One cuppa, that's all it took!

My stars, am I tired! This day has been so busy and to think, it started with one small cup of coffee. 

I don't know what it is, but caffeine gives me so much energy I shouldn't ever drink it. When I do, it's like I'm a 78 record spinning faster and faster on the turntable (yeh, I'm that old!) 

I didn't realize how tired I was until I sat down to post and now that I'm seated, my body is saying, "What the heck is wrong with you???!"
After making breakfast and having that cuppa this morning, I kicked it into overdrive. I mopped the floor, did a load of laundry and dishes, baked 3 loaves of bread, made Valentine's day cards, painted a canvas, took care of some business matters - scheduling doctors' appointments, checking on vacation plans, message some friends, wrote to my prisoners (I'm part of a prison ministry), took some photos, read my Bible and a devotional book, and as soon as I sat down to take a breather, a friend called and kept me on the phone for over an hour. 

When I looked at the clock, I realized my only goal on this cold, winter's day was to rest and read. Did that happen? No! I have so many books in my TBR pile (to be read) that I want to knock out this year and I'm finding that it's more difficult to do leisure reading than just about anything because I just don't sit still long enough to do it. 

Hubby tells me all the time that we're getting old and we can't keep pushing ourselves like I've done today, but ever since I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, something inside my brain changed. Every day when I get up it's like I have to use up every minute of the day. Maybe I'm afraid to relax for fear of missing out on doing something I feel I need to do, I don't know. All I know is it's exhausting. 

My word for the year is surrender. (I used an app through Dayspring that helps you find your focus word each year.) When I got that word, I was like, "Really, Lord? Haven't I dealt with this in the past?" But I guess I haven't because everywhere I turn lately, I'm being reminded of the need to be still. Being still has always been hard for me. I don't know why unless I'm an undiagnosed person with ADD or ADHD. In either case, this is something I need to address this year because I've noticed I go pretty hard from 6:00 AM til about 4:00 PM and then I peter out. 

I guess the word surrender was perfect for me. But why is it so hard to do that? Why do I have work at surrendering? 

When I think of the word surrender, I think of old cowboy and indian movies. In those shoot 'em ups, when a group surrendered, they'd raise a white flag to indicate defeat or submission. I guess I'm still in the process of kicking against the goad, as the Bible says. I need help. 

Lord, please help me realize I don't always have to be going or doing. Please help me learn to surrender. Please show me how to do it and slow me down so I can actually find time in the day to enjoy myself. 

My husband has no problem at all sitting and watching something on TV. He never stresses or worries. On the other hand, I'm completely the opposite. I guess that's why God matched us up. My husband helps ground me. He encourages me to take breaks but he never demands it. He sees when I start to grow weary and reminds me it's time to quit whatever I'm doing and just be still, but I rarely listen. I push myself so hard until sometimes I get so stressed out I end the day in tears. 

I've found tears to be a wonderful emotional release. I don't like to cry but sometimes I do, especially when I'm overtired. 

And that's why I write so much. Writing is cathartic for me. It helps me process my emotions and feelings. It also helps me unwind and whether you believe it or not, it helps me relax. 

In my mind, I'm throwing up a white flag right now. I'm physically exhausted and mentally drained. So I'm going to go make myself a cup of tea (decaf!) and get my book. I'll plop down in the recliner and do my best to chill at least for one hour. Setting small goals may help me learn to rest for longer periods of time. 

Speaking of rest, I don't sleep well at night either. My brain never shuts off. That's why I have to take prescription medication to fight insomnia. This has been going on for the past 11 years. It's not something I enjoy admitting, but it's the truth. Oh woe is me...I need to learn to surrender. Indeed I do. 

I did take a few minutes to enjoy watching a flock of Red-winged blackbirds in our backyard earlier. While I stood at the window watching them look for food, I marveled at their quick movements. They were working hard and staying busy, just like me, but they were doing what they were designed to do - feast and fly. I love seeing them each winter, that flash of red on their wings as they fly excites me. I also love how they flock in large groups but as they fly away, I know sooner or later they'll land and rest. They'll do it because God wired them that way. I need to take a lesson from them and do the same. I know I'm not wired to go 90 mph all the time. Staying in the fast lane is tough, no it's ridiculous. If I don't take time to slow down, I'm going to burn out and the burn won't be slow. That scares me.