It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do for a body

Insomnia sucks! For the past few years I've been struggling with it but over the last several months, it's become unbearable. Trying to function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep has been challenging. Not only have I been physically exhausted, I've lost mental clarity. 

I have tried everything in the book. No amount of herbal remedies or bottles of melatonin have worked. Even adding in Sleepy Time tea hasn't helped. Finally, at my wit's end, I made a call to my doctor. I was desperate. Thankfully, he listened and was willing to help. 

When the pharmacy called and said my prescription was ready, I was hesitant. I didn't want to have to take a medication to fall asleep, but when you can't make your brain stop, what do you do? 

Last night, I slept for 8 and 1/2 hours! That's the first time I've done that since I was a teenager! I woke up feeling rested and ready to face the day. I was so thankful. 

It's amazing how sleep affects one's ability to function. I think that's one reason a wartime strategy against prisoners of war is to deprive them of sleep. When they can break one's physical stamina, they can break the mind, too. 

I've read that the older one gets the less sleep a person needs, and while that may be the case, 3 or 4 hours is definitely not enough. 

I'm glad there's something to help, even though those types of medication can cause one to become dependent or even addicted. If you're suffering from insomnia or have suffered with it in the past, you know the importance of using medication like this responsibly and only for the period necessary to get your body back on track. If you've never had an issue with sleep, God bless you! You're one of the lucky few. It's so important to take care of yourself and that includes making sure you get a good night's sleep.

Oh energy, where are you?

I used to have a lot of energy back in my BBC days (before breast cancer) but now, not so much. I'm finding my energy wanes around 4 p.m. each day and some days, before that. It's been a challenge to learn to adjust my schedule so I can accomplish the things I need or want to do before the energy runs out. Sometimes, I wish I had a gauge on my forehead. That way, I could look in the mirror and see how much fuel I had left. But if I did, I'd probably spend a good deal of my time running back and forth to check the meter and that would take precious time away from my doing.

Speaking of doing, I've come to the realization that I might be doing too much. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I've felt an urgency to do all the things I ever wanted to do. I have accomplished many of those things but there are still many items on my list to check off.

I was looking over my bucket list the other day and this year, I'll have checked off some of my major events. That's exciting but as I reviewed the minor events, I felt God whispering to my spirit, "You need to slow down, it's okay to rest."

Why do I struggle so with resting? Most people probably never have that problem, but I do. For some reason, I've always felt it a sin not to be busy but is being too busy a sin? I'm beginning to think it is.

I'm so thankful for my sweet husband. He enjoys the art of resting and has mastered it quite well! He helps me see sometimes that I'm doing too much and he'll gently point it out to me, telling me to stop for a while and just take it easy.

For a long time, I let what he said go in one ear and out the other thinking I'd complete my project and rest when I was done but as my body has grown physically more tired, I've started to listen more carefully to what he's been saying and I've started heeding his warnings.

I don't feel quite as bad about resting when I'm tired now. Jesus rested. In fact, Jesus even slept when he was tired. Remember when the disciples were in the boat on the stormy sea and Jesus was asleep in the back of the boat? I figure if he felt it was okay to rest when he was tired, then I need to be able to follow his example. If I don't do it, then I'm pushing my body beyond its physical capacity and that's not a good thing because I'll suffer for it later.

Most days, my back dictates what I can or can't do. I have degenerative disk disease, several bulging disks and a hemangioma on L5. I also have osteoporosis (thanks, Mom) and a few other residual issues from breast cancer surgery that contribute to my daily struggles with pain. In spite of all the physical issues, I try to keep moving, keep doing, and just keep being alive. I'm so grateful to still be here but the older I get, the more I long for home. I can't wait to get to heaven! At least there I'll be pain-free and I'm sure Jesus will make sure I rest when I need to.

Although it's only a few minutes before 2, I have accomplished a lot today already. My back is really bothering me so I'm probably going to lie on the floor a little (it seems to help to be on a very hard surface).

Truth be told, the back pain has started to increase lately and I'm a little worried. Cancer seems to choose to metastasize in the brain, lungs, spine, or blood. I'm hoping that's not the case for me. I don't ever want to go another round with cancer because I'm not so sure I'd win, but I won't go there right now. I'm just thankful to be alive.

Post cancer fatigue and Getting Back My "Want To...."

Today's been a difficult day. It seems I'm having more of those types of days than I should. I've been suffering from extreme fatigue. I don't know if I should be concerned about this or if it's just post cancer fatigue but it surely is frustrating.

My days start pretty early. I'm usually up between 5:00 a.m. and 6:00 a.m. I don't get up that early because I have to, but because I want to seize the day. I've always been a morning person. The mornings have always seemed to be the best part of the day. There's nothing like rising early to catch a glimpse of the sunrise as the beautiful pinks and purples fill the sky. I love hearing the birds sing as they greet the day. Their joyful tunes fill the air with heartfelt hope. Rising early is a pleasure.

While the house is quiet and still, I can focus on tasks ahead of me and since cancer, I've learned to slow down just a bit and enjoy the time even more. A wise friend told me life is lived in minutes not years and boy, was he right. One of the most important gifts cancer gave me was helping me understand this concept. This year, I've truly learned to live in the moment savoring each precious one and holding it dear.

After breakfast, I began to conquer menial tasks around the house. I was full of energy and full of joy. As I went about my duties, I was thankful for the ability to perform the daily chores. Last year, it hadn't been easy to carry the laundry basket full of clothes or lug the vacuum cleaner around the house. My body was still healing and I was forced to take it slowly. Since my incisions had healed, I had begun to pick up where I left off. Instead of asking for help when a task was difficult, I managed to do it myself. I was stubborn. I cherished my independence. My husband never minded giving a helping hand when I'd ask, but I was finding I didn't need to ask quite as often as I had in the past. That felt good.

Before I realized it, the clock struck noon. Where had the morning gone? It seemed like I'd just gotten started! After stopping to enjoy a salad, I looked at my list of things to do. I had a few errands to run in town so I gathered my things and headed out. While shopping, I noticed my energy level had begun to wane. I pushed through my tiredness and kept going. Just a few more errands to run and I'd be done. Two hours later, I was on my way home. Sitting behind the wheel of the car, I yawned. It was almost 3:00 p.m.

For the past few weeks, I had noticed a trend in my circadian rhythm. My most energetic time of the day was early morning between the hours of 5:00 a.m. and 8:00 a.m. Mid morning I slowed a little but still had enough steam to do the things I wanted to do. By lunch, I could feel a marked difference and after 3:00 p.m., I noticed a huge change. Was this early afternoon fatigue due to age or was it an after effect of cancer's effects on my body? I wasn't exactly sure. Maybe it was both.

I've never been one to take naps during the day. No matter how tired I was, I always kept going. Lately however, I'd found myself becoming increasingly exhausted and felt the need to close my eyes. Leaning back in my recliner and enjoying a power nap had proved to be very useful and gave me the strength to make it to bedtime. Learning to listen to my body has been hard for me. I don't like admitting I'm tired. My husband has no problem taking a nap whenever he feels the need to take one, but not me! I've always been like the Energizer Bunny and kept on going and going and going.

Since my energy level has become so low, I've begun to let my mind wander to the land of "what if." Is my Vitamin D level low again? It has been several times in the past and I've needed to be put on an extremely high dosage of the supplement to correct the deficiency. The oncologist told me it was fairly common for cancer patients to suffer from low Vitamin D because of their lack of exposure to the sun during and after treatment. I hadn't wanted to be outside much lately because I'd been so tired. I could see a vicious circle developing. I didn't want to go out and do things because I was too tired to do them but I needed to be out in the sun because it helped my body have more energy. I also wondered if possibly something more was going on inside my body. I'd opted to forego traditional medical treatments for cancer and was following a more holistic approach. I wondered if perhaps it was no longer working.

It was concerning to be experiencing such fatigue. I don't see my oncologist for a checkup until next month. When he does blood work, will a problem be indicated? Am I being overly concerned for no reason? Should I continue to make myself do the things I need to do even when I'm exhausted? The answer to all of these questions is "I don't know." What I do know is that post cancer fatigue is a very real thing and it affects many women for various periods of time after diagnosis and treatment. Will it ever go away completely? I have no idea. I'm inclined to think I'm probably going to be stuck with some level of fatigue for the rest of my life.

I'd like to be able to do the things I did before cancer with the same amount of enthusiasm and gusto but things are different now. I guess learning to accept my current energy level goes hand in hand with learning to accept my "new normal." There are so many things cancer has changed about my life but the most significant for me, being a constant mover and shaker, has been the limitations it's placed on my physical energy level. For now, I'll continue to push through when I'm tired and make myself do the things I need to do but on days like today, it's awfully hard.

Sometimes it's good to just rest. It's important to listen as my body tells me what it can and cannot do. I'm hearing it a little more clearly now than I have in the past few months. I've taken a few naps on occasion and haven't felt guilty. I guess that's a good thing. I'm still learning how to "get through" this journey. A lot of people don't understand even after treatment ends, the side effects of cancer don't. I'm trying my best to get my "want to" back but my "get up and go" feels like it got up and went.

Since I know the earliest part of the day is best for me, I try to schedule important projects or appointments during that time. I'm learning to readjust my schedule and be okay with limitations. I'm not the same as I used to be before cancer and I never will be again. Cancer has drastically changed me.