Don't look back

 

It takes a lot of strength to walk away from something without looking back, believe me, I know. This is a lesson I've learned the hard way. The fixer in me always wants to make things right and that has caused me to often look back on people, places, and circumstances. 

In some instances, a brief look back was necessary to help me move forward, but in the majority of the cases, looking back only caused feelings of sadness, depression, or regret. And that's not a good thing. 

I was watching a made for TV movie series the other day. In one particular scene, a criminal is working hard to prepare a bomb. As he works to connect various wires and things to a complicated apparatus, the camera pans out revealing the dangerous explosive is being placed inside an innocuous looking suitcase. Later, as the show moves ahead, we see the criminal placing the bomb laden suitcase in a very public place, just at the corner of a building. As he walks away, he tucks a remote control into his pocket and as an evil smile crosses his face. Viewers can only imagine what comes next. Inevitably, a well-timed explosion will occur. Lives will be changed in a split second. Some will likely die, and others will suffer bodily injury. But will the perpetrator look back to witness the damage? The camera doesn't reveal those details. 

As I watched the show, I became engrossed. Sitting on the edge of my seat, biting my nails, I watched as one person and then another passed by the suitcase. None of the passersby paid attention to the abandoned luggage, and then, the screen goes into a tight shot. A small hand reaches down for the handle of the case just as the remote-control timer's numbers light up in red and we see the countdown begin, 03, 02, 01....

The next scene shows a crumpled little body amid a large pile of bricks and debris. Without having seen the event, one knows what happened. An evil intent had led to a malicious act which had, in turn, caused unnecessary, but permanent damage. It was nasty, heart wrenching stuff. 

Those kinds of show make for good entertainment, but in real life, it's a very different scenario. 

As I thought about the plot, I was reminded about a quotation popular artist, Mary Englebreit, once said, "Don't look back. You're not going that way." Wise words with intrinsic value. 

Another writer, Paul penned something more detailed in the book of Philippians of the Holy Bible. In chapter 3, verses 13- 14, he says: "Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." He was reminding us the importance of remembering not only who we are and where we were going, but whose we are and why we are on the journey in the first place. 

It's easy to want to look back at devastating life events wondering why they happened and if there might have been anything we could have done to have prevented them but looking back on past events can't change them. It can only bring heartbreak and wondering. So why do we do it? 

There's an old saying, "Curiosity killed the cat." Not put that saying in context with the bomb incident I mentioned before and you'll get a clear picture. 

Often, God allows difficult and challenging things into our lives as part of His most excellent, perfect plan. Though we can't see or understand the entire picture at the time of the event, He knows exactly what is necessary to bring about the desired effects He chooses. 

Perhaps He will use a life altering event to help change our current course, moving us forward onto a better path. Though we may not understand, we must trust His Sovereignty. 

In almost 65 years of life, I've learned the importance of choosing not to look back. The lessons haven't always been easily learned. In the past, when I've glanced backward, I've often had to dodge a sharp piece of shrapnel, one of God's gentle reminders that I needed to leave well enough alone, to let bygones be bygones. When I've been obedient to walk away from dangerous or volatile situations, His hand of protection has covered me and guided me forward. When I've refused to heed His command and have chosen my own way, I've often been burned and have had to learn a very difficult lesson the hard way. 

I guess that's why He never gave us eyes in the backs of our heads. If He had, we'd constantly be looking backward! I'm thankful for His constant hedge of protection in my life. I hope you'll choose to keep your eyes forward, too. That way, you won't be tempted to glance back. Just remember, you aren't going that way. 

Everything happens for a reason

I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and everything that happens is ultimately part of God's perfect plan for my life. Of course, some things that happen happen because of choices we make and some things happen because of choices we did not make but each choice, whether wrong or right, takes us down a path that God has allowed. Sometimes He allows the path to be used as a teaching tool. Sometimes we learn the lesson and sometimes we do not but, if we remember, each thing that touches our life has to first come through the mighty hand of God, then each thing should be received as a gift. I choose to look at life this way although there are many who do not agree with my perspective. 

For some time now, I've been feeling like I needed to make a change in my medical care. Earlier this week, I took the first step in that process and started the ball rolling. I contacted Cancer Treatment Centers of America because I felt I deserved better care than I was getting from my current oncologist. I could have stayed with my current doctor. I've been his patient for the past three years but something in my gut was telling me it was time to make a change and I've learned to listen to my gut (actually, the prompting of the Holy Spirit is more accurate terminology) because when I listen, I always reap the benefits of making a wise decision. 

Today, I spent an hour on the phone with my nurse navigator. CTCA (Cancer Treatment Centers of America) assigns each patient their very own nurse to help them navigate through all the testing, paperwork, questions, etc. throughout the time they are under the care of any medical staff at their facility. My nurse navigator's name is Crystal. She was extremely nice and very professional. We went over my medical records which included medications, tests, reports, surgeries, and personal history. As I went over each item with her, it was as if I were back at the beginning of my breast cancer journey. I was surprised at all the emotions that came creeping up as we talked. There were several times in our conversation that I had to fight back tears and as I did so, I began to experience a little doubt. I wondered if I was doing the right thing leaving the oncologist, breast surgeon and radiation oncologist that had taken care of me for the past three years. They'd been good to me but if I had to rate them on a scale of 1-10, I'd give the oncologist a 2, my radiation oncologist a 4 and my breast surgeon a 9. 

I wondered as we wrapped up the conversation how my medical team would feel when the folks at CTCA contacted them for all my medical reports. Would they feel betrayed? Would they wonder why I was leaving? Would they even care? I'm sure patients leave practices all the time under normal circumstances but I was abnormal. Cancer makes you abnormal. And even as much as I'd like to be normal again, I'm glad I'm not. 

My nurse navigator said I'd more than likely have a bone scan as soon as I start treatment there next week. I've been having a lot of pain in my thoracic spine around the T7 and T8 vertebrae. She said they'd probably want to repeat a chest ultrasound too. When I mentioned my desire to continue my natural health care regimen, she told me she needed to speak transparently with me. I knew what she was going to say before she said it. She said since my cancer was fed by Estrogen and Progesterone, the doctors at the center would more than likely put me back on adjuvant therapy. That means oral chemotherapy and that also means it will probably be one of the three drugs I've already tried - Arimidex, Aromasin, and Tamoxifen. I mentioned the bad experience I'd had with each of them and she assured me the doctors would manage any side effects with other medications or they may even put me in a clinical trial. When asked if I would be okay with that, I answered in the affirmative. 

Truth be told, I'm nervous about what the future holds. The fear of recurrence is always in the back of my mind. I talked to the nurse about the insomnia and anxiety I've been experiencing and she made a note of it in my chart. Over the next couple of days, my new medical team will meet to discuss my case. On Tuesday, when I go in for my physical assessment, they'll have even more information to review. Wednesday, there will be more testing and I'll meet my new oncologist on Saturday. Yes, Saturday! At CTCA doctors work on the weekends and it's not an abnormal thing. 

CTCA believes in integrated treatment. They have a naturopath, a spiritual advisor, a nutritional counselor, a mental health advisor, and of course, the medical team which includes the oncologist, nurses, therapists, etc. 

I'm a wee bit anxious about what comes next but I'm doing my best to trust God and leave everything else up to Him. I can't control any of it anyway, so why worry about it, right? So, we'll see what happens and where all this goes. Right now the path is dark and unclear. I feel like it's a winding path through a dense, brush filled forest. I'm standing at the head of the path looking down through a tunnel of overgrowth. There are thorns and thistles on both sides of the path and the road is rocky underfoot. I've taken the first step by deciding to leave my present team, now I need to be ready to move forward when the time comes. Next week, it will be time to venture a little further on the path. If you care to follow me on my journey, check back often for updates. I'm sure there will be many. 

The willow which bends to the tempest,
often escapes better than the oak which resists it;
and so in great calamities,
it sometimes happens that light and frivolous spirits
recover their elasticity and presence of mind sooner
than those of a loftier character.
- Albert Schweitzer