Who's in control?

I had to have a little talk with myself recently, and it started with my phone. From the minute I get up in the morning until the minute I go to bed at night, that little thing seems determined to get my attention. There’s always something waiting for me, a message, an email, a Facebook notification, or some other little alert. And what do I do? I pick it up. “Let me just see what that is.” Then one thing leads to another, and before I know it, I’ve spent far more time on my phone than I ever intended. 

Lately, I’ve found myself asking, Who’s really in control here- my phone or me? I already know the answer, but sometimes knowing the answer and living like it are two different things. So I’ve decided to make some changes. I’m turning off some notifications, putting my phone down more often, and reminding myself that I don’t have to respond to everything the moment it happens. My phone is supposed to be a tool I use; it was never supposed to become the master of my time. And that got me thinking about something even more important: How often do I allow the things around me to steal the time God has given me?

Ephesians 5:15-16 tells us to “walk circumspectly... redeeming the time.” Redeeming the time means making the most of it and being intentional with the moments God has given us. Once a moment is gone, we don’t get it back. There are people who deserve my attention more than a screen does. There are conversations I don’t want to miss, books I want to read, prayers I want to pray, sunsets I want to watch, and quiet moments with God that are far more valuable than knowing what everybody on Facebook is doing. And honestly, Facebook will survive if I don’t check it every ten minutes. 

I’m learning that sometimes putting the phone down isn’t really about technology at all. It’s about choosing what deserves my attention. At the end of my life, I don’t want to look back and wish I had spent more time scrolling. I want to know I spent my time loving people, making memories, serving God, and being present for the life He gave me. So I’m asking myself one more time: Who’s in control-my phone or me? It really shouldn’t be a hard decision. I think it’s time I took back my time

Apparently, My Knee Has Declared War on My OCD

Yucky scar

I have fought my OCD for years. And when I say fought, I mean FOUGHT. I have straightened things that were already straight, rearranged things that were perfectly fine exactly where they were, and lined things up so precisely that I’m pretty sure a ruler would have been impressed. Crooked pictures? Absolutely not. Uneven labels? Call the authorities. Something sitting just slightly askew? My brain would not rest until it had been corrected. For years, I managed to keep this particular battle somewhat under control. Then I had knee replacement surgery, and apparently my new knee has decided it would like to join the fight, and it is firmly on the side of “Girl, you're going to have to let some things go.”

There are things I simply can't do the way I used to. I can't bend down low enough to get into the bathtub comfortably. I can't sit on the floor. I can't kneel to pray. And for someone who has spent a lifetime believing that everything has a proper place, a proper position, and preferably a proper angle, this has been quite the adjustment. My knee has basically become the boss of my body, and apparently it has very little patience for my need to have everything perfectly organized.

Today, I was working on my craft shelving unit. I decided to put labels on the drawers because, naturally, if you're going to have craft supplies, you need to know exactly where everything belongs. I was happily labeling away until I got to the drawers near the bottom. And there they were: crooked. Not horribly crooked. Not even noticeably crooked to a normal human being. But crooked enough that my OCD immediately sounded the alarm. Normally, I would have gotten down on the floor, adjusted myself into whatever position was necessary, squinted one eye, tilted my head, moved the label approximately 1/16 of an inch, stepped back, looked at it again, and repeated the process until it was perfectly straight. But there was one small problem: my knee said no.

I couldn't get down there. I couldn't sit on the floor. I couldn't contort myself into the human pretzel position required to make those little labels perfectly straight. So I stood there looking at them, and they looked back at me. Crooked. I could almost hear my OCD whispering, “You're really going to leave that like that?” And for perhaps the first time in my life, I thought, “Yep. I might.” Now, let's be clear. This is not some miraculous transformation where I've suddenly become the woman who can walk past a crooked picture and sleep peacefully that night. I'm not there yet. There is still a tiny voice in my head that wants to fix everything from the crooked throw pillow to the picture frame that's approximately one millimeter off center.

But I've decided to see how long I can let those labels stay crooked. Maybe an hour. Maybe a day. Maybe until Jesus comes back. I'm kidding. Probably. The truth is, living with OCD can be exhausting. For those of us who struggle with it, the things that seem insignificant to everyone else can feel incredibly significant to us. Someone else may look at a crooked label and see a crooked label. We may look at it and feel like our entire brain has just been handed a fire alarm. That's why I'm learning that sometimes the victory isn't making everything perfect. Sometimes the victory is leaving it imperfect. Sometimes winning means walking away. Sometimes it means resisting that overwhelming urge to fix, straighten, organize, check, or redo something one more time.

And sometimes, apparently, winning means having a knee replacement that physically prevents you from getting down there to straighten the stupid label. Who knew my orthopedic surgeon would become part of my OCD treatment plan? I'm learning something important through all of this: I don't have to be controlled by the need for everything to be just right. I can be uncomfortable and still be okay. I can look at something crooked and remind myself that crooked doesn't mean catastrophic. I can leave something unfinished or imperfect and allow my mind to discover that the world doesn't actually end.

Maybe that's what I'm going to call this season: The Season of Letting the Label Be Crooked. It may not sound very profound, but for someone like me, it actually is. If you struggle with OCD, anxiety, perfectionism, or that relentless little voice that tells you something simply must be fixed before you can relax, I want you to know you're not alone. I understand the frustration. I understand how something seemingly insignificant can become a very big deal inside your head, and I'm learning right alongside you.

Today, my labels aren't perfectly straight. My knee won't let me fix them. My OCD really doesn't like that. But you know what? We're all going to survive. And maybe tomorrow I'll look at those crooked labels and laugh instead of reaching for a ruler. Or maybe I'll eventually figure out some creative way to fix them without bending my knee. After all, I'm still me. I'm just learning that sometimes a little crooked is okay, and maybe that's a lesson I needed long before I ever had knee replacement surgery.

Losing Control Isn't Easy for a Type A Person

 

Be forewarned, this is a very long, personal devotional and definitely falls into the category of oversharing, but I need to do this for myself and hopefully, to encourage and bless someone else. (Also, if you're squeamish, you might not want to look at the pictures.)

Most of the people who know me know I'm a firstborn child. As a result of that, I learned quickly to become a people pleaser. I wanted to always do good and be good so I'd get the attention and affection of both my parents and others in my life. To do that, I learned I needed to be in control. I worked hard to keep things in check, things both big and small. But if you've ever studied about it, people pleasing isn't a good thing. In fact, it's a nasty flesh pattern and one that isn't a becoming trait. It's not something that makes God pleased. 

 

Through the years, I've struggled to learn to let go of my people pleasing tendencies and to squelch my need for control. I'm ashamed to admit it, but even today, I struggle a little with both of these although where I am today is way better than I was in the past. 

 

Without going into a very long list of details, I'll give you a nutshell version - I've endured trials many would never imagine, most of them health related, but there have been many others as well. I'm a strong person, not physically, but spiritually, and I know these trials have been permitted by the hand of God to refine and reshape my life. 

 

Kardia EKG machine

Yesterday started out as a good day. After breakfast, I started in on my housework. We ran a few errands, came home and had lunch. It was a typical day until it wasn't. 

 

Phil had gone out to work in the yard. We just had a lot of sod installed and it had to be watered. While he was doing that, I came into my office to check emails, write some prisoners (I'm part of a prison ministry), and do a few other piddly things. As I was working on an email, I started to feel funny. My heart was beating really fast and wasn't beating in the normal lub dub rhythm. I won't lie, it scared me and I became very shaky. I knew my blood pressure must be up too, so I went to check it. When I did, it was 202/99 and my pulse rate was 138. Definitely not good. 

 

Next, I pulled out my portable EKG (my cardiologist had suggested I get one several months ago after a similar experience.) The EKG was quick and indicated Tachycardia. 

 

Waiting on test results

As I tried not to freak out, I looked outside to see if I could find my husband to let him know what was going on. I couldn't find him and didn't want to waste time looking. I was feeling worse and saw the clock indicated it was 4:45 p.m. I dialed my cardiologist's number in hopes of getting some advice. I knew they were about to close so I prayed I'd get through. After 3 tries I was able to talk with a nurse. She said go to the ER. So I called 911 and when the ambulance got there, they worked on me a while before taking me to the hospital. 

 

At the hospital, the nurses were kind. Immediately they inserted an IV and took many vials of blood. About 30 minutes later, the ER doc comes in and says he wants to do a CT scan with and without contrast. He didn't explain why. 

 

When the transport team came to get me and take me to the CT room, the person pushing me in the wheelchair said, "We're going to do a CT scan. Have you had one before?" I replied, "Yes, many times." She said, "Good. This one will be to see if you have a blood clot in your heart." Hearing that freaked me out. I had no idea the CT was for something like that. 

 

My blood

In the CT tube, as the contrast flowed through my veins and I began to feel warm all over, I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please let anything that needs to be seen be illuminated clearly. If You're ready to take me home, I'm ready to go." Over and over as the test was running, I prayed. 

 

I was taken back to the room and we had to wait several more hours before the results were in from all the tests. While we waited, I worried, then prayed. Phil did his best to keep me calm, but this was definitely something I couldn't control....a blood clot in my heart??? I couldn't fathom it. 

 

Control. It's the one thing we wish we had but many times don't. Practically every waking moment of our lives we're surrounded by things we can't control- the economy, the weather, circumstances, opinion of others, our health, etc. It's easy to start doubting and worrying. But God didn't wire us to be in control. In fact, our lack of control requires us to rest in Him and lean on Him. It forces us to use our faith muscles.

I knew, as I waited to hear what was causing my health crisis that God was and is always in control. The Bible teaches us through various scriptures how there is nothing beyond His control. And if God was in control, I had no reason to fear. Because He loves me and has numbered my days. 

 

When the ER doc came back in to talk with us, He said my D-Dimer was high, my potassium was low, and I had some funky things in my lungs called ground glass opacities. But even with all those things, there was NO blood clot in my heart! Praise God!!! 

 

So, this typical type A has once again loosened her grip on the rope of control. Now I am praying I can get in to see the various doctors I'm supposed to follow up with on Monday. Would you please pray with me that an opening will be available? Mondays are usually packed full for most physicians. (I used to work for several docs. We always kept 2 work in appointments available each day, one around 10:30 and the other at 2:30. Hopefully this practice is still in place.)

 

Losing control is hard. Trusting COMPLETELY in God regarding health issues or any other problem in your life, is also difficult. Both take determination and will. But with God, it's possible, I promise. 

 

Scriptures to cling to: 

 

Jeremiah 29:11-12. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."

 

Job 42:2. "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

Isaiah 55:9. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

 

Romans 8:28. "And we know that for those who love
God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

 

Philippians 4:12-13. "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

 

Hebrews 13:8. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

 

1 John 5:14. "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us."