An introspective mood

For some reason today, I've been in an introspective mood. Maybe it's because of the peaceful instrumental music playing on my stereo, or perhaps the delicious steaming cup of raspberry hibiscus tea. It could be the fact that my wedding anniversary is just around the corner. Whatever the cause, as I was in the kitchen this morning unloading dishes, a thought came to mind - "I don't want to miss it." Miss what, I asked myself. And as I thought, I realized I don't want to go through the rest of my life wondering if maybe I missed something. I don't want to overlook the good things God puts in my path. I don't want to take anything for granted. I want to experience joy in the little things. 

I've lived a good life, these past 64 1/2 years. Sure, there have been some difficult seasons and I've had to fight hard to overcome them, but I'm still here. That tells me God still has a plan for my life and my number isn't up until He says so. 

Health issues always seem to knock me down a few pegs and this year, I've been knocked down a lot. It seems Satan knows exactly when and where to launch his missiles of attack. They always catch me off guard, but I don't take it lying down. I always remind myself I'm "more than a conquer through Him that loves me." 

In my China cabinet, I have several tiny treasures to remind me of special moments - dried flowers, my sweet husband picked from a roadside field, a Brazil nut that reminds me of my father, and several bird feathers that remind me of my mother. Those little things mean more to me than a pile of gold. And that's why I don't want to miss a single thing in these next years of life. 

Toward the end of the year, I'll hit a milestone birthday. I'm already trying to decipher Social Security information and it's making me crazy. 

Life seems to be flying by and I'm on the downhill slide. So, in the days ahead, I'm going to make a special point of staying present. I'm not going to let electronics steal my focus. 

I'll stand in awe at the sunrise. I'll take as long as necessary to capture the beauty of a butterfly. I'll listen well and love much. 

I don't want to miss a single solitary thing. I hope you won't either. 

Berry picking thoughts

When the sun came out and the rain stayed away, I made a decision. Today I would go berry picking.

The past few days, we've had heavy rain. I'd planned to go picking but knew the ground would be too soggy so I stayed home.

Gathering up my bottled water, keys, purse, and phone, I headed out the door knowing my trusty GPS would guide me. I'd only braved this trip alone once before.

I was surprised to see about ten cars already parked on the gravel lot outside the farm entrance. I assumed there would only be one or two cars at most since yesterday was a complete washout.

Making my way up to the check in desk, I was greeted by a young girl. She wanted to know if I was there to pick strawberries or blueberries. I told her both.

She handed me two baskets and pointed me in the direction of the open rows. I decided to wander down the strawberry rows first since I knew it was the end of the season and there wouldn't be many berries to pick.

The rows were rain soaked and muddy. I wished I'd worn my old sneakers instead of my new ones. Doing my best to dodge the puddles, I bent over to check the strawberry mounds. The first few I checked had no berries, so I made my way further down the row hoping no one else had gleaned the fruit there.

The sun was beginning to rise and I felt the heat on my back. At the end of the field, I found a few berries. Most of them were overripe and mushy. The others were under ripe. Yellow jackets hovered near damaged fruit and I made a point to veer away from them. I didn't need a sting.

After picking half a basket of subpar berries, I decided to shift my focus to blueberries. I knew they'd be abundant and quick to pick.

Heading over to the blueberry bushes, I meandered to a shady part of the row. A neighboring dog barked loudly and startled me. Thankfully, he was behind a tall fence.

Turning my attention back to the bushes, I noticed they were weighed down with fruit. Beautiful, lush blue berries clung tightly to the branches. Among them were scattered dots of light purple, unripe berries and tiny pale green baby berries. The contrasting color was so stunning. I stopped to take a few photos. 

A cluster of berries caught my attention and I moved to pluck them one by one. Dropping them into my basket, I continued picking a few at a time until I realized the berries were so ripe, I could grasp a handful and pull gently allowing them to drop steadily into my basket. Soon I found myself thinking about friends and life in general.

Every berry I picked reminded me of how my friends were slowly disappearing. One by one, they were finding themselves facing a recurrence of cancer and then, days, weeks, or months later, they'd pass away. It seemed so unfair.

I wanted to keep my friends in a tight little cluster, healthy and whole instead, they were ripening and falling - ripening to the devastation of cancer, slowly and surely.

It was hard not to cry as I worked my way down the rows, picking, and sorting the berries. I wished there was something I could do to help my friends.

Each of them was in a different stage of decline. Most of them were waiting for test results that would determine their fate. None of them had a positive perspective. My heart hurt.

With my basket full of berries, I didn't want to leave the farm. There was such solace there and although there were other people picking, none were near me. I felt alone.

Finding my way to the shade of a large pin oak, I lucked up to find some empty wrought iron lawn chairs. I almost sat down for a spell, I was hot and tired, but noticed a large red bull in a pen adjacent from the tree.

The bull and I locked eyes. As he lifted his head from chewing, I spoke to him. "Hey buddy, how ya' doin'?" He listened attentively for a few minutes and then went back to munching on grass. I stood watching him for a minutes wondering how such a large animal could survive on grass.

A bluebird flew out of his nesting box and startled me. The distractions of nature kept my mind busy and pushed the depressing thoughts about my friends' health to the back of my mind.

I wished I didn't have a heart of empathy. It would be so much easier. But I do. And I'm invested. I love my friends. I want them to live.

I left the farm with 8 pounds of blueberries. I was tired and hot and smelly, but it was a good day. I enjoyed the solitude among the berries. It's always good to take time to process your thoughts, even if it's hard to do at times.

What's it all about, Alfie?

Have you ever started a day with a song running through your mind? I have this happen to me a good bit and often, the songs come very early in the morning. This morning, it was 4:30 a.m. Not a popular time for most people to be awake and not particularly a time when people think about singing, but there it was...first a gentle whisper and then growing louder and louder. 

The name of the song was "What's it all about, Alfie." The song became popular in the late 60s and I remember hearing it often on the radio as I'd get ready for school. The tune was pleasant and thought provoking. Dionne Warwick did a splendid job of singing the song written by Burt Bacharach. 

Back then, I didn't grasp the meaning of the words as I listened to the song. If I'd realized the depth of it then, I'm sure I would have liked it even more than I did at the time. 

The older I get, the more melancholy I've become. Maybe it's because I'm realizing there are more years behind me than ahead of me. Maybe it's because I've finally realized how very precious life is - I have breast cancer to thank for that. In my B.C. days (before cancer) I took a lot for granted. 

Burt's song this morning, reminded me that without love we just exist. The Bible tells us that love is the most important thing of all. We're to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength - that's the first commandment, but then, we're also supposed to love others as ourselves. Sometimes that can be a tall order especially when people aren't quite as lovable as we'd like them to be. 

Wouldn't it be wonderful if everyone in the world could grasp the concept that love is really all it takes to make the world go 'round? 

Well, I just realized I'm really dating myself with these song references but that's okay. I'm getting old and I have the white hair to prove it! 

What's it all about? None of us really understand but if we can focus on learning to love and love well, I think we're halfway there. 

I sure hope I don't wake up at the crack of dawn in the morning with another song in my head. If I do, I'd like to pick something with a little less depth - maybe Harvest Moon by Neil Young. Now that's a song I could wake up to every morning!

If you're not familiar with Burt Bacharach's song, here are the lyrics. You can listen to Dionne Warwick singing it here. 

What's it all about, Alfie?
Is it just for the moment we live?
What's it all about when you sort it out, Alfie?
Are we meant to take more than we give
Or are we meant to be kind?
And if only fools are kind, Alfie,
Then I guess it's wise to be cruel.
And if life belongs only to the strong, Alfie,
What will you lend on an old golden rule?
As sure as I believe there's a heaven above, Alfie,
I know there's something much more,
Something even non-believers can believe in.
I believe in love, Alfie.
Without true love we just exist, Alfie.
Until you find the love you've missed you're nothing, Alfie.
When you walk let your heart lead the way
And you'll find love any day, Alfie, Alfie.

Journaling the Journey

How can a six letter word wreck your life in a heartbeat? You might not think it could, but I assure you it can. When I heard the word CANCER, my life, as I knew it, was turned upside down and inside out. I knew from that point forward nothing would ever be the same. It’s been 984 days since I received my initial diagnosis and it still feels like it was yesterday.

I can still feel –

…the crispness of the white paper underneath my legs while sitting on the exam table

…the weakness in my knees as I walked out to my car

…the wetness of tears staining my cheeks as I cried all the way home

…the tremor in my voice as I shared the news with my husband

…the icy cold gel poured onto my breast as the ultrasound tech prepared to test

…the horror at seeing the mass on the screen

…the sharp needle piercing my skin as the first biopsy was taken

…the excruciating pain radiating across my chest after surgery

…the uncomfortable pulling from dangling drainage bulbs at my side

…the shock and disbelief as I looked at my mutilated body in the mirror

And over those 984 days, I’ve experienced more than I ever dreamed I would. I’ve seen and felt more than I can say. It seems like another lifetime ago but it will only be 3 short years this June since I heard the dreaded words, you have cancer. Some of my feelings and experiences are very fresh in my mind and others I’ve carefully tucked away. Some too private and painful to share but others I think might be helpful to those newly diagnosed and that’s one reason I’m so thankful I began recording my journey on the day my life changed.

It started out as a way to process my feelings. I needed a safe place to share my thoughts, a place where I wouldn’t be judged or criticized. I started writing daily in journals but soon that became tedious. I wanted a more creative outlet so I began blogging. It was much easier to sit at the computer and type up my thoughts. I could add photos, media, and tags to my posts. If I wanted to share them I could. If I didn’t, I could mark them as private.

After the first couple of weeks, writing on my blog became cathartic. I realized, when I was blogging, it was like talking to an old friend. I looked forward to recording my thoughts and feelings.  At the end of the first year, I read back through my posts. I was amazed at the rollercoaster of emotions my life had traveled. I’d had so many bad days but the good days seemed to have outweighed the bad. I tried to be open and honest in my writing. I wanted my children to read through my posts one day and understand how I’d learned to deal with the hand cancer dealt me. I wanted them to know the reality of my pain but also the joy of my triumphs.  

I made a point to chronicle my treatments and used my cell phone to document tests, take photos of facilities and medical professionals. I always made sure to ask permission before taking photos of doctors or nurses and made sure they were okay with me posting the photos on my blog. I didn’t meet any resistance, in fact, all of medical team wanted to be included in my online journey! I was grateful for their willingness to participate and laughed as they made sure I captured their best side in the photos.

Keeping a record of my cancer journey was extremely important to me. I never thought it would be anything other than an online place for my personal notes and a place for my family to check for the latest updates on my medical care but, I’ve found it to be much more. I’ve recently been contacted by people from several countries asking for help or advice with their cancer care. They’ve read articles I’ve posted about various things I’ve experienced or alternative therapies I’ve tried and they’ve reached out. It’s blessed me to know things I’ve struggled with on my journey have helped others.

Journaling, blogging, and even video blogging (vlogging) have become very popular among the cancer community. Some find it a helpful way to keep records of surgery and treatment while others use it as a means of keeping friends and family updated. The breast cancer community is wonderful about sharing helpful tips and advice with the newly diagnosed. By keeping records of our journeys we not only help ourselves but help others.

Sharing personal information in an online format isn’t for everyone. Some people don’t want to share such private things with others and that’s understandable. For those not wishing to share, perhaps keeping notes in a personal diary or journal would work best for you. For those who find blogging a creative outlet, as I did, there are many websites hosting free web pages. For those more skilled at social media, or those who enjoy keeping a video diary of their journey, there are also places to post free vlogs on the internet.

Everyone has their own way of coping with a cancer diagnosis. Journaling may not appeal to you. But I needed to blog. It was very helpful to me. I continue blogging about my journey today. When I was first diagnosed, my blog was http://journeyintopink.blogspot.com/ and as I began to move out of the treatment phase of my journey and back into life, I moved my blog to another site http://journeyintopink.blogspot.com/  At the end of each year, since beginning my blog, I’ve had my blogs printed into hardback books (offered as a service to bloggers from another online site). These books are now a permanent record for my children and grandchildren. It is my hope, that one day, they’ll take the time to read every entry and realize cancer was the most difficult time of my life, but also the one that taught me the most. 984 days, and I’m still here.  Tomorrow will be 985!

Random thoughts

My hubby, Phil

Tomorrow is my husband's 62nd birthday. That means he'll be filling out the forms for Social Security, too. I'm looking forward to celebrating his special day but more importantly focusing more intently on our future together. We're planning to do a good bit of traveling and we've both been looking forward to it. As every day passes, I realize we're getting older. The aches and pains in our bodies scream it so loudly now we can't ignore it. But 60ish isn't really that old...if we were in our 90s, I could say we were really getting there and that's my hope...that one day we'll be able to reach our 90s and we'll still be happily married and alive! Being alive is much better than being dead or so they say...but is it really? Sometimes, I think I'd rather be dead. At least then, I'd be in the presence of the Lord. I wouldn't have any more aches or pains. I would never have to worry about the cancer coming back again. I would have no problems whatsoever! I'm not one to wish my life away though so I'll continue to live in the present day and focus on the moment at hand. I'm just so grateful to still be here because two years ago, I wasn't so sure that would be the case.

The year seems to be flying! The older you get, the faster they go. My grandmother always said that. When I was a kid, I never paid much attention to her but she was telling the truth. I feel like I blink and it's a new month. The holidays will soon be here and gone. Time never stands still. That's one reason I love photography so much...I can actually freeze time. I can save little moments of life forever. It's extremely rewarding and enjoyable. I haven't been shooting for several months though. It's been too hot outside to do anything, so I stay indoors. The heat isn't good for the swelling in my arms.

Speaking of arms, I've packed up the compression pump the insurance company sent for my Lymphedema. It wasn't doing a darn thing except stealing an hour of my time and making me look like the robot on Lost in Space...DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!!! Nothing is helping much. The compression sleeves are too hot and don't address the swelling in my chest area so I've got to talk with the breast surgeon once again when I go for my checkup next month. She's probably going to recommend some type of chest compression garment. We'll see. The most frustrating thing about my surgery has been the Lymphedema. I don't mind the long, horizontal scar at all. It doesn't hurt and if that was all I had to deal with it would be a piece of cake but this darn swelling is the pits! I can't tell you how frustrating it is and how much I wish I didn't have to deal with it. But how can I complain? I know God allowed it. I think of Paul and the thorn in his flesh given him to buffet him...some scholars say it was speech impediment, some say it was his short stature and physically weak body...no matter, it was something that frustrated him on a daily basis, moment by moment, reminding him of his dependence on God and I am TRYING to look at Lymphedema in the same light but it's difficult. And I still have the clothing challenges. There is nothing I can find to camouflage the HUGE size of my arms except shirts in size JUMBO or with butterfly sleeves, dolman sleeves, or those very out of style caftans we used to wear in the 70s.

I have a family reunion to attend this weekend and I'm not even looking forward to it. I don't want to sound shallow but I really don't relish people gawking at me. I'm trying to decide whether to wear my boobs or not...if I wear them I'll be extremely hot. If I don't, all the young ones will be looking at me and questioning their parents as to why that lady doesn't have any boobs. Decisions. And why do I care anyway? Why do I care what they think? Why do I care about making them uncomfortable about my breastlessness? Do I put my comfort on the back burner so I can look acceptable in public? Yes...pretty much and it sucks.

If you've read this far, you probably realize I'm in a weird mood today and you're right. I'm not depressed, hurt, angry, or moody I'm just being real. These are the thoughts that pop into my head and I just felt like sharing them today. I'm really doing okay. I'm staying focused and I'm living my life. I'm taking one moment at a time and I'm working hard to be honest with myself. I think I'm in a good place.

I had a good day today. I decided to turn off my cell phone for the majority of the day. (I've been suffering from a little sensory overload lately.) I've also spent a lot less time on the computer unless I've been writing for the cancer magazine. I made a carrot cake from scratch for my love's birthday tomorrow, I did the laundry and dishes. I fertilized my plants. I blew off the drive and walkway. I watched a show I DVR'd. I made myself a salad. I read some poetry and wrote this blog post. Those little mundane things meant a lot to me because they tell me life is good and I'm still around to write these random thoughts and that's just as it should be...just because.