Ready for Spring

These cold, dreary days are so depressing! The bare trees and gray skies exacerbate my feelings of longing. I'm ready for Spring, for the hope of new life it brings and for the anticipation of what the remainder of the year holds. 

I've often wondered why God instilled in bears the instinct to hibernate in the winter. How do they know when to start fattening up on food and preparing their dens? I like to think God has put an internal clock inside them and as time draws near, He pricks them with a sense of urgency. You wouldn't think big, burly bears would need to spend months sleeping, but they do. And when their time of rest is up, they groggily come out of their dens starving. As they go in search of berries or other sustenance, their weakened state becomes strong again. They move forward ready to resume activity, mate, and bear babies. 

Gray days make me want to curl up into a ball and sleep for days, but I don't. Of course, when the days are shorter, I do tend to go to bed earlier, but I don't sleep well and that makes the long nights seem even longer. So I normally try to stay busy doing something - whether it's reading and enjoying a hot cup of tea, painting some piece of art a friend or family member might enjoy, or taking walks with my husband. Sometimes those things get boring and feel antsy, but I know, if I hold out, Spring will be here soon. 

My roses already have new growth on them. Seeing the dark, reddish leaves budding helps me cling to the fact that winter will soon be over. The time change will take place, the days will be longer, and it will feel like there's a reason to be alive again. Hmmm....reading that just made me realize what the problem is - I think I have a touch of S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It's a condition that causes people to become depressed during winter. Often medication or daylight simulating lamps can help. 

As I continue to mark the days off the calendar and countdown to Spring, I have to look for ways to overcome feelings of winter blues. If I was a bear I could hibernate and not worry about it, but I'm not so I'll do the best I can and look forward to what's to come. I can't wait til the bluebirds start to nest, they're so cheery and colorful. And they make me feel happy.

Winter Blues

This is the time of year when many people suffer from S.A.D. (Seasonal Affective Disorder) Basically what it means is that because of the shorter days, colder temps, and lack of exposure to sunlight vitamin D levels drop. This drop can cause feelings of depression/sadness. 

I'll admit, I've felt it this past week. It's been so cold outside we've stayed huddled up indoors. Doing so has limited our contact with others and that adds to feelings or isolation and depression. This is a hard thing to accept, especially when you're a person who enjoys being outside going and doing. 

There are ways to combat S.A.D. like installing special light bulbs in your light fixtures, but those can be expensive. What I've found works for me is taking time to sit near a window or door during the warmest part of the day. As I allow sunlight to filter down on me, I not only feel the warmth, I can bask in the light. Typically, I'll close my eyes and use that time to reflect on the good things God's done in my life, but sometimes, I just sit enjoying the peacefulness. And when weather permits, we'll get in the car and take a drive. Heading into the sun, I can soak up vitamin D as it pours in the front windshield, but that makes sunglasses a must! It can get awfully bright and my eyes are very sensitive. 

Visiting friends or family can also help when one is suffering from S.A.D. Just being around others helps shift focus and that's my plan for today. To shift from the winter blues into the coziness of happy. Love can do that. 

How do you cope with the winter blues? Do you distract yourself by doing something you love? Often I take time to pass the days by focusing on hobbies I enjoy - like painting, making jewelry, reading, or baking. It's important to find ways to pass the dark, gray days of winter. 

Before we know it, Spring will be here. That's when we begin to see new life, not only in plants around us, but also in ourselves if we look hard enough. God gave us seasons and I like to think He did it to keep us from being bored to death! It would stink if every day was a chilly winter one or even a blazing hot summer one. Variety is the spice of life and I definitely need it. How about you?

Broken

 

A brilliant Yellow Swallowtail landed on my leg today as we sat outside on our back patio. It was such a special moment and I was extremely still for fear of interrupting its landing. At first glance, I thought it was a perfect butterfly but as I looked closer, I noticed one of its wings was broken and that made me extremely sad. 

I wondered how the wing had been compromised. Had the butterfly brushed against something rough that had caught and torn the wing or had a pair of eager little hands tried to catch it and in desperation of keeping its freedom, the butterfly had sacrificed part of its wing as it got away. 

The butterfly stay for several minutes before lifting off and gently soaring on the breeze. As it left, I felt my wounded heart cry out, "You're still broken, too."Though I didn't want to admit it, I knew it was true. 

I'd been broken for almost 9 years, since the diagnosis of my breast cancer. Though I'd had months of deep despair, I'd also experienced moments of sheer joy at still being alive and being able to do the things I wanted to do, but I wasn't ever going to be the same again. That realization wounded me deeply.

Today, without realizing he'd done it, my husband said something very hurtful to me. He'd meant it in teasing but the words pierced my heart and made me feel less than. Those words reminded me of my brokenness and I began to sob. When he realized he'd hurt me, he instantly came to my side asking for forgiveness but the words had already accomplished their goal. It was my choice whether or not I would hold on to them or release them. 

I wanted to instantly release them but something deep inside cried out. I thought, by now, I was completely over the trauma of breast cancer, but apparently I wasn't. I wondered if I'd ever feel normal again or at least feel worthy of love again. 

That butterfly, though it had a broken wing, chose to continue to fly. If it hadn't continued on, it would have died without sustenance. The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had to choose to continue on, too. 

I've been trying to learn to thrive for several years now, but it's been hard. The dictionary defines the word thrive in this way: "to prosper, to flourish." I wasn't doing that. I was merely existing. I went from one mundane day to the next trying to fill my time with things to occupy my mind like art projects or writing. When I wasn't doing one of those things, I was cleaning. My house was always immaculate. Though those things kept me busy, they didn't fill my heart with joy. I needed joy. 

I realized, along with feeling broken, I was lonely. I had no friends here and all of my family lived at least an hour away. Rarely did I see anyone other than medical staff or my husband. I needed more. 

Social media helped a little. As I perused my account, I enjoyed learning what my "long distance" friends were up to. It felt like I had a connection although it wasn't really true. 

I'm not the type of person to get down in the dumps often but for the past couple of years I think I've struggled with depression. Oh, it's been mild but it's been there and I haven't liked it one bit. 

If I'd been smart, I would have taken my oncologist up on meeting with a cognitive behavioral specialist, but I was too embarrassed to admit my need. I was also afraid of admitting I was struggling with feelings of unworthiness. 

My faith in God has been my saving grace. Whenever I've felt smothered in my feelings, He's always  been there to remind me who I am and whose I am. Without him, I'm sure I would have already given up. Thankfully, His Word speaks to my heart daily. 

I've had to remind myself over and over again that feelings aren't fact. Though I feel broken and less than, I'm still His precious child. And He chose the trial of breast cancer for me. Knowing that gives me peace, not because I was made to suffer through the trauma of having my body maimed, but knowing no matter what, He'd promised never to leave or forsake me. 

The butterfly with the broken wing was a special gift. I think God allowed it to land on my leg for a reason- to remind me life is still possible even with a broken body. 

I still have a lot of internal healing to do and I'm working on myself daily. I've learned to use positive self talk to help remind me I matter, but more than that, as I've struggled, I've looked for Scriptures that get me back on track. 

I doubt if all women who go through breast cancer struggle with body image like I have but many do. It's hard to explain how damaging losing body parts can be to a person's self worth, especially when those body parts are the essence of their femininity. 

One day, I'm hoping to see myself healed and whole. Until then, I'll keep on working through things one day at a time. And one day, perhaps I'll fly.

Choosing Joy even when it's difficult

Being cooped up in the house during the pandemic has been challenging. Until a few days ago, I'd done reasonably well but realized I wasn't myself. Usually, I'm upbeat and happy but I'd found myself struggling with feelings of hopelessness and depression. That's when I realized, I'd lost my joy. 

These days, it's hard to find joy. Being separated from friends and loved ones is awkward and painful, but for someone with cancer related low immunity, it's not only a necessity, it could be detrimental to my health.

We've had a lot of gloomy, rainy days lately, too, due to a hurricane brewing in the Atlantic. Those gray days have also added to feelings of sadness.

I realized I'd experienced these feelings before, when I was first diagnosed with breast cancer. Back then, my physical maladies caused me to revel in self- pity. I was so me focused, I couldn't see anything else.

It took a while to realize what was happening. Becoming so comfortable with those feelings, I wore them like a heavy, woolen cloak. Days and days, I'd let the weight of that thick garment smother me but then, something happened.

One morning, as I sat at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and looking out the window at a beautiful sunny day, I realized I'd lost my joy. The longer I sat there, the more I thought. "Where had my joy gone," I wondered, "And when had I lost it?"

Although I couldn't pinpoint a time and date, I knew it had to have been around the time of my diagnosis because that's when it felt like my world had fallen apart. And though it had been six years since surgery, I was still struggling with my emotions.

That's when I realized I had to do something about it. I had to get my joy back. There was no way I was willing to live under a cloak of darkness.

But I didn't know where to start or what to do. So I began to pray. I asked God to help me find my joy again and in my spirit, I felt Him speak to me, "Praise Me."

I thought I did a pretty good job of that already. I always got up early and spent the first part of my morning with Him. I made sure to spend time in the Word meditating. I always took time to pray but the more I thought about it, the more I realized, I was usually asking God to answer my needs and requests for those I loved rather than focusing on His character, His goodness, His mercy, and His grace.

So I decided that had to change. I was going to find my joy by focusing all my attention on Jesus. To do that, I was going to have to make myself intentionally focus on His love and I was going to have to shift my perspective. I was going adopt an attitude of gratitude.

Looking outside the kitchen window, I saw some beautiful red and white flowers on a plant my son had recently given me. "Thank you, Lord, for your beauty in nature. Thank you that my son wanted to give me a gift. Thank you he chose to come visit me." A few minutes later, two little house wrens jumped on top of my charcoal grill and began to tweet the most cheerful song to each other. "Oh, if I could have joy like that," I said, "Lord, I would be so happy!" Again, He spoke to my heart, "Praise Me."

Picking up my iPhone, I quickly found the My Music icon and asked Siri to find a praise and worship station. I wasn't in the mood for lyrics, so I chose an instrumental station. As I listened, an old familiar favorite began to play, "Bless the Lord, O, my soul" by Matt Redman.

As I listened to the words, my heart began to calm and I felt myself began to weep. All those feelings of pent up sadness began to flee. The light of worship was dispelling the darkness. My heart, in tune with His, was exactly where it should be - He focused instead of me focused.

Sometimes, we find ourselves in seasons where we must hunt for joy. During those times, it's important to be intentional about looking for reasons to express gratitude. Often, it's hard work. When a person is feeling down and depressed, the last thing one wants to do is express thanks. But it's in the thanking that joy explodes. Just like striking a match to a bundle of dry kindling, one small ember gives way to a blazing fire. We must be willing to pick up the match and strike it. To do that, one has to deliberately choose.

I'm so thankful God helped me realize how to regain my joy. My match was tapping on a cellphone app and allowing the words of a song to rekindle the fire of joy inside. As I sang along to the instrumental music, the words ministered to my heart as I praised God.

I made a mental note to choose joy. I knew this would become a discipline in my life but it would take practice. One of the ways I could implement this new exercise into my life would be to start each day by writing down three things for which I was thankful. I chose to end the day the same way.

As I've intentionally searched for reasons to be grateful, I've been able to see more clearly that God continually blesses me each day.

If there are two words I want you to take away from this post, they'd be - CHOOSE JOY. Though they seem simple, they take effort. But if you're willing to work at it, soon you'll find the practice of daily gratitude something you enjoy immensely. Before you know it, it won't seem like work any more, you'll see things and realize His great blessings without much effort at all.

We serve a good, good Father. He enjoys blessing us. That's why I think the psalmist wrote, "But you are holy, O you that inhabit the praises of Israel." Psalm 22:3

When we worship, the presence of the Lord dwells among us. That feeling of complete peace and love is enough to make any heart sing with joy. Try it! If you've lost your joy, you can find it again. I promise.

Today and every day, choose joy.

Change, she's a comin'

Inauguration day is tomorrow and the whole world will be watching as Donald J. Trump takes the oath of office. It's definitely going to be an historic day. I'm not big into politics so I haven't been monitoring the news on a daily basis, but I've been surprised at the number of elected officials who've decided to boycott the ceremony. And that's all I'm going to say about that. There is an electricity in the air and you can definitely feel a change coming.

I learned a hard lesson today. You'd think I would know better than to post my personal opinion about anything on Facebook, but suffice it say live and learn. I made a comment about the election and referred to a scripture found in the Bible admonishing us to honor our king....boy, did I get a lot of responses to that post. Some of them were positive and some were negative. But you know what they say about opinions...everyone has one. It always amazes me how family members react and reminds me I need to choose my audience a little more carefully in the future for fear of upsetting some of the "more delicate" folks.

Facebook used to be one of my main avenues for connecting socially with others. Since moving to the boondocks, I don't see or hear from family much. If I wanted to know what was going on in their lives, I'd jump on the computer and check out their feeds...that is, until I started being added to their restricted lists. I certainly wasn't snooping, I just wanted to know how they were doing and what milestones they were celebrating in their lives, but sometimes there's too much drama to suit me so I decided to limit my exposure. I don't need added stress in my life.

Now that I've gotten that off my chest, I turn to my health issues. I've been doing fairly well other than suffering from insomnia, depression, fatigue and pain. Those are the big ones that can take you down in a hurry if you let them. Since things had gotten worse instead of better for the past few months, I called the oncologist. I knew I needed help. He suggested I take Ambien for the next month to get my sleep cycle back on track. He's offered it to me in the past and I'd tried it a night or two but didn't want to get dependent on anything. It's been a long time since I've had a good night of sleep so I'm willing to try it. He also suggested I try something for the constant pain. I'm hesitant but I trust him. Something has to give. I just want to feel better.

This afternoon, as I was looking outside, I noticed the Bermuda grass greening up. Our weather has been so unpredictable lately, I guess the grass thinks Spring is just around the corner. We haven't really had a hard winter but that doesn't mean anything until the end of April. Our area is notorious for ice storms in March and April. I'm looking forward to Spring. Warm weather, lots of sunshine, and beautiful flowers are just what I need to cancel out the S.A.D. (seasonal affective disorder) that comes with these gray days. I love change and I'm ready for it. Any minute I expect to see daffodils pushing up through the dirt. Change is coming not only in nature but in our lives as Americans, you can bank on it.


Click here to listen to "A Change is Coming" by Leroy Bell

The New Year is Here!

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, at least that's what Saint Bernard of Clairvaux penned in 1150 A.D. Actually, his sentiment was expressed as "L'enfer est plein de bonnes volontés ou désirs" (translated: hell is full of good wishes or desires) and both translations describe me today. It's already the third day of the New Year and it's started off in a blur. I had so many good intentions of starting the year off productively but my plans didn't come to fruition partly because I was preoccupied and partly because my husband had taken an extended vacation from work. Today I hope to get back on track and begin focusing on my goals.

Every year, on the first day of the new year, I ask God to give me a word to focus on for the entire year. In 2015, He gave me the word JOY and it was very appropriate since I'd spent the following year focusing on health issues. In 2014, the word I was given was the word TRUST. Little did I know that was the year I would find out I had breast cancer. God certainly handpicks the words He gives me and I know they are for my growth and benefit. This year's word is HOPE. I like that word. In Scripture, according to the Hebrew and Greek words translated by the word “hope” and according to the biblical usage, hope is an indication of certainty. “Hope” in Scripture means “a strong and confident expectation.” Though archaic today in modern terms, hope is akin to trust and a confident expectation. How perfect!

One of my goals this year is to learn to thrive. For the past couple of years, I've been living under the shadow of breast cancer. It's been a heavy, dark, overpowering shadow filled with trepidation and fear. As I was praying, the night of December 31, God revealed to me that I haven't really been living. I've just been existing. Since being diagnosed with cancer, I accepted and received my fate but also allowed my zest for life to pass away. In essence, I allowed myself to die. All of my joy, all of my hope, all of me slowly and gradually began to disappear.

Those who know me well know I'm not one to be depressed or down in the dumps, in fact, I'm the one who always manages to find the silver lining in bad situations but for the past several months, I have been suffering with severe depression. I've felt very alone. I've felt rejected. I've felt unloved and unlovable. I've spent more days crying than I care to admit. I've stayed holed up in my house not wanting to go anywhere or see anyone. I knew this wasn't healthy but it's where I was and I couldn't find a way out. The dreary, rainy winter days didn't help things either. I've always had a hard time understanding how a Christian could allow himself to get depressed after all, we have great reason to hope with God on our side to combat any situation but even David, one of the greatest men of the Bible, found himself depressed on many occasions. In Psalm 42, verse 5, Paul says:

"Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation."

Being overcome with a spirit of depression has been devastating but I'm thankful God revealed what was happening to me. This revelation has allowed me to come up with a game plan and maybe that's why God has given me the word HOPE for this year's focus. I'm looking forward to all He plans to teach me and I'm really looking forward to reclaiming my life.

The days are short and I can't just exist. I have to learn to live and live well. I want to thrive and by golly, I'm going to figure out how to do it.

Okay to not to be okay

This morning, as I was busy doing some heavy duty cleaning in my bedroom, I found a tangled cluster of watches. I'd tucked this tangle of Fossil, Timex, Armitron, and Lorus,watches away after my life was forever changed by breast cancer. Although time was pretty much the only thing on my mind, I didn't want to spend a single moment focused on how much time I had left or how much time I'd already lost. I stopped wearing watches. After giving up on these time keepers, I found a new freedom. The 1440 minutes of each day seemed longer and more precious. I didn't want a single one to slip away.

The frozen faces of these watches stare up at me, their hands fixed. I gather the mess of metal and leather and hold it tightly feeling the weight of them pressed against my skin. It is then I realize not only has time stopped, but I've stopped. I've stopped living my life. I've stopped being me.

I look in the mirror and wonder who's looking back at me. I don't know this person. This woman, the one with the flat chest, the one who doesn't even look like a woman, standing in front of me. She looks sad and depressed. She looks lonely. She has low self esteem. Where did she come from? Where did the old me go? I used to be so vibrant and full of life. I used to be self confident and outgoing. I loved being around others and now, I prefer to spend my time alone. I know this is unhealthy. But how do I fix it?

There are days when living post cancer is difficult. There are so many unspoken expectations placed upon survivors by family and friends. Somehow we're expected to just figure it out and make things work and most of the time we do a pretty good job at hiding behind a mask of "okay-ness." But sometimes, isn't it okay not to be okay?

Some days are more difficult that others. Most of the time, I have good days. Although I'm in constant pain, I push through. I'm determined to make the best of a bad situation. Truthfully, I'm very blessed so I try to live that way. But there are days when I'm just not feeling good and those are the hard days. I try not to complain because I'm sure my husband and my children are tired of hearing it. Although they sympathize with me on the days I mention I'm hurting, I know they wish things were the way they used to be and so do I.

The weight of the watches has grown heavy in my palm. Why do I keep holding on to these non-working time keepers? I should just throw them away. They serve no purpose other than to remind me of the day time stopped for me. Maybe one day, I'll be strong enough to throw them away but for now, I'll just slip them back into the drawer. I've used too much time thinking about the past today.

It's a good thing I don't wear a watch any longer. I don't want to know how much time I just wasted but I'm sure it's more than I should have. You'd think I would have pretty much put all this cancer mess behind me by now, wouldn't you? But some days, it just overwhelms me.

How did it get so late so soon? Its night before its afternoon. December is here before its June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon? Dr. Seuss