Oh energy, where are you?

I used to have a lot of energy back in my BBC days (before breast cancer) but now, not so much. I'm finding my energy wanes around 4 p.m. each day and some days, before that. It's been a challenge to learn to adjust my schedule so I can accomplish the things I need or want to do before the energy runs out. Sometimes, I wish I had a gauge on my forehead. That way, I could look in the mirror and see how much fuel I had left. But if I did, I'd probably spend a good deal of my time running back and forth to check the meter and that would take precious time away from my doing.

Speaking of doing, I've come to the realization that I might be doing too much. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer, I've felt an urgency to do all the things I ever wanted to do. I have accomplished many of those things but there are still many items on my list to check off.

I was looking over my bucket list the other day and this year, I'll have checked off some of my major events. That's exciting but as I reviewed the minor events, I felt God whispering to my spirit, "You need to slow down, it's okay to rest."

Why do I struggle so with resting? Most people probably never have that problem, but I do. For some reason, I've always felt it a sin not to be busy but is being too busy a sin? I'm beginning to think it is.

I'm so thankful for my sweet husband. He enjoys the art of resting and has mastered it quite well! He helps me see sometimes that I'm doing too much and he'll gently point it out to me, telling me to stop for a while and just take it easy.

For a long time, I let what he said go in one ear and out the other thinking I'd complete my project and rest when I was done but as my body has grown physically more tired, I've started to listen more carefully to what he's been saying and I've started heeding his warnings.

I don't feel quite as bad about resting when I'm tired now. Jesus rested. In fact, Jesus even slept when he was tired. Remember when the disciples were in the boat on the stormy sea and Jesus was asleep in the back of the boat? I figure if he felt it was okay to rest when he was tired, then I need to be able to follow his example. If I don't do it, then I'm pushing my body beyond its physical capacity and that's not a good thing because I'll suffer for it later.

Most days, my back dictates what I can or can't do. I have degenerative disk disease, several bulging disks and a hemangioma on L5. I also have osteoporosis (thanks, Mom) and a few other residual issues from breast cancer surgery that contribute to my daily struggles with pain. In spite of all the physical issues, I try to keep moving, keep doing, and just keep being alive. I'm so grateful to still be here but the older I get, the more I long for home. I can't wait to get to heaven! At least there I'll be pain-free and I'm sure Jesus will make sure I rest when I need to.

Although it's only a few minutes before 2, I have accomplished a lot today already. My back is really bothering me so I'm probably going to lie on the floor a little (it seems to help to be on a very hard surface).

Truth be told, the back pain has started to increase lately and I'm a little worried. Cancer seems to choose to metastasize in the brain, lungs, spine, or blood. I'm hoping that's not the case for me. I don't ever want to go another round with cancer because I'm not so sure I'd win, but I won't go there right now. I'm just thankful to be alive.

Pain and more pain...physical therapy

After the bone scan revealed no evidence of a recurrence of cancer, my oncologist decided I needed to have physical therapy to help with my spinal pain. I was hesitant to even talk about physical therapy because I had no idea what they might do to me, but agreed to allow his nurse to go ahead and set up the appointments. Yesterday was my first visit to the spinal center.

When I arrived, I sat in the waiting room with a dozen other people. I noticed how hard the chairs were as I was waiting to be called back for therapy. If I'd been in charge of ordering the office furniture, I would have made sure to buy comfortable chairs, especially since most of the clients would be experiencing some level of pain as they waited, but that was just me.

A small section of the therapy room

I was called back and taken to a small cubicle with a draped curtain hung from runners in the ceiling. The curtains were wide open and I felt rather small sitting in the corner surrounded by all sorts of therapy equipment. Several staff members walked by and each of them smiled offering up a greeting as they passed. At least the therapists are friendly, that's a definite plus! A few minutes later, my personal therapist arrived and introduced himself. A tall man in his mid to late 50s stuck out his hand and said his name was Russ. He pulled up a rolling stool and sat inches away from me as he went over my history. A worried look crossed his face but he didn't say a word. I beat him to it and said, "Yeah, I've had a pretty rough couple of years." He smiled and told me he was about to say that very thing. After going through the list of medications, surgeries, etc., Russ asked me to put on a gown. He pulled the curtain closed and said he'd return shortly. As he was leaving, I asked if he wanted me to remove EVERYTHING, and he said you can leave on your bra and everything from the waist down. I asked if he was sure...I said, "I mean, I have no boobs so I need to know if you want me to remove my bra and prostheses too." He paused and said, "No, that's okay. Leave them on."

As he approached the curtained wall to my area, Russ said, "Knock, knock." I gave him permission to enter and he instructed me to lie face down on an exam table. I told him it might be a little difficult since I hadn't been on my stomach in some time. He went to grab a couple of pillows to help make me more comfortable and I was glad he did. With the pillows tucked firmly under my chest, I was able to lie on the table without much difficulty. Russ explained what he was about to do. I felt his large fingers unhooking my bra and knew he must be a little embarrassed so I offered up a joke. He laughed and breathed a sign of relief. He began to give me a very firm back massage. I didn't realize how badly my back was hurting until he started working on it. His hands were very strong and I don't know if it was just me or if he was massaging my back a little harder than he ought to be, but it was painful and I cried out. He asked if he was hurting me and I explained there were several areas that were more sensitive than others. He apologized and said he'd be more careful but if I needed him to lighten up just to let him know. I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I allowed him to continue. He couldn't see the tears in my eyes as he was working and I didn't complain. After the deep tissue massage was complete, the therapist explained he was about to begin a process called "cupping." I had no idea what cupping really was although I'd seen it in a movie. I wondered why the spinal center would use a treatment commonly practiced in China. I hoped this guy wasn't into a lot of mumbo jumbo. I needed real relief for my spinal pain and my insurance company wasn't going to pay for some off the wall treatments.

Slowly and deliberately Russ placed small glass cups on my back suctioning them in place. He instructed me to just lie quietly and after about 15 minutes, I felt him removing the cups. My back was really tender and he said I'd probably notice some redness or bruising in the next 24 hours. He followed the cupping session with spinal manipulation, rolling, and pinching. I had never suffered so much physical pain with my back before and wondering what in the heck I'd gotten myself into! I had come to be relieved of back pain not have it exacerbated. I was instructed to get dressed after Russ had applied a good layer of BioFreeze to my back. He said that would help with the discomfort. Watch a video of cupping here.

The cupping set he recommended

When I was dressed and ready, Russ showed me the cupping set and asked if I thought my husband would be willing to do it to me. He said I needed to have it done every 3 days. I asked what the purpose of it was and he explained the suction and negative pressure provided by cupping can loosen muscles, encourage blood flow, and sedate the nervous system (which makes it an excellent treatment for high blood pressure). I assured him I'd ask my husband if he'd mind doing this at home and felt sure my husband would be willing to agree to help. Russ told me I could find an inexpensive set on Amazon.

On the way home, I noticed my back was very uncomfortable. Just leaning against the seat of the car was challenging. I couldn't wait to look at my back in my bathroom mirror. I was sure it was red and angry looking.

My back after one cupping session
(don't pay attention to the tattoo!)

My back continued to hurt more and more as the evening wore on. When it came time for bed, I was nervous about laying down. As I did, the pain was unbearable and I needed to prop myself up on pillows to get comfortable and take a pain pill.

Today, I continue to have back pain. I feel like I've been in a really bad fight and I lost! I'm hoping a hot bath will help and maybe I can get my husband to apply a little more BioFreeze to numb the pain. I'm not so sure I want to go back for therapy next week. If it's going to hurt this bad, I'd rather just deal with my regular back pain.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

I wasn't expecting this

Today I went for my three month check up with the oncologist. I arrived promptly at 9:00 a.m. I always like to arrive a little early for my appointments and since mine was at 9:30 a.m. I relaxed and read a few articles in the waiting room. While sitting there, I glanced up now and then to see other patients arrive. There were some evidently in the middle of treatment as their bald heads announced to everyone in the room. There was a woman who could barely sit in a chair because of pain she was having in her leg and another in a wheelchair, doted on by loving children. I almost felt guilty being there and feeling as good as I did but I was thankful to be in my position.

Several minutes passed and I heard my name being called. The medical assistant stood in the doorway waiting for me to join her as we sauntered down the hall toward the scale. I was smiling to myself knowing I was 5 pounds lighter without my prostheses on today. I'd weighed this morning with and without them to see exactly how much they weighed. I decided not to wear them so Dr. F wouldn't fuss at me for gaining 5 pounds. It's the small things that matter. After being weighed, I was taken to the lab for blood work. The phlebotomist and I had a nice little chat as she was trying desperately to find a good vein in my left hand. Lymphedema makes it difficult for me to have blood work done and I always have to remind the techs to use a butterfly needle and use my left hand. You'd think by now they'd have notated on my chart these specific instructions, but they don't. After talking with the tech about summer vacations, family and holiday plans, my blood had been drawn and I was about to be escorted to my exam room .

I entered the room and instantly my arms were covered in goosebumps. The room felt like a meat locker, it was so cold! The nurse began to take my vitals and I had to remind her not to put the blood pressure cuff on the upper portion of my arm, once again, you'd think they'd know this...When she was done, she left me alone in the room. As she exited, she smiled and said, "The doctor will be with you in a few minutes." I wanted to reply, "Yeah, right...like that's gonna happen!" but I didn't. I knew it would be a while before Dr. F came in. He's always late. I sat in the room for a long time and began to think I'd been forgotten. Forty five minutes later, I hear a tap at the door.

Dr. F enters and asks me how I'm feeling. I can tell by his demeanor he's behind in his schedule and he's trying to play catch up. This frustrates me and I want to tell him I've waited long enough and he can at least give me the courtesy of sitting and listening patiently while I talk, but I don't. He asks me what my main concerns are today and I hear the underlying, "Hurry up and tell me what you want me to do so I can go on to my next patient" so I comply. I tell him my main concerns are my fatigue, back and hip pain. I tell him I had an MRI done a few months ago and a PET scan and tell him the results of those tests. He excuses himself from the room and tells me he wants to go look at those tests for a minute. He's gone for a lot longer than a minute...in fact, he's gone 15 minutes. I looked at my watch, so I know. He comes back in and tells me all he could find was tests that were done last year. I explain those are the only ones I've had done but it seemed like just a few months ago because I've had so many tests and I can't keep up with all the dates. He smiles and says, "We need to do a bone scan then. I don't want to let anything slip." I wasn't expecting to hear that and thought he meant a bone density scan so I pipped up and said, "I had one of those done ten years ago." He tells me he isn't talking about a bone density scan and I get very quiet. Now I know he's looking for evidence of minute lurking cancer cells. He gives me a gown and tells me to undress. I obey and he's back in the room in a few minutes to do a mini exam. He listens to my lungs and heart, palpates my chest and underarms then he's done. He says, "I'll see you again in 3 months. If the bone scan is normal, I'll send you to an orthopedic to help get your pain under control. If not, we'll deal with that then." He tells me goodbye and walks out the door. That was that. And I'm standing there wanting a do over.

I walk up to the check out desk and the girl asks my name. I tell her and she types it into the computer. She says, "He wants you to have a complete body bone scan." I smile and say, "Yes." She gets on the phone and calls the hospital to schedule it. She listens intently as the person on the other end gives her instructions to pass on to me. I'll have to arrive at 2 p.m. next Friday and receive an injection. Then I'll return later that same day to have the scan performed. It will take about 30 minutes to an hour. Next she schedules my 3 month appointment. When we're all done, I head out of the office and to my car.

In the parking lot, I sit for a few minutes letting my air conditioner cool the car. I'm bewildered. I hadn't been expecting a bone scan. I didn't really know what I had been expecting other than to have had a chance to be heard. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so. I wish I were more aggressive sometimes. I wonder how much longer I'll be on this every 3 month schedule with the oncologist. I feel like I should be done with all this cancer stuff by now but it never seems to end.

On another note...
Sometime this week, I'll be in our local paper. I was interviewed by a news reporter the other day regarding my cancer story. I was honored to talk with her about my journey and humbled when she asked if I'd mind having my story featured on the front page. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I'm nothing special. I'm just one of the millions of women fighting the good fight, but if my story can give hope to someone out there, I'll be happy. Hopefully I'll sleep well tonight. There are no doctors visits to dread tomorrow and thankfully none on the calendar for another month. Life is good and I'm so glad to still be here. Oh, and by the way...the lumps I mentioned in my last post, he thinks they were just swollen lymph nodes, yay!

©bonnie annis all rights reserved