Lessons in patience

Our Sunday School lesson this month revolves around the book of Genesis. We've been studying how God taught Noah patience as he waits with his family and all the animals on the ark. I'd never really thought about Noah's patience until we dug in a little deeper. 

Can you imagine being locked inside an ark full of rowdy animals for over a year? Can you imagine wondering why you weren't hearing God's voice during that time, especially when you'd followed His instructions implicitly in building an ark when no one had ever even heard of rain? The Bible never tells us God spoke to Noah while he was on the ark but surely, we assumed He had. 

Noah was found to righteous and obedient by God. Why wouldn't he have conversed with him daily, giving him encouragement or instruction about his future? We don't know. We're not God and we can't understand how He works. But I imagine, in his frail human state, Noah had to have gotten a little impatient now and then. I mean, who wouldn't have? I know I would have! 

If I'd been shut up on the ark for that length of time, I'd have been climbing the walls wondering when God was going to get me out of there. I'd have probably had a panic attack thinking I was never going to get out. I'm a bit of a control freak. I would never have done well closed up in an ark, or any space for even a few days, let alone over a year! 

Well, that's one of my biggest downfalls. I stink at waiting. I guess that's why, after 66 years of life, God is still working on me in that area. 

I don't know when I developed the sin of impatience, but somewhere along the way, I did, and it's stuck with me. If someone ever wanted to torture me, all they'd have to do is make me wait and wait and wait. I'd go mad in the process. 

But I can say, I've learned a few things over the past years ago how God can grow us in the waiting season. Over and over again, He's used periods of waiting to teach me to rely on Him, to trust in Him, and to depend on Him for every tiny detail. I can't say I like it, but I have grown during those times, and it's helped me be a little less impatient than I've been in the past. 

I wish I could say I don't have that problem with waiting anymore, but I'd be lying if I said that. I'm a work in progress and I imagine I will be until the day God calls me home. 

I can just imagine, when I get to heaven and stand outside the pearly gates, I'll be tapping my foot thinking, "What's taking so long??? Hurry up and let me in, for Pete's sake!"  And God will probably look my way and smile thinking, "There she is, the one I created. She still has much to learn." 

I'm in the midst of an important season of waiting right now. It's driving me crazy being unable to control my situation, but that's just the way it is. I'm praying for God to help me behave properly. I won't dare pray for patience, because when you do, He usually sends trials to emphasize our lack of patience. 

If you've ever been in a season of waiting, I empathize with you. And when you're waiting for something, you're really excited about, it's even harder, isn't it? But sometimes, we have to wait for God's best and when we trust Him, He always gives us abundantly more than we could ever ask or dream. 

Patience is definitely not a virtue I possess, but I'm working on it. One day, maybe things will change, but I won't guarantee it. 

When can I quit cancer?

When can I quit cancer? I ask myself that question several times a day. I'm tired of it. For over 9 years I've been dealing with cancer and cancer related items. To say I'm over it would be an understatement. 

Yesterday, I spent 4 hours at the cancer treatment center. I'd gone for a "check up." They had me come in for lab work and then I'd had to wait around for an hour so the results could be review by the doctor. Then, I had to wait even longer to see the doc. 

When she finally came into the room, I thought, she's going to spend extra time with me since she was over an hour late for my appointment. I don't know where I came up with that idea because it certainly wasn't reality. I don't even think she was in the room with me for 5 minutes! 

After looking at my labs and telling me my sodium was low, she quickly looked back at the ultrasound report from my last visit and asked about the enlarged lymph node in my neck they'd scanned. I told her it was still there. 

She came over and began to mash around on my neck then went back to her desk and said, "We'll get a CT on that area." When she said it, my mind naturally went to a bad place - did she think the cancer had returned? I didn't get a chance to ask her because she was already heading out the door. Apparently, she'd been overbooked that day and had many more patients to see. I left feeling frustrated and angry. 

I snuck this photo in the waiting room

I realize the importance of continual screening and annual oncology appointments are the best way of staying on top of any possible issues, but it sure is getting old.

When the doctor was looking over my labs, I did ask what my tumor marker numbers were. In the past, with my other oncologists, they've always told me my numbers. Dr. S, my new onco, looked at my funny and said, "Oh, we don't normally do those when you've had surgery to remove the cancer." WHAT??? I must have looked at her quizzically because she repeated the statement. That's when I told her, with my family history of all sorts of nasty cancers - lung cancer, esophageal cancer, brain cancer, etc. that I needed to know what my tumor markers were and I expected to have that test run regularly. Thankfully, she heard me because she turned to her scribe and said, "We'll make a note to run the tumor markers at your next visit." Dang. 

I toyed with the idea of going back to my other oncologist. At least he gave me the time of day and seemed to be truly interested in my health. This new onco seems overworked and uninterested. It's not a good way to do business, especially in the medical field. 

There are many things I liked about the cancer treatment center and many things I do not. I like that everything is contained in one location - all the imaging, chemotherapy, radiation, labs, etc. are in the same huge building. I don't like the fact that this hospital is a regional one and since it is one of 5 facilities nationwide, there are a LOT of patients. 

Cancer is a lucrative business, that's for sure, but when the patients suffer because of the business side of it, change needs to happen. 

Maybe patients need to start filling out those after visit questionnaires a little more truthfully. I sure do. If they ask how pleased I was with the service I received, I tell them like it is. When they ask how long I had to wait before seeing the doctor, I'm not sugar coating it and when they ask if I'd recommend others to the facility, I don't hem and haw. I state my reasons, both pro and con. I feel like they asked for it, so they're gonna get it. 

Rant over. In a nutshell, cancer sucks and I want out.

 

Silly Me

I've been wanting to put a fresh coat of paint on our front door for months, so I texted hubby the other day and asked him to stop by Lowe's and pick up a gallon of exterior paint for me. I'd done my research and had picked out a durable, weatherproof paint. I picked out the color and took a screenshot. I wanted to make sure he got the exact paint I wanted, and he did. He knows, after being married to me for almost 30 years, if there's something I decide to do, I'm going to do it no matter what. And so, this morning, I set out to paint. 

There was prep work to be done first. I taped down plastic to keep paint off the floor then gathered all my painting supplies, paint tray, rollers, brushes, stir stick, and of course paint. Then, I dragged the step ladder onto the front porch because I'm short and knew there was no way I'd reach the top of the door without it. I wasn't prepared for the cold weather. It was only 54 degrees outside and actually, this was the warmest day we'd had so far, but it was cold to me. I don't do cold. So, I came back inside, slipped on a polar fleece jacket and headed back out front. 

After opening the can of paint and stirring it well, I was ready to put on a thin first coat. Climbing up onto the step ladder, I prayed for God to protect me so I wouldn't fall. I knew there was no one around to help if I did and even though I had my trusty cell phone nearby, if I fell and knocked myself out, who would tell Siri to call 911? Thankfully, I didn't have to worry. I was very careful and managed to get the first coat on although my hands were freezing, and I was more than ready to come in after completing that task. 

While the paint was drying, and yes, it was going to take longer than normal because of the chilly weather, I had lunch and watched a movie on Netflix. I felt a little guilty for taking a "me" break, but figured I deserved it after all my hard work. 

Now it's time to lay down the second coat. The temperature has dropped a couple of degrees, but we've got snow coming in this weekend and I need to get another coat on today and one more tomorrow, so I'll have to brave the cold now or wait til Spring thaw to get it done. I'm impatient so that won't happen. 

Silly me! If I'd thought about it, I would have waited to paint in the Spring when the weather was nice and warm, and the paint would dry quickly but I didn't. I guess I'm still in full blown post cancer mode where I think I have to do everything with urgency just in case. One of these days, I'll manage to get past that, but for now, it is what it is. 

I'm thankful I'm still alive and I can do the things I want to do when I want to do them. Those little things mean a lot to me and even though others may think I'm just plain ridiculous, that's okay. I'm me and I'm happy about that. 

When the door is dry and I've hung my pretty wreath out front, our home will look warm and inviting. We may decide to stay here a while longer or maybe not. That remains to be seen! Until we decide, I'll be busy with little projects but hopefully, I'll give the next one a little more thought before beginning.