Sunshine my shoulder

It's s funny how something as simple as a sunny day can make you feel so nostalgic. My husband and I had just finished our walk in the local cemetery and the sun was shining so brightly. I could feel the warmth on my face and it made me happy. We'd done three laps and felt good about it so we sat down on a bench to rest. As we sat there, I closed my eyes and basked in the sun. A few minutes later, John Denver's song, "Sunshine on My Shoulder" was playing in my head. I hummed along and thought back to a special memory in 1978 (or it could have been '79, my memory is not as good as it used to be..)

I remembered being on a family vacation. We'd gone to a beautiful place in North Georgia called Lake Marvin. My family and I were staying for the week at a cabin owned by the Girl Scouts of America. My mother was a Girl Scout leader and had access to the cabin which was a blessing for us. Family vacations were expensive and we didn't have much money. 

There were many special memories on that trip, but one of my favorites was getting into a canoe and going across the lake with my younger brother. We paddled up to a beaver dam, laughing and talking along the way. We both loved nature so much and just being under the low-hanging trees with a slight breeze in the air was amazing. We stayed at the beaver dam for about 30 minutes looking for beavers and then headed back toward the cabin. As we were rowing, the sun was glinting off the water. I don't think I'd ever felt such peace. 

Paddling slowly and in tandem, we reached the shore, pulled up the canoe, and went back into the cabin. I think later that afternoon he and my dad went fishing along the shore of the lake while my mother, sister and I stayed inside fixing the meal. 

It always amazes me how past memories pop up when I least expect them. But when they do, I'm glad because it feels like I'm reliving the memory all over again. 

My brother left this Earth in 2021. I've missed him so much but I imagine, if there's a lake anywhere in heaven, he's out on a boat fishing. And if he is, I'm sure the sunshine it's just over his shoulder and he's feeling fine.

How Did 3 Years Go By So Fast?

In a few days, I'll be in a contemplative mood again as I remember my dear brother, Jimmy. It's hard to believe this year marks 3 since his passing. Where did the time go? I've always heard it said that the older you get, the faster time flies and I'm beginning to believe it. 

Since his death, I've tried hard not to forget him. The best way I can do that is to remember small things about him. That's another thing about getting old, you can remember things in the past much better than what you had for breakfast yesterday, so I'm thankful my memory bank is full. Today's memory focuses on something that brought my brother much joy -- fishing.

Daddy taught my  siblings and I how to fish when we were old enough to hold a pole. We'd visit Twin Brothers Lake or another one not far from the house. He took great joy in showing us how to slide the red and white bobber onto the line attached to the long cane pole and then, horror of horrors, he'd dump over a coffee can filled with sawdust and we'd watch as red wiggler worms crawled out. Looking for a "fat, juicy one," as Daddy would say, he'd show us exactly how to pierce the worm and carefully thread it onto the hook so it wouldn't fall off. He explained that way we'd have a better chance at catching a fish, and he was right! 9 times out of 10, we'd catch something. After we did, Daddy showed us how to take it off the hook and place it into a bucket of water until we got home where he'd spread newspapers on an outdoor table and show us how to first scale the fish then gut it. 

I hated that fishy smell but didn't mind taking a spoon and raking it across the fish's body watching as hard, shiny scales flew threw the air. It was gross when they'd stick to my forearms and I'd quickly brush them away. After the scales were removed, Daddy would cut off the fish's head, slice down its belly, and pull out the innards. I didn't mind any of that, in fact, I thought it fascinating, but I never grew to like the taste of fish. Perhaps it's because I almost choked to death on a fish bone once. That experience scared me to death and from that day forward, I never ate another piece of fish, not even Tuna from a can.

 

Jimmy and I shared a great love of nature. We found peace and solace hiking in the woods, wandering by a stream, or sitting by a lake. But more than anything, Jimmy loved fishing. He'd take every opportunity to be at the water's edge patiently casting and reeling in (after he progressed to a real rod.)

 

I remember years ago, Jimmy longed for a boat and mentioned this to Daddy one day. Not long after that, Daddy came home with a fixer upper he'd bought from a friend. That boat never got completely fixed up and was never put into the water, but it was a good project for a while. Eventually, Daddy ended up selling it to someone else who had more time, money, and energy to put into it, but Jimmy kept dreaming.

Many years later, after our Mother died and he received a small inheritance, he saw his dream come to fruition. He purchased a lovely pontoon boat and rented a slip at Lake Oconee. He was in heaven and went out every chance he could. 

 

He loved to catch Bluegill, Crappie, Gar, Bass, Catfish, or Warmouth. Whatever was biting, he'd manage to pull it in. 

 

Once, Daddy took him on a deep sea fishing trip. On the open ocean, fishing was a lot different. I don't remember if Jimmy caught anything or not, but I know my Daddy got a big Trigger fish. The only way I remember that is because that fish had a mouthful of teeth and Daddy thought that was the oddest thing. He saved the jawbone after cleaning the fish, I guess to prove the teeth were really there.

 

My last fishing trip with Jimmy was in the late 70's. We were on a family vacation Calhoun, GA. At Lake Marvin, we spent a lot of time fishing side by side. We didn't say a word as we sat on the bank in folding chairs. We just enjoyed  the peacefulness and beauty of nature. 

 

I like to imagine him up in heaven throwing out a line now and then, sitting on the shores of a beautiful lake daydreaming and in the distance, just as I'm about to close my eyes, I see the red and white bobber start to dip under and a great big smile cross his face.

 

It's so hard to miss a loved one and sometimes, keeping their memory alive is even more difficult. It seems as time passes away, the memories fade and slowly begin to slip away. I don't ever want to forget my brother. He wasn't perfect, by any means, but we had a special connection. It's rare to find those who just "get you." 

Sweet dreams

For the past several years, I've struggled with chronic insomnia. It's gotten so bad, I dread the nighttime because I know, when it's time for bed, I'm not going to sleep. But on rare occasions, especially when I take medication to help with sleeplessness, I dream. 

Last night, I dreamed about my brother. It was a very odd and unexpected thing, especially since he's been dead for 491 days at the time of this posting. 

My brother and I were very close and when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, I was devastated. His cancer diagnosis came after my breast cancer diagnosis, so I knew a lot of the things he'd face as he began treatment, but I didn't expect him to die so suddenly. It was a heart wrenching experience, and I didn't feel we had the chance for a proper goodbye. Maybe that's why God allowed me to have the dream about him last night. 

Dreams are fickle, as most people know. You can't trust them, but this one was so unique, so comforting, and peaceful, it was vastly different from other dreams I've had in the past. 

I don't know exactly where we were in the dream, but I was in some type of large building wandering through crowds of people. As I worked to find my way, I caught a glimpse of someone who looked like my brother. As our eyes met, I jumped up to see above the people and threw my hand in the air to wave. Within seconds, we were close. The sea of people had parted. As we stood there, face to face, we smiled. There were no words, just a knowing. I knew he was my brother. It's kind of like I felt his spirit, but I don't want to sound weird and new age-y. It's difficult to explain. 

We began walking together down a hallway. As we walked, we talked without saying anything. It was like we were expressing our sadness over missing each other but at the same time, we were glad to be reunited. 

We continued on for some time enjoying each other's company and then, I felt our time was coming to an end. 

In my dream, we never said goodbye to each other. He was just there and then he was gone. 

When he vanished, I wasn't sad or upset. I was thankful we'd been given one last opportunity to "visit." I took comfort knowing he was at peace, and we'd meet again one day. I think he felt good at having been able to "checkup" on me. 

Now I don't believe in contacting the dead or anything like that, in fact, the Bible warns against it, but I do think, at times, God allows brief encounters for those who're struggling with the death of a loved one and often times, those experiences come in brief dreams. 

I've only dreamed once or twice in a similar way about a loved one who's already passed on. Each time, it's been a comforting thing, not an unpleasant or scary experience. 

We don't understand the ways of God and while I'm not positive this was His gift to me;

(Jimmy in the camo hat)

I'd like to think it was especially since it gave me a type of closure I've needed for months. 

Loving someone is complicated and is definitely an investment. It's a conglomeration of feelings, tangled together with experiences that often span years and years of time. But it's so worth it, don't you think? 

Many people lose loved ones before having a chance to apologize or make amends for hurtful words or actions. It's so much easier to release someone you love when you know you've done everything in your power to show your love to them. 

I'm thankful Jimmy and I were able to spend many good days together before he left this earth. Those sweet memories are priceless. 

I'm also thankful I've been able to keep all the text messages we shared as he was going through cancer. Being able to re-read those has helped me on days when I've missed him terribly. 

There are also photographs and videos to help ease the pain. I look through them when I need to "see" him again. 

We're only here on this earth for a brief moment and then we vanish like a vapor, the Bible says. 

Whether my dream was a gift from God, as a last goodbye, or whether it was my mind imagining a random scenario, I'll never know until I get to heaven, but I like to think it's the former. 

God is a good God. He knows our needs and He wants to bless us. I'm so glad He loves us so. And if He can use a dream to speak to His prophets of old, I think He just might choose to allow someone like me to dream a little dream of her beloved brother.