Journey Out of Pink

 Since the endoscopy, my insides feel like they've been all jacked up. I can't eat normal sized meals any longer and when I do eat, I have to chew things into tiny little bits before swallowing. The food seems to sit right at the junction of my esophagus and the top of my stomach. It's a nasty feeling and I don't like it.  My gastroenterologist prescribed some medication to help until we hear back from the biopsy reports. Apparently, he took biopsies along my esophagus wall and from my stomach. With my history of breast cancer and my brother's history of esophageal cancer, to say I'm scared is an understatement. I'm trying not to think about the possibility of a recurrence, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't.  I don't know what I'd do if the report comes back with evidence of cancer. I guess I'll face that bridge when and if I have to cross it. 

For some reason today, I've been in an introspective mood. Maybe it's because of the peaceful instrumental music playing on my stereo, or perhaps the delicious steaming cup of raspberry hibiscus tea. It could be the fact that my wedding anniversary is just around the corner. Whatever the cause, as I was in the kitchen this morning unloading dishes, a thought came to mind - "I don't want to miss it." Miss what, I asked myself. And as I thought, I realized I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering if maybe I missed something. I don't want to overlook the good things God puts in my path. I don't want to take anything for granted. I want to experience joy in the little things.  I've lived a good life, these past 64 1/2 years. Sure, there have been some difficult seasons and I've had to fight hard to overcome them, but I'm still here. That tells me God still has a plan for my life and my number isn't up until He says so.  Heal

 It's amazing the bodily functions we take for granted until we don't have them. I never thought anything about being able to swallow until I couldn't. It's scary when food gets stuck going down your throat. I don't ever want to go through that again.  I wasn't expecting to have my esophagus stretched when I went in for the endoscopy, but that's exactly what they did. After I woke up from the anesthesia, it felt like someone had taken a broomstick wrapped with sandpaper and scrubbed my innards - not a good feeling.  Not being able to talk wasn't fun either. Thankfully, that only lasted a day. Now I can talk and hopefully, I'll be able to eat a full meal. I haven't tried anything solid since the procedure, but my sweet hubby brought home Chinese food tonight and I sure do want some. We will see.  The older I get, the more I realize my body is wearing out. Things no longer work the way they used to and I don't like it. But what can we do? It

For months I've had trouble swallowing. It started in December and got progressively worse. After several visits to the ER, urgent care, and to the ENT, we thought we'd found a solution. The ENT treated me for a salivary stone, then, after more tests, said I had an auto immune disorder. One frustration let to another as I endured test after test. The last one, a modified barium swallow study, revealed the problem wasn't only in my salivary glands, but also in my esophagus.  I'd had an upper endoscopy done earlier in the year for severe acid reflux and a hiatal hernia, so I was surprised they wanted to do another, but the swallowing was getting more and more difficult. I wasn't being able to eat normal meals. After a few bites, I felt full and would blow up like a balloon from bloating. I knew something was extremely wrong.  There had been a follow-up endoscopy scheduled for October, but I knew I couldn't wait that long, so I went into the portal and asked to be

This morning, while on the phone with my youngest daughter, I decided I'd get a headstart on dinner. During the summer, I like to make use of my crockpot because it's too hot to stand over the stove and cook. As I was digging through our big chest freezer, I pulled out a package of ground beef. Noticing the date on it, September 2021, I asked if she thought it would still be good. I could tell by the silence on the other end of the phone she was busy Googling an answer. A few minutes later, she responded, "If the meat has been kept at zero or below, it will be fine. What temperature is your freezer set to?" I had no idea. She then asked me to look for the thermostat. Assuming it would be near the top back of the freezer, or along one of the sides, I began moving things around. All of a sudden, I had an avalanche of cold meats falling on my head! I picked them up as quickly as possible and put them all back into place on the top shelf, the shelf I'd designated for

 Some days you have to laugh! Especially when the annual email reminders keep coming in telling me to schedule my mammogram. I have nothing to mam! I have called several times and notified the doctor’s office that they can stop sending me these reminders. When they ask why, I remind them I’ve had both breast removed but to no avail. The reminders continue to come.   I don’t know when they’ll ever get it. In the past, I would be offended when these would come, but now, I can’t do anything but laugh. I guess it’s a good thing I’ve developed a sense of humor over the years along with a thick hide. It would be so easy to take offense, or wounded and hurt. But what good would that do? It wouldn’t change a thing. Oh well, I guess I’ll continue to get these for the rest of my life. Hopefully one day, they’ll figure it out. By then, it will be too late, lol!

Today started out with a visit to my primary care physician. For some reason, before I left the house, I became extremely nervous. I don't know why, but lately, I find myself experiencing anxiety in various situations. It's not something I enjoy and though I do my best to talk myself out of it, sometimes I can't. The doctor at the cancer treatment center tells me it's post cancer PTSD. That makes sense. If I think back, I can't remember being extremely overwhelmed in crowds or reacting adversely to loud, unexpected noises - all symptoms of PTSD.  I haven't driven much lately and that makes me nervous, too. Usually my husband drives me everywhere. It's nice having a personal chauffer, especially on the days when my arms are swollen with fluid from lymphedema, which is always worse in the summer, but I made it there safely by praying and listening to Christian radio.  When I arrived, there weren't too many people in the waiting room. I was thankful. Everyo

  Tomorrow is my 8th cancerversary. You'd think I'd be overwhelmed with joy today and extremely excited about reaching this important milestone and you'd be right. I am, truly, but I'm also overwhelmed with grief. I still long for the me I lost, the me who was self-confident and self-assured, the one who existed long before cancer came knocking at my door. And though I feel conflicted today, I beat myself up for feeling this way.  Why is it so easy to look back on life and be reminded of all the nasty, horrible, awful things that occurred or remember the bad choices we made? Why isn't it as easy to be filled with gratitude? It seems it takes more effort to count my blessings than to count my regrets.  Today, my youngest daughter sent me a link to this song, Box of Regrets by Mega. I'd never heard it before but wasn't surprised at how it pricked my soul. My youngest knows me well, almost too well. And while she doesn't know all the terrible, awful I'v

Today is Wednesday but it sure feels like a Monday in my book. I haven't been sleeping well and it has really affected my mental abilities.  Earlier in the year, after a sleep study test, the doctor determined I have sleep apnea. He said I stop breathing an average of 8 times an hour. I always wondered why I'd wake with a start several times during the night and asked him about it. He said when you stop breathing your brain jolts you awake to make you start breathing again. I found that both scary and interesting.  I was prescribed a CPAP machine and began using it right away. Using a CPAP is a complicated process. First of all, you have to be fitted for a mask. There are so many types of masks, and it took a while to find one that I felt I could deal with.  The first mask wasn't really a mask but what they call a nasal pillow. It was a small cushiony thing that had two holes in it that were to match up with your nostrils. It seemed to work well for a few nights and then, i

Happy Saturday! Today would have been my Daddy's 90th birthday. It's so hard to believe he's been gone for 11 years now. I sure miss him. He used to always tease and say he was almost a firecracker. He loved the fourth of July and would always shoot off black cats and M80s. Mama was always afraid he was going to blow his hand off because he'd wait until the last minute to throw the firecracker. He loved to put them in tin cans too to hear the loud bang. He would laugh and laugh. Of course, we only got to hold sparklers, but it was so fun to see his boyish excitement over something so simple.  He'd always stop at roadside stands a few weeks before the holiday to buy fireworks. His parents used to live in Griffin GA which was a little mill town. No one there made more than probably 10,000 a year if that, so little luxuries meant everything.  On the fourth of July, we'd usually fire up a little charcoal grill in the backyard and cook hotdogs and hamburgers. It was