed by. 

One couple caught our attention. They were a good distance from us but we could tell by their stooped stature they were an older couple. There was something between them that we couldn't quite make out and we wondered what it was. As they got closer to us, we could see it wasn't a what but a who. 

When they were less than 100 yards from us, we could see a young boy on what looked like a big wheel (a low riding tricycle type thing my kids used to have). But there was something very different about this contraption. It had metal wheels on the back that looked like hub caps and there was a long orange leash attached the back of it. On the big wheel was a young teenage boy. What in the world?! Why would they have a leash attached to the boy, we wondered. We kept on watching and before we knew it, they were right in front of us and that's when we understood. The boy was physically challenged. It looked like he had cerebral palsy. The couple, apparently his grandparents, must have been babysitting while his parents were at work. But why a leash? We kept watching. 

Just as they passed in front of us, the grandfather asked the boy if he was ready. We waited to see what happened? The boy grinned and then the grandfather said, "Go!" He gave the big wheel a good push and off down the hill the boy went. The hill wasn't steep and had a flat dip in the middle of it so we wondered what would happen when the boy got to that and whether or not he was going to stay on or fall off the contraption. Leash dragging behind, he flew down the hill and when he reached the dip, the big wheel slowed drastically. The entire time the boy was moving, the grandfather was walking quickly behind while the grandmother moved at a slower pace. We were so shocked. We'd never seen anything like that before. Eyes transfixed we were mesmerized. 

The boy sat patiently waiting for his grandfather. When the elderly man reached him, we wondered what would happen. We watched as he bent over and grabbed hold of the leash. Gently he lifted it and all of a sudden began to pull the boy up the next hill. Wow! That's when it hit me, this was such a beautiful picture of the power of love! 

The young boy, because of his physical impairment, wouldn't have been able to ride on his own so the grandfather rigged up a way to give him that freedom. The leash made the boy feel safe and secure, even though he may not have realized going down a hill fast could have meant danger. We even noticed, on one swift pass, there were velcro staps keeping the boys feet firmly in place. 

On the next trip around, I snapped a photo. I tried my best to do it discreetly. I wanted to keep this reminder of love. As soon as I depressed the shutter button, the boy turned to me and gave me the cutest grin. And that's when I felt God speak to my heart, always look for the positive in the negative. 

1 Corinthians 13 is the chapter in the Bible all about love. If you haven't read it recently, I hope you will. Those grandparents were probably in their mid 80s if I had to guess. I'm sure it was challenging for them to take care of that boy much less bring him to the park, which they probably did often, according to how routine it seemed to them all but they did it anyway. Instead of allowing the boy's disability to keep him bound, they set him free with a little leash security. They wanted to make sure he was protected. And that's how God watches over us. 

Life often takes us through many ups and downs. There are good days and bad days. We never know exactly what to expect. We move forward in freedom but God always protects. Sometimes we don't understand His nos, yeses, or even the maybes, but we have to trust His leash of love is so powerful, He'll never let go of us. 

To some, that bright orange leash may have looked controlling and to a degree, it was, but it was more for the boy's benefit than anything else. I'm so thankful God allowed us to be there for that beautiful picture. Oh, I forgot to mention, as we headed out to the park, Phil had forgotten his wallet. We were halfway there when he remembered, so we headed back home to get it. After getting his wallet, we started out again only to get stuck behind a funeral processional. Finally, we got it and headed out again, only to get stuck in school traffic. I thought we'd never get to the park! But those delays, I believe, were ordained. I think God wanted me to see what I saw today - the boy on a leash! It was absolutely the highlight of my day. 

A Happy Heart

Smack dab in the center of my refrigerator door hangs the cutest little piece of art you ever did see. Oh course, I'm a little prejudiced. It was created by my then 7 year old granddaughter, Heather. 

You see, she loves art as much as I do and we enjoy creating together. Even at her tender young age, she's learned the value and power of art to minister to our souls. 

At first glance, you might think her artwork isn't anything special, a few words and a lot of simple, colorful hearts but you'd be extremely wrong. Underneath those shaky primary letters and those multicolored hearts lie a whole lot of love and tenderness. 

When Heather presented me with this artwork, weeks ago, she had no idea how a simple drawing would minister to me on a daily basis. 

To be honest, there have been many days since we last visited that I've struggled. Not only have I had some health challenges but I've also had some down days, which is very unlike me. But the cold, rainy, gray February days and the inability to get outside brought on a tiny bit of depression. 

Usually, whenever I feel a bit of sadness coming on, I yank myself up by the bootstraps and give myself a swift kick in the rear - ain't nobody got time for that, I tell myself, but this time, it wasn't that easy. 

Until...

I walked into the kitchen and saw the most beautiful reminder of joy I'd ever seen. And that little drawing made me smile. 

The Bible doesn't talk much about happiness, but it speaks a whole lot about joy. Read these verses: 

"The commandments of the Lord are right, bringing joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are clear, giving insight into living."  Psalm 19:8

"Joyful are people of integrity, who follow the instructions of the Lord. Joyful are those who obey his laws and search for him with all their hearts. They do not compromise with evil, and they walk only in his paths." Psalm 119: 1-3

Those are a couple of very good reasons to choose joy every day, don't you think? 

Maybe you don't have a Heatherbug in your life to make creative works of art for your fridge, but I'm so thankful I do. All of us need to find ways of coping in these tumultuous times and if there's something or someone who can help you remember to seek joy first thing each morning, I hope you focus there. 

Everything doesn't have to be right in your world for you to experience happiness. . If you keep your focus on God and eternity, it is easier to experience joy even in challenging times.

In John 10:10, Jesus said, "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full." 

We are not meant to merely make it through life. We are supposed to live life to the fullest. And that means we should be happy and joyful. We aren't supposed to simply be alive in the sense that our heart is beating, and we have breath in our lungs. We are supposed to have a life that we enjoy - an abundant and full life. And the only way to have that is through Christ. 

Facing Discouragement Head On

This past year was full of health challenges and after a couple of surgeries, I thought I was headed for a new year of better health, but things haven't gone the way I expected.

Over the past month, I've struggled with even more issues, visited several doctors, and still have no answers. Friday I went to the doctor again and found out I need another endoscopy. (I've already had 4 done in the past.) When I heard the news I became very discouraged wondering if I was ever going to feel good again. 

That afternoon, I spent most of the day crying and praying asking God for help. I felt so helpless and alone. I didn't want to burden my friends or family with my problems. I've always tried to be the positive one, the one with rose colored glasses. And to make matters worse I haven't been sleeping. Why am I sharing all this very personal information? Because I need prayer. I'm human. I'm weak. 

We didn't go to church today because of my health issues. Instead, we watched an old sermon by Pastor Adrian Rogers. The sermon was on discouragement and boy, what a timely message! 

Adrian gave Biblical reasons why we face discouragement which included fatigue, frustration, fear, and failure. As I listened, it was like he was speaking directly to me. I'd faced all those recently and they'd really weighed me down. 

Thankfully, he also reminded me, as I listened, how to pinpoint causes of these feelings and how to combat them. The keys, he said, were to renew your strength by remembering God's constant closeness, to remember how He's protected and provided for you in the past, and to keep your eyes fixed on the Lord. 

Before the sermon ended, he shared a poem (author unknown) that gave me a little kick in the rear- 

"I want to let go, but I won’t let go. There are battles to fight, By day and night, For God and the right— And I’ll never let go.

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. I’m sick, tis true, Worried and blue, And worn through and through, But I won’t let go.

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. I will never yield! What! Lie down on the field and surrender my shield? No, I’ll never let go!

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. May this be my song: “Mid legions of wrong— Oh, God, keep me strong That I may never let go!”

I know there are many fighting their own battles today, and like me, discouragement may have wrapped its fist tightly around you. If you're struggling, please don't give up. Heed the words from Adrian's sermon and the poem I've shared. More importantly remember these Scripture verses: 

"I can do ALL things through Christ to strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 

"But thanks be to God, who in Christ ALWAYS leads us in triumph (as trophies of Christ's victory ) and through us spreads and makes evident the fragrance of the knowledge of God everywhere." 2 Corinthians 2:14 

Please pray for me in the days ahead:

1. That the test will be scheduled this week and the problem will be discovered. 

2. Pray for my gastroenterologist, Dr. Woods,  to have wisdom to know best how to help me. 

4. Pray the tests don't reveal a cancer recurrence. 

5. Pray for me to have the ability to combat discouragement with faith. 

Thank you so much.

Ready for Spring

These cold, dreary days are so depressing! The bare trees and gray skies exacerbate my feelings of longing. I'm ready for Spring, for the hope of new life it brings and for the anticipation of what the remainder of the year holds. 

I've often wondered why God instilled in bears the instinct to hibernate in the winter. How do they know when to start fattening up on food and preparing their dens? I like to think God has put an internal clock inside them and as time draws near, He pricks them with a sense of urgency. You wouldn't think big, burly bears would need to spend months sleeping, but they do. And when their time of rest is up, they groggily come out of their dens starving. As they go in search of berries or other sustenance, their weakened state becomes strong again. They move forward ready to resume activity, mate, and bear babies. 

Gray days make me want to curl up into a ball and sleep for days, but I don't. Of course, when the days are shorter, I do tend to go to bed earlier, but I don't sleep well and that makes the long nights seem even longer. So I normally try to stay busy doing something - whether it's reading and enjoying a hot cup of tea, painting some piece of art a friend or family member might enjoy, or taking walks with my husband. Sometimes those things get boring and feel antsy, but I know, if I hold out, Spring will be here soon. 

My roses already have new growth on them. Seeing the dark, reddish leaves budding helps me cling to the fact that winter will soon be over. The time change will take place, the days will be longer, and it will feel like there's a reason to be alive again. Hmmm....reading that just made me realize what the problem is - I think I have a touch of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It's a condition that causes people to become depressed during winter. Often medication or daylight simulating lamps can help. 

As I continue to mark the days off the calendar and countdown to Spring, I have to look for ways to overcome feelings of winter blues. If I was a bear I could hibernate and not worry about it, but I'm not so I'll do the best I can and look forward to what's to come. I can't wait til the bluebirds start to nest, they're so cheery and colorful. And they make me feel happy.

Sunshine my shoulder

It's s funny how something as simple as a sunny day can make you feel so nostalgic. My husband and I had just finished our walk in the local cemetery and the sun was shining so brightly. I could feel the warmth on my face and it made me happy. We'd done three laps and felt good about it so we sat down on a bench to rest. As we sat there, I closed my eyes and basked in the sun. A few minutes later, John Denver's song, "Sunshine on My Shoulder" was playing in my head. I hummed along and thought back to a special memory in 1978 (or it could have been '79, my memory is not as good as it used to be..)

I remembered being on a family vacation. We'd gone to a beautiful place in North Georgia called Lake Marvin. My family and I were staying for the week at a cabin owned by the Girl Scouts of America. My mother was a Girl Scout leader and had access to the cabin which was a blessing for us. Family vacations were expensive and we didn't have much money. 

There were many special memories on that trip, but one of my favorites was getting into a canoe and going across the lake with my younger brother. We paddled up to a beaver dam, laughing and talking along the way. We both loved nature so much and just being under the low-hanging trees with a slight breeze in the air was amazing. We stayed at the beaver dam for about 30 minutes looking for beavers and then headed back toward the cabin. As we were rowing, the sun was glinting off the water. I don't think I'd ever felt such peace. 

Paddling slowly and in tandem, we reached the shore, pulled up the canoe, and went back into the cabin. I think later that afternoon he and my dad went fishing along the shore of the lake while my mother, sister and I stayed inside fixing the meal. 

It always amazes me how past memories pop up when I least expect them. But when they do, I'm glad because it feels like I'm reliving the memory all over again. 

My brother left this Earth in 2021. I've missed him so much but I imagine, if there's a lake anywhere in heaven, he's out on a boat fishing. And if he is, I'm sure the sunshine it's just over his shoulder and he's feeling fine.

Breaking into Beautiful

Kim White

Recently, I watched a movie on the Angel network called Breaking into Beautiful. It's the extraordinary story of Kim White, a young woman faced with a rare, aggressive form of cancer called adrenocoritical carcinoma. It was both a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. As I watched the movie, I was dumbfounded at White's strength, courage, and determination. The movie documents her cancer fight through heartfelt videos and Instagram posts. Throughout her 6 year battle, Kim never gave up hope. She did everything in her power to beat the disease, including agreeing to try clinical trials and risky surgical procedures. The movie was raw and real. That's what made me want to watch it. 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, the same year as Kim, I did my best to share what I was going through with family and friends. I felt it important to present a true and accurate picture of what living life with cancer was like. I never wanted to hide what I was going through and though my cancer was very different from Kim's, I still faced many very challenging battles. 

I wrote a book about my journey and was surprised when some family and friends criticized me for being too open about my struggles. They felt some of the things I shared should've been kept behind closed doors, but I chose to share those intimate details in hopes of helping someone else. I felt it incumbent upon myself to do that. 

I don't find myself thinking much about cancer these days. It's been 11 years since the day I heard, "You have cancer," so it's not an integral part of my life anymore. I do, however, like to read books about survivors or watch movies that share their stories. It's been interesting to see how each individual chooses to face the challenge of fighting the disease. Some choose to give it all they've got, like Kim White did, and others resign themselves to the fact that they're going to die from the disease, so they don't put up much of a fight. Personally, I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to do everything in their power to fight. In my experience, cancer can't touch an indomitable spirit.  

Faith was a key element in my battle and also in Ms. White's. It seemed to be the secret key that powered our resolve. Knowing God and God alone knew the number of days allotted us, allowed us to come to a form of acceptance. In essence, whatever happened, whether we lived or died, was going to be okay. 

Right now, as I sit in my office, there's a large whiteboard on the wall. On it, I record daily prayer needs. Currently, there are a dozen specific needs, each shared with me via phone, text, or social media. Of those twelve requests, 7 are for people struggling with different types of cancer. The majority of those people fall into the 30-45 year old age group, and that makes me so sad. It seems they're in the prime of life and should be enjoying life with sheer abandon instead of fighting diligently each day to survive. 

Kim White only lived to be 32. She was a daughter, wife, and mother. In between her various treatments, the movie showed Kim's determination to grab every ounce of gusto she could from life. She wasn't about to just roll over and die. 

As the movie covered her cancer journey, the physical devastation to her body became more and more evident but each time she endured treatment, she seemed to rebound. During those times of recovery, she went hiking, rock climbing, snowboarding, and swimming. She was determined to squeeze every good moment out of every day she was given. In one scene of the movie, Kim is shown with a shorn head traveling down a slip and slide with her young daughter. Her frail body clings tightly to the love of her life as she squeals with glee. When I watched that scene, it did something to me. It made me realize, even on the best days of my life, when I'm not struggling with any health issues, I don't live like that. 

Health is something many take for granted and I'll admit, until I was diagnosed with cancer, I did the same. Cancer was a huge wakeup call for me. It made me realize life is short and I never know when my number will be up. 

Since watching the movie, Breaking into Beautiful, I've been reminded I'd better get busy living. Instead of letting each day pass in the typical mundane way, I want to live like Kim with exuberance and joy. I've realized cancer can only steal from you what you let it. If you allow it to steal your joy and hope, you have nothing left. 

I'm so thankful to still be here 11 years post diagnosis. Kim only got 6 years of life after finding out she had cancer. In March, I go back to the cancer treatment center for my annual checkup. As I watch the day draw nearer and nearer on the calendar, I start to get this niggling feeling in the back of my mind - what if I face a recurrence? How would I respond to that news? I'd like to think I could be as determined and strong willed as Kim was in her fight, but I'm not sure I would be. 

My first (and hopefully last) go round with cancer was difficult but not unbearable. Physically, I've pretty much recovered other than the challenge of lymphedema, an unexpected gift cancer left me after having lymph nodes removed. Mentally, I'm in a much better place now than I was 11 years ago, but there are still days I feel less than. Spiritually, I feel like I'm stronger now than I was back then and I can honestly say thank you to cancer for that, but it's been tough. No one can truly understand what it's like to fight cancer until they're in the midst of the battle, but watching real life stories like Kim's can surely provide a heaping dose of reality.  

Kim lived a remarkable life and her story will inspire many for years to come. I'm thankful she wanted to openly share her journey with the world. Who knows how many people, myself included, will change the way they face each day because of her example.

I want a love like that.

Yesterday we got up early and headed to our doctor's office. It was time for our routine checkups. Pulling into the parking lot, we were surprised to find it completely full. After circling around a few times, we lucked up and found a car leaving so we snagged the spot. As we approached the door to enter the building, we noticed several people wearing masks again. We looked at each other and shrugged. Though Covid still lingered, the new concern for many was influenza. We were thankful we'd had vaccines at our last visit. The doc had suggested the high dose injection, the one for old folks. 

We made it up the elevator and into the waiting room. Sitting down, we noticed there were only a handful of people. We took seats and waited to be called back. Most of the people in the room were staring blankly at the huge TV screen mounted on the wall, a distraction to help ease anxiety. From our seats along the side of the room, we heard the familiar voices of "Golden Girls." An elderly woman to our left began laughing at something Estelle Getty said. Her smile was precious. As we waited, more and more people filed in.

A nurse entered the room and called out, "Jack, is there a Mr. Jack _____ here??" Everyone looked around the room waiting for a response. Though there were 3 men in the waiting room, none of them turned at the nurse's call. From across the room, a middle aged woman discreetly motioned toward an elderly man suggesting he might be Jack. When the man didn't turn, I assumed he was hard of hearing and leaned forward. I was seated directly in front of him and knew he could see me. I spoke loudly and used sign language, "Are you Jack?" He shook his head and went back to watching the television. A moment or two later, the door to the back office opened.

In the doorway stood the nurse and a senior adult woman. The nurse was helping her shuffle across the carpeted floor.When they reached her husband, the man we thought was Jack, the nurse released her hold and said goodbye. The gentleman rose to his feet with the aid of a cane. When he was fully upright, his wife slipped her arm into the crook of his. I watched carefully as they slowly made their way toward the exit. They were so cute. As they were walking, I thought, "I want a love like that." I wanted a love that lasted forever, a tender, precious caring love - one that looked past the wrinkles and sagging hips, one that still saw beauty even though it had long faded. 

When they reached the door to exit, the woman turned toward her husband and smiled. He leaned close and touched her cheek. Then they were gone. I imagined they'd walk hand in hand to the elevator and then continue through the medical building before reaching the parking lot. In my mind's eye, I could hear them, "What did the doctor say, dear?" And as she responded to his question, I imagined she'd have to repeat herself several times in order for him to hear. 

Love, so much power in a such a tiny word. Just 4 letters but, wow. 

A minute later, it was our turn to see the doctor. We'd made our appointments simultaneously for convenience. The nurses had gotten used to setting up the exam room for 2 instead of for 1 and they knew, since we'd been married so long, we had nothing to hide from each other. And often, my husband's hearing loss required me to interpret the doctor's questions so he could understand before answering. Our visit went well and we were told to come back in 6 months for lab work. 

After saying goodbye to the medical staff, I looked at my husband and smiled. His eyes were twinkling. Taking my hand, we strode toward the exit. His large hand felt so warm and comforting. That's when I realized, we already had the kind of love displayed by the elderly couple, the kind I'd always wanted. I guess I'd just become too comfortable and hadn't remembered those times he reached for my hand as we walked, the times he'd looked at me with adoration, the times he took care of me when I was ill, never leaving my side. I'd forgotten about the time he stood outside the church in the pouring rain without an umbrella because he wanted to ask me out. I'd stopped paying attention to the multitude of ways he expressed his love and devotion to me, it had become so commonplace, I failed to notice until I'd been reminded by the elderly couple. Without saying a word, they'd shown me I already had that kind of love. I was so blessed. If I'd had the chance, I would have thanked them for the gentle reminder they'd given me. I was the lucky one. 

As we grow older, I pray one day a young couple will notice us. Perhaps they'll lean toward each other as one of them whispers, "I want a love like that." Love should never be taken for granted. It should be treasured and protected at all costs. It's the most precious commodity one can possess and when you find that forever love, like we have, it's a marvelous thing.

30 minutes isn't long enough

Today I watched the online service for my ex sister-in-law. She lived in Canada and I wasn't able to attend in person, but thankfully, her girls sent me a link so I could watch online. A lot of people may not understand caring for an ex relative. Divorce is supposed to sever all of those ties, right? But that's not always the case. 

On February 1, I got a Facebook message from one of my ex nieces. She told me her mother's condition was grave and I might want to call before it was too late. I wasn't shocked by the call. For several years, her Mom had been in an assisted living facility and had been struggling with many health issues. We'd stayed in touch during that time and had been sporadically in touch since 1974 via phone or mail, but with the invention of Facebook, we touched base several times a day. 

When we first met, over 50 years ago, I was thrilled. I'd never had a sister in law before. She was like a big sister to me and though she wasn't that much older than me, I wanted to be like her. We had so much in common - our love of crocheting, sewing, and many other types of crafts. We didn't get to see each other often, since distance was an issue, but when we did, we made the most of our time doing things we loved. 

Once, shortly after my first husband and I married, she and her husband came down to spend the week with us. They traveled from Vermont all the way down to Georgia. It was such a fun week as we cooked together, played card games, and ran around sight seeing. When it was time for them to leave, we made a promise we'd see each other again soon, but that never happened due to several things. Her husband passed away and I got divorced. 

We passed gifts to one another back and forth through mail, always trying to find something unique and fun. It was a way of letting each other know we still loved and cared for one another. Once she made me a beautiful crocheted sweater and sent it to me for Christmas. I wore that thing until it fell apart. And who knows how many mugs we went each other - personalized with both our names, so we'd never forget. Now she's gone. 

During that last phone call, I could tell she was struggling to breathe. She'd been on oxygen for a long time because of COPD and other issues, but I hadn't expected the constant breathlessness as we talked. At one point, I was so worried about her talking, I asked her to stop and rest. I wanted her to take a break, not only for herself, but also for me. It made me extremely anxious hearing her struggle for air. During that time, I recounted old memories and she'd giggle as she remembered. Before we hung up, I told her I loved her and wanted her to keep fighting. I had no idea she'd die the next morning and when I got the news, I was heartbroken. Not only for her girls, but also for her second husband. I also beat myself up because I hadn't thought to share the plan of salvation with her. Instead of reminiscing, in an effort to make her laugh, I should have been more concerned about where she'd spend eternity. I've tried to take solace in knowing she was raised in the Catholic faith, but I still feel I let her down. 

The service was streamed and only lasted about 30 minutes. During that time, a very young priest did his best to give a nice sermon. Since he'd never met my ex sister-in-law, he only knew what the family had shared with him. He did an okay job, but could have done better. 

I was so sad to see her urn sitting on a wooden table at the front of the funeral home. There was one very small floral arrangement there. Before the "service" began, a quick slide show was presented. There weren't even 35 photos...it was so sad. 

The camera was angled toward the front pew. Sitting there were her 2 daughters and one son in law. I couldn't help but watch them as the priest talked. One of the girls was very distraught. The other was doing her best to be strong. 

30 minutes. That's all she got. This wonderful friend, wife, mother, grandmother, sister, and aunt...half an hour. It seemed ludicrous to me. How can you honor someone who's lived and loved for 74 years and sum it up in 30 minutes? But that's all she got and that made me wonder how much time I'll get when I leave this Earth. Will my family take time to celebrate my life? I hope so. Will they be devastated at my leaving? I assume so, but I also hope they'll be happy for me - that I'll have no more pain or suffering. I've been through an awful lot of that throughout my life. 

When I die, I plan to be cremated. I've already got my urn. I bought it at an antique sale held by the mega church I used to work for many years ago. It's a lovely shade of turquoise and I got it for $5 - what a steal! I told my husband and the kids I wanted to have my ashes put in the urn and then, whenever they were ready, I wanted to be taken to one of our favorite camping spots - Cumberland Island, and be sprinkled there at Sea Camp beach. 

I don't really care if I get more than 30 minutes but I do hope they take time to remember good things about me. I've tried to live my life well and live it to the fullest - despite criticism, hurt, and pain from those who didn't even try to understand me. And many of those have been family members who say I use things I experience as "fodder" for my blog. It hurts to know they feel that way, but blogging is cathartic and healing for me. I don't force any of them to read what I write. 

I'll miss my sweet friend and ex sister-in-law. She was a good person and she will be greatly missed. 30 minutes doesn't seem like a long time down here, but up in heaven, I imagine it would feel like an eternity. I pray I'll see her there one day and if I do, we're going to do a lot of catching up.

Cutting expenses to live well on Social Security

I held my first job when I was 12 years old babysitting for a family with seven children. I don't remember exactly, but I believe I got paid a dollar an hour to watch all those kids. I babysat other children afterwards. I wanted to work and earn money so badly. Back then my family was struggling and I needed to earn money to buy necessities, but also to help my family when I could. 

After getting a work permit, I got my first real job at a local department store working in their credit department as a bill collector. I wasn't cut out for that, but I worked hard at it and excelled.

I went on to have several careers I enjoyed very much, including working for 5 pediatricians, 2 chiropractors, one mega church, a hair salon, and a seminary. 

My favorite job of all didn't pay anything monetarily, but all the hugs and kisses I got from my four children made up for it. I loved being a mother! 

I retired in 2011 and haven't really known what to do since then. My husband retired year before last, and since then life has been drastically different. In the past we would take trips whenever we wanted and buy the things we needed with no problem. Now we're finding we have to watch our pennies. We plan our trips a year in advance saving so we can truly enjoy them as they come. Social Security doesn't provide enough to meet the cost of living these days. 

In an effort to reduce spending, I've started watching YouTube videos on frugality. I've also been remembering things from my childhood.  My mother was a very resourceful and thrifty person. I learned many valuable lessons from watching her. 

In one of the YouTube videos I watched recently, they recommended contacting your car insurance company to reduce rates, so I did it. After talking with our agent, she suggested raising our deductibles and taking a safe driving course online which would provide even more savings. I agreed to do all of those things not knowing the safe driving course would be 6 hours long. She told me I wouldn't have to complete the course in one sitting though and I was glad to hear that. 

This morning, after breakfast, I decided to begin the course. I assumed it would be quick and easy, that the 6 hours would fly by. Not so. As I've gone through the past 2 hours working on the test, I feel like I'm back in highschool taking Driver's Ed learning.

Thankfully this online course provides good videos. It does move quickly and if you don't pay attention, as each quiz comes, you might not get the correct answer. In order to complete the course and obtain your certificate, you must pass with at least 70% of the correct answers. I'm sure I can do that. The hard thing about this test is having to sit so long. There's no way I could do it for 6 hours straight. My plan is to break it up into 2 hour increments. I completed my first 2 hour testing today and have two more days to go.

Is it worth it? I think it will be. After pulling the numbers it looks like we'll save about $200 every 6 months on each of our vehicles. I think that's pretty good! I don't know what else I'll do this year to reduce expenses, but I imagine I'll do whatever I can. 

Being frugal, I'm learning, takes time, energy, and effort, but hey, if you can save a buck here and there, it's more money in your pocket, right? With the current economy, we all need to save and be careful with our spending. And I think it's always wise to have some side hustles like I do working as a freelance writer, selling my art, etc. 

Honestly I'm not complaining one bit! I like to be busy, always have. I guess I am the epitome of a type A personality and I'll own that with pride.

 

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Where did January go?

Where did January go? It seems the older I get the faster the months go! Goodbye and good riddance, January! You were cold and dreary. Welcome, February, the month of love and hopefully, warmer temperatures. 

This will undoubtedly be a hard month for many. Some of my friends have lost their mates. That love they thought would last a lifetime is gone. Others are longing for love. They've searched high and low but haven't found the deep, true love they're seeking. And then there's folks like me, who have been blessed with love and have grown comfortable and old with it, sometimes taking it for granted, even though they don't mean to... In each of those situations, there's one common denominator - the rarity of the gift. 

The greatest gift we can give others is love. To do that, we must give of ourselves but in order to give the right kind of love, we have to love God first. The Bible tells us that is the greatest command - to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind. The second command is to love others as ourselves. 

Self love isn't always easy, but if we really admit it, we do love ourselves to some degree. 

So what's a practical way we can show love to others? One of the best ways I've found to show love to others is to pray for them. This is a gift of love I can give often. Whenever a friend or loved one mentions a need, I immediately record it then, over the next days, weeks, months, and sometimes even years, I pray for each need until there's an answer. It's a great faith builder to see God work in the lives of others. 

Sometimes the needs are answered quickly and other times the answer isn't an expected one. God chooses when and how He responds according to His perfect will. 

Prayer, as an act of love, is an easy thing to do. 

This month, why not list each of your friends prayer needs they've mentioned on social media? Then, as you go about your day, and God brings someone to mind, say a little prayer for them. You might not know exactly what to say because you won't have all the details, but God knows the need. You can offer up a simple prayer like this: 

"Oh, Gracious Heavenly Father, right now, I feel You putting ____________ on my heart. I don't know what ____________ really needs right now, but you do. Would you please meet that need according to Your perfect will? Would you surround my friend with Your comforting presence? May ________feel your strong arms of compassion undergirding (him/her) throughout the day? And Father, may I be quick to offer words of love and encouragement to ________ in the days ahead as you lead me. Thank you for what you're going to do and thank you that I can come boldly before Your throne with my requests. In the Precious name of Jesus, I pray, Amen." 

We should love others because He first loved us, so let's do it! And remember, love is an action word. You have to put forth a little effort to get it going.