Breaking into Beautiful

Kim White

Recently, I watched a movie on the Angel network called Breaking into Beautiful. It's the extraordinary story of Kim White, a young woman faced with a rare, aggressive form of cancer called adrenocoritical carcinoma. It was both a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. As I watched the movie, I was dumbfounded at White's strength, courage, and determination. The movie documents her cancer fight through heartfelt videos and Instagram posts. Throughout her 6 year battle, Kim never gave up hope. She did everything in her power to beat the disease, including agreeing to try clinical trials and risky surgical procedures. The movie was raw and real. That's what made me want to watch it. 

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, the same year as Kim, I did my best to share what I was going through with family and friends. I felt it important to present a true and accurate picture of what living life with cancer was like. I never wanted to hide what I was going through and though my cancer was very different from Kim's, I still faced many very challenging battles. 

I wrote a book about my journey and was surprised when some family and friends criticized me for being too open about my struggles. They felt some of the things I shared should've been kept behind closed doors, but I chose to share those intimate details in hopes of helping someone else. I felt it incumbent upon myself to do that. 

I don't find myself thinking much about cancer these days. It's been 11 years since the day I heard, "You have cancer," so it's not an integral part of my life anymore. I do, however, like to read books about survivors or watch movies that share their stories. It's been interesting to see how each individual chooses to face the challenge of fighting the disease. Some choose to give it all they've got, like Kim White did, and others resign themselves to the fact that they're going to die from the disease, so they don't put up much of a fight. Personally, I don't understand how someone wouldn't want to do everything in their power to fight. In my experience, cancer can't touch an indomitable spirit.  

Faith was a key element in my battle and also in Ms. White's. It seemed to be the secret key that powered our resolve. Knowing God and God alone knew the number of days allotted us, allowed us to come to a form of acceptance. In essence, whatever happened, whether we lived or died, was going to be okay. 

Right now, as I sit in my office, there's a large whiteboard on the wall. On it, I record daily prayer needs. Currently, there are a dozen specific needs, each shared with me via phone, text, or social media. Of those twelve requests, 7 are for people struggling with different types of cancer. The majority of those people fall into the 30-45 year old age group, and that makes me so sad. It seems they're in the prime of life and should be enjoying life with sheer abandon instead of fighting diligently each day to survive. 

Kim White only lived to be 32. She was a daughter, wife, and mother. In between her various treatments, the movie showed Kim's determination to grab every ounce of gusto she could from life. She wasn't about to just roll over and die. 

As the movie covered her cancer journey, the physical devastation to her body became more and more evident but each time she endured treatment, she seemed to rebound. During those times of recovery, she went hiking, rock climbing, snowboarding, and swimming. She was determined to squeeze every good moment out of every day she was given. In one scene of the movie, Kim is shown with a shorn head traveling down a slip and slide with her young daughter. Her frail body clings tightly to the love of her life as she squeals with glee. When I watched that scene, it did something to me. It made me realize, even on the best days of my life, when I'm not struggling with any health issues, I don't live like that. 

Health is something many take for granted and I'll admit, until I was diagnosed with cancer, I did the same. Cancer was a huge wakeup call for me. It made me realize life is short and I never know when my number will be up. 

Since watching the movie, Breaking into Beautiful, I've been reminded I'd better get busy living. Instead of letting each day pass in the typical mundane way, I want to live like Kim with exuberance and joy. I've realized cancer can only steal from you what you let it. If you allow it to steal your joy and hope, you have nothing left. 

I'm so thankful to still be here 11 years post diagnosis. Kim only got 6 years of life after finding out she had cancer. In March, I go back to the cancer treatment center for my annual checkup. As I watch the day draw nearer and nearer on the calendar, I start to get this niggling feeling in the back of my mind - what if I face a recurrence? How would I respond to that news? I'd like to think I could be as determined and strong willed as Kim was in her fight, but I'm not sure I would be. 

My first (and hopefully last) go round with cancer was difficult but not unbearable. Physically, I've pretty much recovered other than the challenge of lymphedema, an unexpected gift cancer left me after having lymph nodes removed. Mentally, I'm in a much better place now than I was 11 years ago, but there are still days I feel less than. Spiritually, I feel like I'm stronger now than I was back then and I can honestly say thank you to cancer for that, but it's been tough. No one can truly understand what it's like to fight cancer until they're in the midst of the battle, but watching real life stories like Kim's can surely provide a heaping dose of reality.  

Kim lived a remarkable life and her story will inspire many for years to come. I'm thankful she wanted to openly share her journey with the world. Who knows how many people, myself included, will change the way they face each day because of her example.