Crazy Weather

We had a tornado touch down in our county today. It got pitch black here and rained hard. The sky began to look an eery shade of green and I expected a tornado to drop down right in our back yard! Thankfully it wasn't close to our house this time. We prayed before the storm started asking God for protection. We've really had some weird weather this year and next week is supposed to be a repeat of today. All this is going on while up North they're getting ice and snow!

Flowers are blooming everywhere and look so pretty other than being covered in pollen. This time of year the blossoms pop out just in time for Easter. I love seeing all the beautiful color but the pollen irritates my eyes and sinuses.

Today I went for my pre-op bloodwork. Knee replacement will be April 18, so please be praying then. I'm very nervous about it and the rehab after. I definitely don't want to go through any more pain. I've had my share in this life. I guess the older you get the faster your body wears out. One more reminder that this is only our temporary home.

Facing Discouragement Head On

This past year was full of health challenges and after a couple of surgeries, I thought I was headed for a new year of better health, but things haven't gone the way I expected.

Over the past month, I've struggled with even more issues, visited several doctors, and still have no answers. Friday I went to the doctor again and found out I need another endoscopy. (I've already had 4 done in the past.) When I heard the news I became very discouraged wondering if I was ever going to feel good again. 

That afternoon, I spent most of the day crying and praying asking God for help. I felt so helpless and alone. I didn't want to burden my friends or family with my problems. I've always tried to be the positive one, the one with rose colored glasses. And to make matters worse I haven't been sleeping. Why am I sharing all this very personal information? Because I need prayer. I'm human. I'm weak. 

We didn't go to church today because of my health issues. Instead, we watched an old sermon by Pastor Adrian Rogers. The sermon was on discouragement and boy, what a timely message! 

Adrian gave Biblical reasons why we face discouragement which included fatigue, frustration, fear, and failure. As I listened, it was like he was speaking directly to me. I'd faced all those recently and they'd really weighed me down. 

Thankfully, he also reminded me, as I listened, how to pinpoint causes of these feelings and how to combat them. The keys, he said, were to renew your strength by remembering God's constant closeness, to remember how He's protected and provided for you in the past, and to keep your eyes fixed on the Lord. 

Before the sermon ended, he shared a poem (author unknown) that gave me a little kick in the rear- 

"I want to let go, but I won’t let go. There are battles to fight, By day and night, For God and the right— And I’ll never let go.

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. I’m sick, tis true, Worried and blue, And worn through and through, But I won’t let go.

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. I will never yield! What! Lie down on the field and surrender my shield? No, I’ll never let go!

I want to let go, but I won’t let go. May this be my song: “Mid legions of wrong— Oh, God, keep me strong That I may never let go!”

I know there are many fighting their own battles today, and like me, discouragement may have wrapped its fist tightly around you. If you're struggling, please don't give up. Heed the words from Adrian's sermon and the poem I've shared. More importantly remember these Scripture verses: 

"I can do ALL things through Christ to strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

"For God has NOT given us a spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 

"But thanks be to God, who in Christ ALWAYS leads us in triumph (as trophies of Christ's victory ) and through us spreads and makes evident the fragrance of the knowledge of God everywhere." 2 Corinthians 2:14 

Please pray for me in the days ahead:

1. That the test will be scheduled this week and the problem will be discovered. 

2. Pray for my gastroenterologist, Dr. Woods,  to have wisdom to know best how to help me. 

4. Pray the tests don't reveal a cancer recurrence. 

5. Pray for me to have the ability to combat discouragement with faith. 

Thank you so much.

First Day of the New Year

 

2025! Oh my gosh! I never dreamed I'd live to see this day. I grew up in the age of black and white TV with aluminum foil on the rabbit ear antenna so we could get good reception and look at us now - everything is digital! Boy things have changed. I could take an entire day to jot down things that have changed since I was born, but I won't. Let's just say there have been some really amazing and really scary changes over the years.

When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel any different than I do most mornings but I did pull out a new calendar and fill in important dates. It's a thing I do each year, I'm a long range planner. And yes, I do it the old way - I like to feel and see a paper calendar in my hands. Oh sure, I also stick those same dates into my cell phone for quick reference, but I prefer having a written record in front of my face, partially because my eyes aren't so good anymore and partially because I hate being tied to my phone all the time. 

Have you noticed, over the past few years, our phones seem to control us instead of us controlling them? I sure have. 

When I was growing up, we had a rotary phone in the kitchen on the wall by the back door. The cord was long and stretched out because when we'd get a call, the receiver would walk around as they talked, but we could only go so far. Being tethered wasn't fun, especially if you needed privacy. And I used to hate having to dial the numbers and wait for the dial to go all the way back around before I could enter the next one. Numbers with lots of zeros seemed to take forever, unless that was the only number you needed to dial and that was for reaching the operator. 

We also had a desk type phone, a black rotary phone, upstairs in a little built in nook at the top of our stairs. That phone didn't have a long cord, so we had to stand close by when talking on it. I remember, when I was much younger, that we even had a party line. If you wanted to make a phone call, you had to first lift the receiver to see if anyone was already using the line. If they were, you had to click and ask to interrupt. Sometimes the other person would be gracious and agree to end their conversation, but often, they would not and we'd have to wait to try again. Aren't you glad we don't have to do that now? But sometimes, when our cell service is down or we're in a limited reception area, it can feel the same way - frustrating! 

And another thing I don't really like about where we are today is the fact that people don't talk to each other as much as they once did. Not only did people meet and talk face to face (even if over the fence or over the clothesline), we talked. When weather didn't permit, we called on our rotary phones. Nowadays, people don't use their cell phones that way much. It's easier to shoot off a quick text or make appointments online. Yes, technology is good but also impersonal when it comes to things like cell phones. 

Now back to my calendar. 

As I look over the one I bought for this year, I'm surprised to find I don't have many medical appointments on it! What a blessing! For the past 11 years, I've been running from one doctor to the next for one thing after another. 2025 looks promising if I can keep my health in check and that's one of my resolutions for this year - to move more, to relax more, to travel more, to eat healthier, and to spend more intense time in the Word. I hate to admit it, but I've become lax in some of those areas this past year. So, as many do on the first day of the New Year, I'm going to consider this a fresh start, a clean slate, and do what I can to make my life better. 

One major thing I'm going to implement into my daily routine, and yes, I've already popped it on my calendar, is to make time to focus more on gratitude. It might not seem important to some, but for me, it's huge. 

I have a big Mason jar on my kitchen counter. Each year, I cut strips of paper and keep nearby so I can write down special God kisses each day. I always start with good intentions and then somehow, I get busy and before I know it, I've skipped a few days, then weeks, and even months. But this year, I won't! That tiny goal is one of my most important ones. Do you want to know why? Because, I've found, especially after living life post cancer, that those special things/people/events God sends my way matter and I need to pay particular attention to the favor He garners over me. 

On New Year's Eve, I'll dump out my jar and re-read all the things I've written. They'll remind me of what happened through the year, but more importantly, they'll help me remember God's goodness and faithfulness to me. 

I have a cousin who writes the most amazing newsletter at the end of each year. I don't know how he manages to do it unless he keeps strict notes throughout the year, but he does. I can barely remember what happened yesterday anymore. But when I jot down a quick note on my slip of paper, fold it, and place it in my jar, I don't have to think about it anymore - until the end of the year. It's a cheap and easy way to keep up and I like it. 

In an effort to make my own end of the year newsletter to send family and friends, I've found  making notes on my paper calendar helpful, too. When we go on a trip, I'll make little notes like -"We saw a Bald Eagle as we were on our way to Florida," or " We visited the Bigfoot Museum while in the mountains." Those little memory keepers help me compile something worthwhile. Of course, I don't share everything I write, only the most important events, but you get the idea. 

This New Year is filled with possibilities, expectations, hopes, and dreams. I hope you'll look forward to each day with anticipation. I'm going to do my best to do so. And thank you for continuing on this journey with me. There have been many days I've considered shutting down my blog, but in some small way, I hope it helps someone. That's my intent anyway.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner

 

Wow. I haven't written much this year and I don't really know why other than the fact that I've been busy. It's a sad excuse and one I'm ashamed to admit, particularly since I love writing. 

It's hard to believe how fast the year has flown. My grandmother always used to say, "The older you get, the faster time flies." Boy, was she right. At almost 67, it seems I blink and the year is over. 

Thanksgiving will be in 9 days! It's a time of year I've always enjoyed but this year, it will be very different. Instead of getting to spend the day with my family, I'll be spending it with some of my husband's relatives. 

I'd posted on Facebook about our plans to spend the holiday alone this year since the kids were doing their own thing, and was pleasantly surprised when my husband's cousin reached out. Her invitation to have us join their family was unexpected but very welcomed. Since most of my husband's relatives are already deceased or live far away, we don't get to see them often other than at funerals and I felt it important to accept her gracious offer. It will definitely be different, especially since I don't know his side of the family well, but I'm sure we'll enjoy being with them and making new memories. 

I'm thankful I won't have to do all the meal prep this year, as I normally do. I won't have to scour the house making sure everything is clean and tidy before the kids and grands rush in. Instead, I'll make a couple of dishes to take with us and I'll get a chance to enjoy the day in a new way. Of course, I'll miss the banter and laughter that normally accompanies the kids when they arrive, but it might be nice to have a peaceful, quiet holiday with older folks. 

Thinking back over the years, I have so much to be grateful for. I've almost lost my life several times, but God's allowed me to live. In 1971, my gallbladder burst and gangrene began to set in prompting my doctor to do emergency surgery to remove the organ. I'd suffered for an entire year before they ever figured out what was wrong with me. 

In 1991, I was in a terrible car accident. I was hit head on by a 2 1/2 ton truck. The driver was diabetic and had forgotten to take his insulin that morning. He lost conciousness while driving and hit me head on. My right leg was crushed and had to be put back together with steel pins. I was in a wheelchair for a year and a half. My bones didn't want to fuse back together and the doctor talked about amputation, but God allowed me to slowly recover. I spent another year on crutches before being able to walk without aid. I was so grateful.

In 2005, an endocrinologist discovered lumps in my throat. Biopsies revealed they were precancerous so I had to have my thyroid gland removed.

In 2014, I was diagnosed with stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. Aggressive medical treatment which included surgery helped me survive. 

Earlier this year, I had another major surgery to repair a hiatal hernia. Just a few days after that surgery, I had complications that led to the development of an ileus (which basically means your bowel shuts down.) I was rushed to the ER and spent a week in the hospital until they could get me stablized. 2 more times this year, I've been rushed to the ER with tacycardia...it's like Satan has tried over and over again to take me out, but God said it isn't time yet. 

Every day I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. That's why I look for reasons to be grateful. I've started writing down at least 3 things each day for which I'm thankful. It's helped to shift my focus from my physical ailments to one of gratitude. 

The health issues aren't quite over though. In January, I'll have a total knee replacement. My left knee has given out. I've already had 2 surgeries on it and have had 4 cortisone injections trying to prolong the inevitable. I don't want another surgery, but I love walking so I'm going to have to do it. The doc says there's no cartilage in there anymore and I'm currently walking bone on bone. 

We have so much to be thankful for - not only the physical comforts we enjoy on a daily basis, but for all the blessings God allows into our lives.This Thanksgiving, I pray you'll find yourself looking for reasons to celebrate His goodness. There are others more unfortunate than you, whether you know them or not. 

This is the first year I've put my Christmas tree up before Thanksgiving, too! Since we weren't going to have any of the family here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us, I figured why not. At least I'll get to enjoy the pretty tree and decorations a few weeks longer than normal and I may decide to leave it up til mid January, too. 

Holiday traditions are wonderful. We find peace and comfort in the routine, but I think sometimes God wants us to be willing to be flexible. I'm trying hard to think that way and look for unexpected blessings in the flexibility. 

There's a wonderful book I read years ago called "1000 Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. The book focuses on her desire to live a life of gratitude after tragically losing her little sister. She learned that living Eucharisteo means living a life of thanks. It's a very poignant book and if you haven't read it, I hope you will. 

May you find much to be thankful for this year and may God bless you with the love of family and friends this holiday season. I'll try to write more in the days ahead, I've already made it one of my New Year's resolutions.

Will the health challenges ever end?

I wish I'd understood how age affects one's health. Even though I saw it first hand, I didn't grasp the concept as my in laws and my parents began to decline. I knew their stamina would wane, that's just part of life, but to fully understand the challenges of aging, I think one must have first hand experience. 

By today's standards, I'm not really old. Yes, I'm closer to 70 than 60, but to me, that's still pretty young. I don't necessarily feel my age. Perhaps that's because I push myself day in and day out. Since my cancer diagnosis back in 2014, I've pushed even harder than ever before. I've often asked myself why, but when I think about it, I believe the feeling I need to use up every minute of every day is rooted in the fear of wasting time that I am not guaranteed to have. Funny how a disease can impress that on you. 

This year has been extremely challenging. I've been hospitalized more times than I can count. Some of those hospitalizations were planned surgeries and others, complications of surgeries or unexpected issues that snuck up on me when I least expected them. 

I don't like hospitals but I will say I feel comfortable in them. I know, even in hospitals where the care isn't the greatest, I will receive some care. That gives me a weird form of security, but I have to say, the last few visits to the ER were definitely not good experiences. In fact, they were pretty bad and I'm not just talking about personnel, I'm talking about uncleanness and ineptitude. I never thought hospitals in our city would be that way. How naive of me! 

Today I had a CT scan on my knee. I wasn't expecting to do it so soon. On my last visit to the bone and joint center, I'd had a good many x-rays done. My poor left knee had been giving me problems for the past 2 years. I'd already had a lateral menisectomy and a condroplasty on it. I'd also had 4 cortisone shots. Those bought me some time, but the doc said we were now at a point of making the choice to better my quality of life or keep winging it with medical patches. He said the x-rays revealed my situation was now bone on bone. There was nothing left to do other than a complete knee replacement...OH JOY! 

I wondered why they wanted a CT scan after I'd received this news, but the medical assistant cleared it up for me. She said they needed the scan in order to make my prosthetic joint. When she said that, I became very quiet. 

My poor body has been through a lot. In fact, sometimes I wonder how I'm still alive with all the pieces and parts I have missing. You could say I'm a miracle, but I think God isn't done with me yet and that's why He keeps letting me go through one health trial after another. 

I keep hoping my kids will see and understand the things I didn't as my parents were aging. If they lived closer, I imagine they would. I don't ever want to have to need their help, but eventually it will come down to it. 

Aging joints, lack of strength, needing to rest more often, random aches and pains - I've got all of those, I'll admit. It sucks, to be honest. I'd love to have the strength from my youth again, but that won't ever happen. 

If this surgery can make me more mobile, I'll be thankful. I don't look forward to all it entails, but sometimes you do what you have to do to keep going. 

I've got my walker fitted with little gliding tennis balls and I'm psyching myself up for physical therapy. Just like the train in the Little Engine that Could, a story I used to read my children when they were small, I'm telling myself, "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can..." I sure hope I'm right. I don't ever want to be confined to a wheelchair again like I was after my awful car wreck in 1990. That was a time of excruciating pain and trauma. My right tibia and fibula were completely

crushed and it took almost 3 years for me to be able to walk without pain again. Thank goodness it's the left leg this time. Boy, I'm glad we only have 2 legs!

Another blessed year of life

The first week of 2024 has come and gone. I meant to start writing this year's blog on the first day of the new year, but that didn't happen. You know what they say about good intentions...

This year seems to have started off with a great sense of urgency. Not only have I grown older, but I've also become wiser. I'm realizing there are more days behind me than ahead of me and I'd better get busy doing the things I want to do. 

I've checked in on many friends diagnosed the same year I was. Some of them are still around while others have gone on to glory. It's a sad thing to realize our personal choices in treatment options most likely contributed to our current state of health, but it's true. Those who chose conventional rounds of chemotherapy and radiation haven't fared as well as those who chose a more natural route. It makes me extremely sad to know, had they considered different options, they might still be around. But when you're in the thick of things, choices are often made under duress. 

I've decided, after almost 10 years of survivorship, that cancer will no longer dominate my life. Yes, it will still be part of it since I'll be making annual visits to the City of Hope for checkups, but I won't be allowing thoughts of a possible recurrence to dictate my days. In fact, I'm purposing in my heart to push all thoughts of cancer aside and have a great year. 

This year seems to be a year of big changes. Phil has retired and I'm getting used to the routine of having him home 24 hours a day. It's definitely an adjustment but it's also been nice, too. We can come and go as we please and it's nice to have a constant companion on outings. 

Later this month, we'll take our first cruise together. It will be exciting and scary at the same time. He's always wanted to go on a cruise. Me, not so much. Hopefully, it will be a great trip and I won't get seasick. We'll be heading toward a warmer climate which will be wonderful considering the chilly weather we've been experiencing here. 

Also, in the next few months, we'll be moving again. We've got our real estate agent looking for our perfect forever home. 

The yard at the old house was huge and hilly making it difficult for us to keep up with the yardwork as we grew older. Also, climbing up on a ladder to clean out gutters was becoming more of a challenge for Phil as he was pushing 70 and his knees were giving him problems. Yes, we could have hired someone to do the work but felt it was time to find a smaller home, and sale prices were at an all-time high, so we caved. We made a nice profit and now we're on to greener pastures. 

God has been so good to us and we know He has many blessings ahead. We can't wait to see how those unfold. We pray you have a very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year. 

Hopefully, I'll do better at keeping my blog up to date this year. One of my resolutions is to do that! 

Hmm

Hmm. How can such a little "word" represent such deep thought? And yes, it is a word. Look it up if you don't believe me. 

Lately, I've been saying hmm a lot. There are so many things going on in the world that puzzle me. For instance, the fact that conveniently a new strain of the virus is going around and more than likely, new mandates will begin soon. Also, I'm puzzled by the number of people believing the lies of the enemy about who they are and who they're supposed to be. It seems we're living in a really crazy screwed up world. 

Also, recent health issues have me muttering hmm a lot. That's one of the reason I haven't been writing my blog lately. There's been a lot going on for the past few months, things I can't control. And that's hard for a person who enjoys being in control. 

It seems my innards don't like me much anymore. I've had to have 3 endoscopies done and twice, during those, I've had to have my esophagus stretched. It seems my body doesn't like solid food and won't let it pass down the esophagus as God designed it to do. 

The stretching has helped some, especially with the feeling of choking, but it hasn't solved the problem. Now that the food can pass through the esophagus, it doesn't want to go any further. It seems the junction at the base of the esophagus and the stomach are fighting. So my doc has ordered a CT scan of the abdomen. I'll have that test done in a little over a week. Hopefully it will show the problem and the doc can fix it. 

I've also been wondering if just maybe the cancer might be back. I don't want to go there, but I'm a realist. It is a possibility. 

My brother died of esophageal cancer and we have a history of many types of cancer in our family, so who knows? I pray that isn't the case and I don't know what I'll do if it is. 

Gosh! I just remembered. On my last endoscopy, the doc did several biopsies of places he found in my stomach. I haven't gotten the results from those tests back yet. Usually it only takes about 5-7 days for the results to come back. Hmm. I'm hoping no news is good news. 

So, that's where things stand for now. 

I could use your prayers. And I'm thankful for those of you who take time to do that.

One thing leads to another

They say hindsight is 20/20 and I've found that to be true for the most part. When I look back on various things in my life, I can see so much more clearly, especially when those things are health related. 

In December 2021, I was extremely sick with some weird illness that caused me to be unable to swallow. I went to the emergency room twice, to urgent care twice, and to my general physician 3 times. During that time, I had all sorts of tests run - bloodwork, laryngoscopies, MRIs, and CT scans. At first they thought I had a salivary stone. Next, they thought Sjogren's Syndrome, after a positive ANA test, they thought it was a rheumatological disorder but nothing definite was ever determined. After 2 rounds of steroids and 2 of antibiotics, I got a little better, but then, I got Tracheitis. Unsure whether or not my CPAP machine may have contributed to that issue, I was told to stay off of it for 3 weeks. 

The CT scan on my head and neck revealed an area of concern on the upper right lobe of my lung. How it picked up that area, I have no clue, but it did. Immediately, I freaked out thinking the cancer had returned. Calling my oncologist, I shared the news. He scheduled a CT scan of my lungs with and without contrast. That was earlier last week. On Friday, I got the call from his office. They said the area on my lung was damaged tissue from radiation therapy. Whew! I was glad to hear that, but I wasn't expecting what came next. The test also picked up an area of concern on the T6 vertebrae of my spine. Great. Just what I needed. Another area to freak out about! And now, they want me to have a nuclear medicine full body bone scan. They didn't tell me why they wanted me to have the test, but I know. They're looking to see if the cancer has metastasized. 

When they lopped off my boobs, they did find cancer in my sentinel lymph node, too. That meant the cancer was traveling. Thankfully, after removing a total of 6 nodes in my right arm and 2 in the left, They didn't find any more cancer. So, I assumed everything was all good. 

In July of this year, I'll celebrate 8 years of being cancer free...I hope. 

I have to look back at the circumstances of the way everything happened with gratitude. If I don't, I can't accept that God allowed each thing to lead to another thing to hopefully take care of a potential problem before it gets out of control. 

I don't want to go through cancer again...EVER! But if I have to, I'd rather know very early on so the doctors can help me figure out how to battle it. 

I don't know what I'll do if they say it is a recurrence. I don't know how I'll choose to fight it. The first round, I refused chemo but did do radiation therapy and anti-hormone therapy for a few months. If I'm told the cancer has returned, what will I do? I've already started to think about it. 

My friends and family tell me not to borrow trouble, and I'm not trying to, I'm just a practical person. I like to have a plan. I like to think ahead. 

I never really thought long and hard during my first round of cancer. I just did what I had to do. I knew I wanted the cancer out of my body as fast as possible so I went radical and said, "Cut them off!" If I get news it's in my spine, I'll probably lean toward doing chemotherapy this time. I know it will make me extremely sick, but if it means I'll have a better chance of living longer, I'll do it. 

My Aunt died of bone cancer. I watched her during the last few weeks of her life. She was in excruciating pain. The morphine didn't help lessen her pain or control it. Her agony is not something I think I could endure. 

I wish I didn't know so much about the spine. Working for a two chiropractors I learned a lot. And now it all makes sense. I've been having a lot of back pain in that area for some time. I thought I was just dealing with a herniated disk. I guess time will tell. 

The funny thing is, even before I find out the results from the complete body bone scan, I have a sneaking feeling I'm going to get bad news. I'm not trying to be morbid, it's just a gut feeling I have. 

Back in 1976, I read a book by Betty Rollin called, First You Cry. It's about how she felt when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Little did I know that 38 years after I read her book, I'd face the same plight. 

Last week, while visiting a thrift store, the spine of a book caught my eye and it nearly jumped off the shelf at me. It was Betty's book. For some reason, I purchased it and brought it home to re-read. It's been 46 years since I've read her story and I felt the need to read it again. 

Maybe it's just a coincidence or maybe mere curiosity, but as I've been reading the book again this week, it's felt comforting to know her feelings are so similar to mine. I'd forgotten about her sick sense of humor that cracks me up. For instance, at a dinner party, she's talking with a speech writer and all of a sudden he asks her what she does for a living. Betty pipes up and says, without missing a beat, "I had a breast cut off recently and I'm trying to get over it." Naturally, the man sitting with her is caught off guard by her candor and nearly drops his fork. I had to laugh out loud when I read it. Only those who've been there would get it, and I did. Sometimes, we say things for the pure shock value because it's the most suitable thing we can think of at the time. 

It will be interesting to see how all this plays out. The scan is on May 31st. I'll go into the hospital at 9:00 a.m. to be injected with a radioactive tracer then I'll return to the hospital 3 hours later for an hour long scan. I don't know how long it will be before I receive the results, but I'm praying now that whatever is on T6 will be miraculously gone. If not, I'll try to receive the news with grace and trust that God has everything under control. He's the only one who knows what my future holds. 

Oh, sure, I'd love to have a crystal ball and be able to see what happens in the days, weeks, and months ahead. I'd love to know how long I'm going to live and how I'm going to die, but God doesn't give me that ability. If He did, there would be no reason for me to have faith, would there? 

It's hard. I won't lie. It's so hard to think about possibly going through cancer again. I know I'll beat myself up with the what ifs - did I do the right thing in my choice for the first fight? Did I do something to feed the cancer and cause it to grow again? Was there something I ignored? The questions are endless. 

All I can do is wait and I suck at that. In the meantime, I'm going to spend some time at the beach trying to think about nothing other than watching the rolling of the ocean waves, seeing the splendor of the sunrises and sunsets, feeling the sand beneath my feet, and allowing my mind to be soothed by the sights and sounds of nature. 

Please keep me in your prayers. I'll keep you posted in the days ahead. No matter what, I know that God is good and He has a good plan for my life. 

I’m trying really hard not to cry…

Tomorrow is the big day

Tomorrow is the big day, the day I celebrate 7 years of being cancer free. 

As I think back on all God's brought me through, I can't believe I've made it this far. 

A friend I met through an online breast cancer site and I share the exact same diagnosis and we were diagnosed just a few months apart from each other. She's not doing well at all and is about to enter hospice. I can't help but wonder why God's allowing me to live on while she is facing the end of her life. It hurts my heart and while I can't quite understand it, I have to remember God is God and I am not. He and He alone has numbered our days. My only hope is that my friend will know she was well loved and she will certainly be missed when she goes home to meet the Lord. I'm so thankful for her faithful witness, her strength and her resilience. Though she chose a different treatment path than I, I can't help but wonder if perhaps the chemotherapy and all of the other medications she endured during treatment may have contributed to her ill health. 

When I first began fighting cancer, I chose to go the natural route. The only conventional treatment I agreed to was surgery and radiation therapy. I felt those were the best choices for me and for the most part, I've been happy. Other than the burns I suffered and the cording, I think I've done quite well. It hasn't been a bed of roses though, by any means. And the side effect of lymphedema in both arms sucks, but I'm still here, so how can I complain? 

Everyone has to make their own decisions in the fight against cancer and we can never fault someone for choosing a treatment plan that differs from our own. We all want to live and we'll do anything possible to gain better odds toward that end goal, but sometimes, we react from fear and don't always make the best decisions. 

It would be nice if doctors would present all choices and allow the patient to make an informed decision, but that isn't usually the case. Most doctors steer patients toward conventional therapies and those usually involve severe life altering remedies. Chemotherapy and radiation both kill the good and bad cells in our bodies. There's no way to only target the cancer cells. If there were, we'd have so many more survivors than we currently have. 

I've always wondered why doctors don't help their patients discover natural, less invasive solutions to fighting cancer. Their Hippocratic oath of "Do no harm" should be all encompassing, but there are big bucks in big pharma and many doctors are all about the dollar signs. 

Seven years seems like a lifetime ago. It's hard to remember what life was like B.C. (before cancer) but I try. Some of the things I do remember and miss terribly are my physical stamina and my body image. I used to have so much energy I could go for days, now, I'm lucky if I make it to 9:00 p.m. without flopping into bed exhausted. I used to look in the mirror and think, "Hey, you're one hot chick!" But now, I can't help but look at my body with sadness and disgust. 

God has been faithful and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, He understands all of the emotions I've faced throughout these past 7 years. He's watched me cry tears of heartbreak and joy. He's held me tight when I felt I was unloved and unlovely. He's comforted me and given me strength on days I never thought I'd make it. I am so grateful He's deemed me fit to continue on. I know He still has work for me to do. 

Throughout my 63 years on Earth, I've learned, over and over again, through every trial I've ever faced that God is loving and kind. He has a good plan for me, a plan to prosper me and not to harm me. A plan to give me a future and a hope. 

And so, I press on. 

Now instead of watching the clock, I move through life minute by minute trusting God for the next step along the way. Jesus is my portion. He is my one true love. He is my everything. His eye is on the sparrow And I know He watches me

Fresh Air - the cure all

Beautiful Starr's Mill near Senoia

 It's been days since I've been outside enjoying the fresh air, so when we woke up today and noticed the overcast sky, I assumed we'd be inside another day. 

Hubby settled down to read his Bible with a steaming cup of coffee while I finished up the last of my Christmas cards. 

I was antsy. I needed to go somewhere and do something, so I asked my love if he'd be willing to visit one of of our favorite picnic spots - Starr's Mill just outside Senoia. 

He was quick to agree so we stopped what we were doing, loaded up the car and headed out. 

I'd grabbed my camera, as I normally do on our adventures, and had gently thrown it into the back seat of the car. 

When we arrived at the park, there were only two other cars there. A woman and a young couple were making engagement photos. The other vehicle belonged to two fishermen who were unloading their boat and getting ready to enjoy an afternoon of fishing. 

Phil and I went to my favorite photo spot and he held my camera bag as I snapped a few shots of the waterfall and the mill. Then we hiked over to the other side of the river and enjoyed a walk along the water's edge. 

It was so peaceful as we walked through fallen leaves and over downed branches. The only sounds we heard were sounds from birds. There were 4 Canada geese, 3 ducks, and one Great Blue Heron. The heron didn't make a sound but the other birds were a bit noisy. 

A beautiful Great Blue Heron

I found another great photo spot and climbed over some large rocks and through a marshy area. When the ground started to feel as if it were sucking at my shoes, I stopped and yelled to Phil that I wasn't going to go any further for fear of trudging into knee deep sludge. I got my shot and moved back onto the path. 

As we rounded the bend, the men were about to launch their boat into the water. We stopped to speak to them and I asked what kind of fish they were hoping to catch today. The elder of the two said probably Bream or Crappie. I nodded and asked if he knew if there were any Gar in the river. He said there were and I think he was surprised I knew anything about fishing. 

We talked a few more minutes and then said our goodbyes and moved on. It was nice to see people out and about without masks on. I think everyone is sick and tired of having to wear masks! I know we sure are. 

We enjoyed our lunch and chatted a bit about our future before heading back home. 

The sky was clouding up more and we wondered if it was going to rain soon. 

It's amazing how a simple day outdoors can refresh and revive the soul. I'm so thankful we took time to go outside. We both needed it.

A new "new normal"

Since the Corona Virus came to town, everything has been weird. Nothing makes sense. Overnight people got sick as the virus spread. And then some began to die. That's when the President decided it was serious. He closed our borders.

We watched the news listening intently to reports on China. My heart went out to those dear people. I'd been there. I had invested time in the lives of many students there when I had the opportunity to spend time teaching them English as a Second Language. It was hard seeing the devastation.

Emotions were on edge. Along with the fear at it reaching our country, many were angry at China. Many conflicting reports made wild insinuations. We had no idea what was really true and what wasn't. We were in the dark.

And that's when many of us grew to know a new normal.

As a survivor of breast cancer, my first time hearing the words "new normal" were as I'd completed treatment. Several of my "pink sisters" told me I'd soon face a different world, a world where nothing was familiar and everything had changed. They were right.

It didn't happen all at once. It happened slowly, but over time, I learned to adapt and adjust to being a breastless woman. I learned to navigate a world of pink, a world of learning unfamiliar medical terminology, feeling like a human guinea pig as I endured treatment, the ugliness of mastectomy bras, prostheses, lymphedema and lots and lots of bills.

I had many ups and downs, and still do. It's hard adapting, but I do it because I have no choice. I want to live and this is the lot I've been given, so I heed the words of a wise sage who once said, "Suck it up, buttercup!"

When television reporters and newspapers started to use the familiar cancer terminology, I felt a little betrayed. New normal belonged to breast cancer, not a paranoid world of people fearing a contagious virus. But somehow, the phrase stuck and media outlets are using it often. Oh well. Those of us who've been through breast cancer know what new normal really means, it means a whole lot more than what the general public think it means.

The current new normal revolves around lots of hand washing, disinfecting, sanitizing, and social distancing (another new terminology thanks to the Corona Virus). Businesses have been forced to close, the stock market is unstable, people are filled with fear and rightly so. No one wants to die.

But the President has a plan to boost the failing economy. He's presented a big stimulus package that will give adults in our country a check. People are happy about that. But it's a bandaid that won't really fix the problem. The new new normal will probably be around for a while.

If you ask a breast cancer survivor how she feels about all this, you might be surprised at the many different answers you'll receive. Each of us has a different perspective. But since this is my blog, I'll give you mine.

I think we learn to adjust and adapt. Humans have an innate will to survive. We do what it takes, always have, always will. And those who choose not to usually don't make it, although some don't have a choice, especially where cancer is involved.

Those of us who've survived cancer know what it takes to embrace change. We do it second by second each and every day.

I hope our country takes their new normal seriously and maybe, when things calm down a little, they'll pay more attention to the next person with cancer who tries to explain what living life post diagnosis feels like.

And that's all I've got to say about that.

For those with breast cancer, mundane tasks like grocery shopping can be a challenge.

Before cancer, grocery shopping was a pleasurable experience. Up and down the rows, I'd search out new and interesting products now matter how long it took, now it's a challenging task. Lymphedema and back pain make my trips to the store short and fast, or at least that has been the case for the past year or so, but now that I've discovered online shopping and free pickup, things have become much easier.

This weekend, I ordered groceries through Kroger's online service. The process was quick and easy only taking about fifteen minutes. After I'd loaded my card, I inserted my credit card information and voila! I was done. My order, the site said, would be ready at my specified time the next day. I was grateful I hadn't had to go through the process of driving to the store, wandering the aisles, choosing my food items, loading them into the cart, unloading them onto the conveyor belt and then, reloading them into the car. That would have taken more than an hour and I didn't have that precious time to waste.

The following day, I received a text alert reminding me to pickup my order at the specified time. Happily, I drove to the store to retrieve the order. Sitting in the parking lot, I read through some emails as the store employee loaded everything carefully into my car. Within minutes, the employee was closing the tailgate on my vehicle and I was off. Smiling all the way home, I was grateful.

After bringing all the groceries inside and putting them away, it hit me. There had been a team of people who'd put my order together. Looking at the receipt, I saw about 8 names listed with a big smiley face and a hope you have a great day written beneath it. My "pullers" as they called themselves, had each been assigned separate sections. As they worked together, they made the task of assembling my order an easy one.

Sitting down at the table, I decided those workers needed to understand how vital they were to people like me, people with physical limitations like breast cancer, lymphedema, chronic fatigue, and back pain. Taking out a piece of stationary, I began to compile my thoughts and drafted a note of gratitude.

My husband agreed to drop of the note the next day on his way home from work. I hoped it would be received by the manager of the online ordering department and that it might possibly be shared with other staff.

The following day, I got a call from Kroger. The manager of the online shopping crew called to tell me they'd received my note. She thanked me profusely and said it was rare for them to receive any type of thanks much less a handwritten note. She commented on the fact that I was a breast cancer survivor. I'd shared that information in hopes of helping her understand the importance of their online service, especially when I was having one of my bad days. The manager understood and responded that she had a dear friend with breast cancer who had just started chemotherapy. We talked a few more minutes about the devastating effects of breast cancer before ending our conversation.

I couldn't help wondering if every woman knows someone touched by breast cancer. Perhaps not a close friend or relative, but surely, if every woman thought hard enough, even a distant acquaintance  would come to mind. Would it even be possible to find one women unfamiliar with the disease? I doubted it.

Breast cancer is so prevalent in our world today and it's sad to say so many have been touched by it.

Thankfully, there are companies, like Kroger, who make our lives a little easier by offering their online services. And next month, the shelves are going to be filled with pink ribboned products, but I think I'll pass on those when placing my order. I don't need a constant reminder of breast cancer. All I have to do is look down, there's a permanent reminder just under my nose.

I Hate Cancer

I don't usually use the word hate. I don't like it very much, but today, I will.

Today I got an email from a friend sharing the news that one of her friends was just diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. My friend was reaching out wanting to know how she could help this newly diagnosed friend. As I read through the email, I was not only sad, I got mad. I wasn't mad at the sender. I was mad at the disease.

Everywhere, it seems, cancer continues to invade and decimate the lives of unsuspecting men, women, and children. Every single day, I hear of another case of cancer. For some reason, once you've been diagnosed, people assume you're an instant expert on the disease and I'll admit, I have learned an awful lot over the past 5 years but there's still much to know and understand.

Naively, I keep thinking one day they'll find a cure for all forms of cancer, but when I think of how much money the big pharmaceutical companies are making from treating the disease, I doubt that's true. My heart hurts for all those who've gone the traditional medical route. Chemotherapy, radiation, and antihormone therapy wreak havoc on the body and many times cause irreparable damage. Many people don't know they have a choice not to go the traditional route and doctors don't offer them the choice. It's up to the individual to do their own research or learn of the option by word of mouth from another cancer survivor.

More than likely, cancer has been around for hundreds of years but doctors back then didn't have access to the medical information we have today. I'm sure many people died of cancer that was left undiagnosed or was misdiagnosed. And they may have lived for many, many years with the cancer growing inside their bodies while they were completely unaware that anything was wrong at all. In fact, the oncologist told me that most of the time, by the time a lump is felt, it's been growing in the body for ten years or more. That's a scary thought. How many people purposely check their bodies every day for lumps, bumps, and bruises? Not many.

All that being said, I'm completely disgusted with cancer and yes, I do hate it, but I'm also grateful for it in my own life. It's been a great teacher. It's taught me to slow down and see things differently. That may be a hard concept to grasp for some but it's true. Before cancer, I took so much for granted. Now I don't take a single moment of a single day for granted.

I do still suffer from the side effects of treatment and complications from surgery. Those are little unexpected gifts that cancer left in its wake. And while I wish I didn't have to deal with the aggravating condition of lymphedema, muscle cording, and so many other ill effects of cancer on my body, I'm just thankful to be alive.

It would be amazing to live long enough to see a cure found for cancer, but I doubt it will happen in my lifetime. In the meantime, I pray daily that none of my loved ones will ever be diagnosed. I think I will always hate cancer and I think it's okay to feel that way.

The Homeschool Lesson

I’ll never forget my eight-grade year of high school. It was such a pivotal year for me. I’d just become a teenager and had entered the world of exploring my independence. It was an amazing school year. Most of my friends and I had known each other since first grade. We’d attended the same elementary school and were so excited to be leaving Indian Creek. We thought we were hot stuff but had no idea what who we were or where we were headed.

My first year of high school was scary. I can still feel those feelings of anxiousness as I wandered down those locker lined hallways. I was a tiny minnow swimming upstream in a sea of hormones. But those scary feelings didn’t last long. Soon I learned my way around the school and began to settle into a comfortable routine.

Not long after I’d memorized my class schedule, I began having strange stomach pains. All through the school year, I struggled with extreme nausea and a feeling of something being not quite right in my belly. My mother thought it was just nerves and encouraged me to push through the pain, which I did for many weeks, but soon the nausea was accompanied by vomiting and the pain grew worse.

Realizing I wasn’t feigning illness to get out of classes, my mother took me to the doctor. After running a battery of tests, it was determined that I had a viral infection. We were sent home and told the infection should clear up in a few days, but it didn’t. Things continually got worse. I think my parents really started to worry when I was unable to keep food down and I’d cry myself to sleep at night as the abdominal pains wracked my body.

Somehow I managed to complete the eighth grade but I was still very ill and we had no idea why. One doctor after another was consulted. My mother was told I had mononucleosis and I was sent home to rest. When nothing seemed to help, I was taken to another doctor who thought I had Hepatitis. That diagnosis involved my entire family who had to endure preventative shots but that diagnosis turned out to be incorrect, too.

I wasn’t getting any better, in fact, I was growing much worse. At that point, my mother decided to take me to see a gastroenterologist. Upon physical examination, he could find nothing wrong. But after several visits to see him, this old country doctor had an idea. He told my mother to take me out a very greasy meal. Both she and I looked at him like he was crazy but he assured us he knew what he was doing and that we needed to trust him.

Mama took me to Matthew’s cafeteria to get a big ol' plate of fried chicken. She’d been told to allow me to eat the food and then bring me right back to Dr. G’s office. Shortly after consuming the chicken, I became deathly ill and was doubled over in pain. In the doctor’s office, I sat on the exam table as he palpated my abdomen. He looked at my mother and said we need to do emergency surgery. Both she and I were dumbfounded.

Dr. G explained that I had gallstones and that my gallbladder was severely inflamed. This was a rare condition for a thirteen year old to be facing, Dr.G said, and that’s one reason it had been so difficult to diagnose.

I was admitted to the hospital the following day and before surgery could be performed, my gallbladder ruptured allowing dangerous gangrene to spread through my body. I didn’t know it at the time, but I almost died. Dr. G told my mother if they hadn’t had a cancellation, which allowed my surgery to be moved up an hour, I would have died.

It was touch and go for many days, but they finally got me stabilized and I was able to go home with a foot long scar and a drainage tube in my belly.

Recovery was tough and I spent the summer recuperating at home.

When it was time for me to start 9^th grade, I was still weak and the doctor felt I needed to continue gaining my strength back before returning to school. That meant I would have to be homeschooled so I could keep up with my classmates. Teachers at the high school were notified and a plan was made. The teachers would write out weekly assignments for me, my mother would go to the school each week to pick them up, and the following week we’d submit my work for grading. This plan worked well with most classes and I was thankful to have the opportunity to recover at home.

One day, my Home Economics teacher, Mrs. Sara Lou Jenkins, decided to make a home visit to see how I was doing. She’d called the house and asked my mother if she could stop by after school that day. I was nervous about the visit because I’d never met Mrs. Jenkins before but I was also looking forward to visiting with one of my 9^th grade teachers.

Mrs. Jenkins rang the doorbell as Mama was getting supper ready. We were going to have fried chicken, something I hadn’t been able to enjoy in quite a long time. Since Mama had flour on her hands from dredging the chicken, she asked me to invite Mrs. Jenkins in.

When I went to the door, I found a slight little bird-like woman standing in front of me. She was in a 1950's style dress with a string of pearls around her neck. I noticed her perfectly coiffed hair and her earrings that matched her necklace. Inviting her into our home, I led Mrs. Jenkins into our living room. She sat on our sofa and began to chat with me. Mama leaned her head toward the living room from the doorway of the kitchen telling Mrs. Jenkins that she’d be available to visit in just a few minutes. She explained she needed to wash her hands first.

Mama joined Mrs. Jenkins and I as we conversed in the living room. Mrs. Jenkins asked about my health and how I was doing with my assignments. We talked for about ten minutes and then we noticed smoke and a loud pop coming from the kitchen. Mama and Mrs. Jenkins rose at the same time as Mama ran into the kitchen. I was right behind them. Flames were licking the cabinet above the stove as the grease Mama had put into the iron skillet on the stove burned. Mrs. Jenkins was frantic and called out to Mama ways to put out the fire. “You can douse it with flour or throw the lid on the pan,” she cried out in a shrill voice. “Mercy, you have to get that fire out fast!” she screamed. Mama was busy grabbing a towel and trying to get the iron skillet off the gas flame so she could put out the fire and I was afraid she was going to be burned, but somehow she managed to get to it and contain the fire.

My face was blood red with embarrassment as Mrs. Jenkins hurried to leave our smoke filled home. I don’t think it would have been so bad if she hadn’t been my Home Economics teacher. After she left, Mama started to laugh hysterically and as I asked her why she was laughing when our house could have burned down, she said, “Well, at least you learned how to put out a grease fire today and you learned never to leave an iron skillet on a hot stove eye unattended.” I didn’t think it was very funny but I guess Mama was thankful she hadn’t added the chicken just yet. If she’d done that, we wouldn’t have had supper that night.

When we sat down to eat, Mama was telling Daddy all about Mrs. Jenkins visit and as she got to the end of the story, she said, “You should have seen that lady fly out of the house! She must have been so frustrated. I bet she’s never seen a grease fire in all her life and yet she has to teach her students what to do in case they ever have one. I think she got a big ol’ homeschool lesson herself today.”

At that, we all had a good laugh but it took weeks for the smell of smoke to leave our kitchen. I’ll never forget how Mama remained calm that day and how she took care of the fire like it was nothing unusual. That was the day I learned my Mama could teach Mrs. Jenkins a thing or two.

Happy to still be cancer free!

Waiting

Yesterday, I had my six month check up at the cancer treatment center. It's always a harrowing day for me. Just knowing I have to go there makes me a nervous wreck. I guess because I have such a fear of recurrence, it debilitates me.

As I readied for my appointment, I began to get very nervous. I was so nervous, I was trembling. Normally, I'm not an anxious person but since I've had cancer, things have changed.

At my last visit, the doctor and I talked about this. He explained this is very normal and is a form of post cancer PTSD. The trauma of the cancer experience affects a person much in the same way a person who's been to war feels. Loud noises,crowds, and anything out of the normal routine cause feelings of anxiety. That's one reason he prescribed an anti-anxiety medication for me. I only take it when I absolutely need it and I felt I needed it before the visit to the cancer treatment center, so I took one.

After taking the medication, I drove myself to the treatment center. It's a huge center serving all of Southeast Georgia and people come from all over the world to receive care there. Just finding a parking space is a huge challenge because of the volume of patients they see each day, but after driving up and down the rows for several minutes, I managed to find one fairly close to the door.

My bracelet

Taking a deep breath, I said a quick prayer and headed inside. As I entered the facility, I passed a bald woman sitting in a wheelchair. I gave her a big smile and thanked God I wasn't in her shoes. Although I don't understand it, God, in His mercy and grace, has allowed me to do well to date.

Each time a person visits the cancer treatment center, they must stop at the registration desk and receive a badge. No one is admitted without one. After I checked in, I proceeded to the port lab. Although I don't have a port and hopefully never will need one, that's where they do all the blood work.

After the blood draw

I sat in their waiting room for about ten minutes and read before being called back. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the men and women waiting for their turns. One very frail black woman was sharing with another woman about her recent tests. I didn't want to eavesdrop but it was hard to avoid hearing their conversation since they were right in front of me. I noticed the woman wasn't doing well. She had a disposable bag in her hand just in case she felt ill. I was thankful I wasn't going through a period of nausea and vomiting.

Soon my name was called. I followed the lab tech into the drawing room and had a seat. She noticed my compression sleeves and asked where she could draw blood. I explained she could only use my left hand and must use a butterfly needle to draw. She asked me to wait and in a few minutes, she returned with another tech. She needed someone to change out the vials for her as she used the butterfly. I thought it funny that they needed to tag team merely to take a few vials of blood.

After the blood work had been done, I walked to a quiet area in the center to read. It was an hour before my next appointment and it wouldn't be worthwhile to go home and come back again.

The area I was in wasn't quiet for long. Every few minutes, someone was going down the hall. So many people were in wheelchairs and needed assistance getting to their next appointment. Once again, I gave thanks for my well being.

Time passed quickly as I read and soon the alarm on my phone was telling me I needed to head to the clinic to see the doctor.

Arriving at the clinic, I met with the nurse's assistant and had my vitals recorded - weight, blood pressure, pulse, and temperature. Next, I was taken to a room and went into waiting mode again. After about twenty minutes, the doctor came in. I was unfamiliar with the doctor but apparently she was one of my doctor's partners. She was polite and listened well. She went over my test results and said everything looked fine other than my Vitamin D level was a bit low. I was happy to hear I didn't need to return for another 6 months.

Before my next appointment, with the nutritionist, I took the elevator up to the second floor. I wanted to stop by and spend some time in the chapel.

The prayer wall

The chapel is a beautiful, peaceful place and I always enjoy going in there. It's so quiet and is a good place to spend time in prayer. I was surprised to find a new brick wall in the room and it was covered in slips of paper. Tiny prayer requests had been shoved into the cracks of the wall between the stones. I thought it ironic since I'll be going to Israel in 2 months and one of the highlights of my trip will be going to the Wailing Wall. The Wailing Wall is a sacred place and people from all around the world visit each year. One their visits, they leave special prayer or praises recorded on tiny slips of paper. When the wall gets too full of paper, the slips are removed and buried on the Mount of Olives.

After my time of prayer, my next stop was to visit the Cancer Thriver's corner. I always try to stop in and see what activities are scheduled for the month. Usually they offer classes such as drumming, cooking, or various art activities all free for cancer survivors. This time they didn't have anything scheduled that I was interested in so I went down the hall to the free library. I'm always looking for a good book to read and thought on my next visit I'd bring a big stack of donations from my personal library.

A reminder to keep fighting

The meeting with the nutritionist didn't take very long. She just asked how I was doing and wondered if I was having any issues with my diet. Since I wasn't, she just recommended some supplements she thought might benefit me and I was done.

It was such a joy to leave the cancer treatment center! I hate going there and feeling death. It hovers there, it seems, like a huge vulture waiting to swoop in and take its next victim.

On my way home, I couldn't help but think how very blessed I am. Stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma with metastasis to the lymph nodes was my initial diagnosis. Normally, that would have required chemotherapy and radiation along with surgery and hormone therapy. But my faith in God allowed me to choose not to take chemotherapy and not to use the follow up hormone therapy (although I did try it for a few months and got extremely sick from it.)

I continue to follow my natural health regimen which includes lots of green tea, ashwaghanda, turmeric, and a host of other supplements. So far, so good so I must be doing something right.

It amazes me how many people think they have to do exactly what the doctor recommends without doing any research on their own. Since it's my body, I always do a lot of research before I take any recommended medication or treatment. I feel that's my responsibility but I understand many others don't feel the same way. In any event, I'm just thankful. I'm thankful things have gone so well and continue to do so. I never want a recurrence of cancer and hopefully, I won't ever have one.

After the initial surgical scars have healed, some women are making the choice to beautify their mastectomy scars with elaborate and colorful tattoos. While this is a very personal choice, I applaud the women who are brave enough to use their bodies as a statement of survival. Turning the ugliness of cancer into a form of body art takes guts. Finding a tattoo artist willing to work over the top of scarred tissue is challenging, but more and more women are making the choice to ink their chests. But is this choice a wise one? Can the beauty come at a cost?

When I had my breasts removed in 2014, I was unaware of the popularity of breast cancer survivors and chest tattoos. Although I already have many tattoos on my body, I never gave a thought to having my scars covered with ink. Having needles inserted into tender scar tissue wasn't appealing to me, in fact, it was downright scary.

I didn't realize, until I began to research more about breast tattoos, that inking our bodies could be dangerous. I never dreamed that the permanent ink I had applied to my body could travel, accumulate and lodge in my lymph nodes. But in an article, I discovered it was true. According to the article, published in September 2017, research suggested that tattoo ink can cause cancer. While this claim hasn't been proven, it does provide food for thought.

Apparently, the researchers on this study were from France and Germany. Tissue samples, from both people with and without tattoos, were obtained from a selection of deceased individuals. Various testing was performed to measure the levels of dye and metals stored in the lymphatic system. Lymph nodes from the neck, underarms and groin were examined. Scientists looked for answers to these questions:

Do organic pigments travel from the skin to the lymph nodes?
Do people with tattoos have more potentially toxic metals in their skin and lymph nodes?
What size are particles from pigments, and what size are the particles that travel to lymph nodes?
Do the particles affect surrounding tissue?


A specialized technique called spectroscopy was used. During this analysis, samples of organic matter were measured using the wavelength of light and documenting where those measurements fell on the light spectrum.

Researchers found, "strong evidence for both migration and long-term deposition of toxic elements and tattoo pigments from tattoos on the skin into the lymph nodes."

While their studies were inconclusive, it does seem our bodies were made to filter out foreign particles and some of these, including pigments from tattoo ink, can be stored in our skin or lymph nodes.

The researchers explain how tattoo pigments are picked up as "foreign bodies" by the body's immune system and are then stored in the skin and lymph nodes.

Ink used for tattoos is generally sold in ready-to-use containers. These inks can contain a number of colorants, preservatives or fillers.

Toxicities may differ from color to color. In this article, a description of how inks are made causes some concern.

"To make black ink, for instance, manufacturers might use soot or powdered jet, or cinnabar and common rust to make red. Some of the ink ingredients, like the metal cadmium, are known carcinogens, while others, like carbon black, are "possibly carcinogenic", according to the International Agency for Research on Cancer, an arm of the World Health Organization (WHO).

However, this does not necessarily mean that these chemicals are dangerous to human health, said Hayley Goldbach, a resident physician in dermatology at UCLA Health, a health care system affiliated with the University of California at Los Angeles."

Pigments used in tattoo ink have not definitively been linked to causing cancer. However, some harmful metals or toxins could be present in them. Since the long-term effects of such materials haven't been studied, it might be wise to think before you ink.

But one thing baffles me. If there is a considerable risk of ink accumulating in the lymphatic system, why do radiation clinics often tattoo their patients with tiny dots used to help align them under the linear accelerator? Wouldn't the ink used, even if it was medical grade, pose a problem in the future? It just doesn't seem to make sense.

According to another article, nearly four of every 10 millennials have tattoos. Among Generation Xers, only about 32 percent have tattoos and among baby boomers, the number drops to 15 percent. In the US, nearly four in 10 millennials have tattoos, according to a Pew Research Center report.

According to Dr. Bruce Katz, a fellow with the American Academy of Dermatology and director of the Juva Skin and Laser Center in Manhattan, "For those looking to get inked, it's crucial to do your research: Make sure the artist is reputable, get references from clients, and ensure that they are using disposable needles and unopened ink to prevent infections."

After having read these articles, I had to rethink my decision to get tattooed. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. Maybe I should have done a little research to find out what types of inks my tattoo artist was using and where they came from.

I didn't start getting tattoed early in life. In fact, I got my first tattoo at the age of 50! It was on my bucket list. After my children were grown and I'd become a grandmother, I decided to finally cross that item off my list. I found a local artist and went in for my first ink. I didn't believe it when friends told me tattoos were addictive, but I quickly found out it was true. I had three more tattoos before my breast cancer diagnosis. When I was going through radiation treatment, I laughed when the technician asked if I minded being tattooed. She explained it would help them get me properly positioned at each session. After agreeing to be tattooed, she applied six tiny dark blue dots along my torso.

On my first cancerversary, I had a pink ribbon tattoo added to my right calf. Inside it, I had the date of my surgery inscribed. In subsequent years, I've had a small butterfly added to that ribbon for each year I've survived cancer. My children and grandchildren think I've got enough ink on my body, but I won't promise them not to get another just yet.

Making the choice to adorn your body with ink is ultimately your decision but if you currently have cancer or may be predisposed to it, please weigh your options carefully. Hopefully, in the future, there will be more medical research done on the lymphatic system and how it responds to the various types of tattoo ink. Until then, be wise. Think before you ink



References:
https://www.naturalnews.com/2017-09-19-toxic-tattoo-ink-accumulates-in-lymph-nodes-cancer-risk.html
http://www.cnn.com/2017/10/02/health/tattoo-ink-lymphoma-study/index.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/behindtheheadlines/news/2017-09-14-tattoo-ink-particles-can-spread-into-lymph-nodes/
https://www.theguardian.com/sustainable-business/2016/sep/28/tattoo-ink-cancer-regulatio
https://thetruthaboutcancer.com/are-tattoos-safe-cancer-risk/
http://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/health/health-problems/experts-warn-of-link-between-tattoos-and-cancer/news-story/209ce743af56d20915067bb78714f4b6

Every little things gonna be alright

It's been a little while since I've written, so I felt like today was a good day to catch up. You've heard that old adage - no news is good news? Well, it's true! I am happy to report that absolutely nothing eventful has taken place in my life for some time now and it feels absolutely amazing. Of course I still deal with the daily after effects of breast cancer -  low self esteem, fatigue, and lymphedema, but those little creeps are going to be with me for the rest of my life, I guess, so I'd better get used to them and move on.

Fall is coming and I'm thankful! That means cooler weather and long sleeve blouses. Sweaters and layering are my best camouflaging tools. I'm still embarrassed by the girth of my upper arms (thanks, lymphedema) and finding tops that fit is a constant challenge. If I buy clothing a few sizes larger, the arms fit loosely and comfortably but makes me look like I've got room for a crowd elsewhere. So what's a girl to do? I guess buy a pattern, modify it, and get busy sewing...

Speaking of sewing, I made a new tablecloth for my formal dining room table yesterday. I have a large oval cherry table and it seems manufacturer's don't seem to think anyone has oval shaped tables any longer. I can find pre-made tablecloths in rectangular, square, and round shapes but not oval. It's frustrating but I'm thankful I know how to sew.

My energy level seems pretty consistent these days. I usually go strong from 7:00 a.m. until 3:00 p.m. and then my get up and go departs. I've learned to plan accordingly and when I have a big project, I get started on it early. I work hard until mid afternoon and then, when I feel the fatigue setting in, I stop. It's been hard to get used to but as I've set these healthy boundaries for myself, I'm able to feel better.

I've been working on my book for several months now. I never thought it would be so hard to process my thoughts and put them down in a cohesive order, but it has. I find I don't make time during the day to write much for myself. I'm always working on articles for the breast cancer magazine or working on book reviews for Christian companies. While I enjoy doing those things, I really need to focus on my own project now. I'd hoped to complete my book by December but now it looks like I'll be pushing into next year.

We've got several trips planned before the end of the year and I'm looking forward to those little getaways. It's amazing how rejuvenated I feel after returning from a small trip. Just being able to step out of my familiar surroundings into a different environment is very therapeutic.

It's strange not seeing a doctor every other month now. I'm finally on the six month regimen with my oncologist. While it's scary not having that constant safety net of periodic checkups, I'm enjoying feeling more normal. Hospitals, medical offices, and labs have been my world for the past three years. I feel like I've broken free from my ragged rope tether and I'm running freely through the world of good health...AND IT FEELS SO GOOD!

So, that's all that's happening in my world right now. What's happening in yours?

Fighting naturally, building my arsenal

After meeting with the Naturopath the other day at the cancer treatment center, I felt I'd been given a new arsenal of tools to fight cancer. Among the supplements I've already been using, he suggested I try a few more including Meriva 500, Indoplex, and Cortisol manager. Meriva is a supplement that helps modulate inflammation and provide anti-cancer support. Inodplex helps support healthy metabolism of the body's estrogen. The Cortisol manager will help regulate Cortisol in my body and hopefully provide some much needed, good quality sleep. The Doc suggested I purchase these from two companies I was unfamiliar with, Thorne and Integrative Therapeutics. Both of these are online companies but they also offer the products at the onsite pharmacy of the cancer treatment center. I'm excited about these new weapons and hope to begin implementing them into my arsenal later this month.

My kitchen cabinet is already lined with multiple bottles of natural supplements. Daily, I continue to take Vitamin D3, Turmeric/Curcurmin, Chlorophyll, Ashwaghanda, Fish oil, Vitamin B12, Calcium, Magnesium, and others. Sometimes it feels like I'm popping a supplement into my mouth every few minutes but I don't mind. I know I'm doing all I can to fight cancer in a more natural, healthy way.

I'm also continuing to drink mega doses of Matcha Green tea. I was glad both the Naturopath and the dietitian agreed this was the perfect thing to do. I'm glad Amazon sells large bags of organic Matcha and I can buy it in bulk. By taking all these supplements, I feel I'm being a responsible and active part of my health care regimen. It's a good thing to be proactive. I wonder how many other breast cancer patients/survivors realize the importance of stepping up and working with their medical team? So many seem to only want to follow doctor's orders without doing any research on what they've been advised, but I want to protect my body and make sure I'm getting the very best care possible.