Unity in the body of Christ

This afternoon, members of our church gathered together to extend the love of 
Christ to one of our sweet friends. Our meeting time was 2:30 p.m. We arrived a little before then.

As we exited our car, we quietly walked up the driveway. We weren't sure exactly how to proceed and were looking for the pastor. As we stood in the yard waiting, one by one other members of the church pulled up. We greeted each other and shifted to make room for more and more friends to arrive. Within fifteen minutes or so, about thirty people had gathered.  

Before we began, I noticed Mrs. Anderson had come out of the house and was standing in front of their covered carport. She looked frail but what a warrior. As she stood in her bright yellow shirt, she greeted one person after another as we patiently went up to her offering our support and love. 

The pastor entered the center of the group and explained today's gathering - an informal prayer walk. We were to spend time in prayer walking the property of Mr. and Mrs. Anderson's home. The pastor explained we could take our time, pray as we felt led, and leave when we were through. Members of the group began to spread out around the grounds. Before Phil and I moved from the driveway, I saw Mrs. Anderson standing alone, so I went up to her. Before I had a chance to speak to her, she extended her hand and spoke to me. "You're Denise's friend, aren't you?" I nodded and she said, "She showed me the sweet prayer you'd written for me several days ago, thank you." I was dumbfounded. While I remembered writing out a prayer and sharing it with my friend, I couldn't, for the life of me, remember what I'd written. 

I asked Mrs. Anderson if she minded us praying over her. At that time, Phil, Denise, and her husband, Gary, had joined me. She said she didn't mind at all so we began to pray. I led the prayer and Gary closed. It was a beautiful, sweet time of fellowship. 

After our intimate prayer time, Phil and I walked to the only open spot - the middle of the front yard, and began to pray more earnestly for Mr. and Mrs. Anderson's health. Since they both have cancer, we asked God to be merciful to them and if it was His will, that He might heal their bodies and extend their lives, just like He did for King Hezekiah in the Bible. But if it wasn't His will to heal them on this side of heaven, we knew He'd heal them on the other side of glory. 

Pancreatic cancer kills quickly. I lost a very dear friend to it a couple of years ago. It was so sad to watch his body decline, but even in the midst of his treatments, his faith was strong and he fought hard. The same thing with my brother after his cancer diagnosis. 

Oh, how I hate cancer. It's so hard to understand why some people survive and others don't. Sometimes I feel so guilty being a survivor. It's hard to explain to someone who's never experienced cancer before, but survivor's guilt is real. 

I'm so thankful our church is a unified body of believers. It's hard to find churches who follow Biblical principles these days. The Bible commands us to bear one another's burdens and the people at Unity Baptist certainly know how to do that. 

We were honored to participate today and hope Mr. and Mrs. Anderson felt our love. May God's peace comfort them in the days ahead and may He be merciful to them as they continue to fight the good fight. 
 

The faithful prayers of the righteous

It's early on this chilly winter morning and as I sit in my living room thinking about what lies ahead, I am in awe. This is the Lord's day, a new day he has created for us to enjoy. I will choose to rejoice and be glad in it!

As I was checking my emails this morning, I got a notification from a friend. I had recently sent her a card and she responded to thank me but also in her message told me she had recently been diagnosed with a severe disorder. While sad to hear it, I took a few minutes to pray for her and then shot off a quick email reminding her not to become discouraged or disappointed because God still loves her. I think it's so important for us to stand with our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ and one of the best ways we can do that is to offer the gift of encouragement.

This afternoon, after church, our Sunday school class is going to do a prayer walk. There is a dear lady in our church who has pancreatic cancer. She was given the diagnosis recently of being stage four. When she was given that diagnosis, she did not want to believe it as most of us wouldn't, so she sought a second opinion. The second opinion confirmed the first diagnosis and she was given more information - only 6 months to live. Can you imagine hearing that news? I know if I heard that news, I would spend every minute of every day trying to do everything possible before God called me home. One of the main things I would want to do is to make sure all of my loved ones had accepted Christ as their Savior.

I don't know how many people will show up for the prayer walk but I pray that the majority of our church will. Since it's so cold outside, and a lot of our members are older, there may not be many but we know the Bible says wherever two or three are gathered in My Name, there I am in the midst of them. God will be with us as we quietly march around her property praying for a miracle.

A lot of people don't believe that God is still in the business of doing miracles, but I am living proof that He still does. Almost 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. My odds of living this long were not very good. In fact, I was only given the hope that I might make it 5 years past diagnosis. Every single day, I thank God for allowing me to continue to live my life. I'm so grateful to him and want to always honor him in all I say and do.

Our time on this Earth is so brief. Many days we take things for granted and I believe that is because we are human. We are frail and weak. Through trials, God often allows them as teaching tools to help us grow. And while suffering is extremely difficult, when we can look at it as a purposeful tool, we can thank God even for the difficult times.

Please remember Mrs Anderson in your prayers today. We will be circling her property at 2:30 this afternoon. She doesn't know we're going to do this. Pray that God will hear and answer our prayers. Just like King Hezekiah prayed to extend his life, we're going to ask God to extend Mrs Anderson's life.

Mr. Anderson also has cancer. He was diagnosed before his wife and his just completed his treatments. She has been caring for him all this time and now she has this dreadful diagnosis.

Oh, Lord, help us not take a single minute of a single day for granted. We know our days are numbered and our times are in your hands. Please help us to be thankful each day. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Something wicked this way comes

We're in for another round of stormy weather. Hopefully this one will pass without much damage. During the last round, on Tuesday, we were blessed to have only strong winds, heavy rain, and lots of thunder and lightning. 

This area is in the center of tornado alley and since we've lived here, we've only had a few come fairly close to our home. Two were minor storms. One was an EF4. Every time bad weather is expected, we pray asking God for a hedge of protection around our home. Some may think it silly to pray that way, but we know God cares about all things that pertain to us. We've seen over and over again His hand of protection shield us from danger. 

The beautiful Sea of Galilee

It seems the weather has grown more erratic over the past few years with more intense storms and temperature fluctuations. These are signs of the last days as spoken of in the Bible. But aren't we thankful, even in the midst of storms, God is present? He controls the wind and the waves. 

Sometimes I wonder how I would have reacted if I'd been in the boat with Jesus on the Sea of Galilee when the winds began to whip and the rain began to pour. Would I have freaked out as the disciples did as Jesus rested peacefully in the back of the boat? In my flesh, I imagine I would have. I'm sure as the boated rocked back and forth, the disciples were afraid the boat would fill with water or capsize. Naturally, they wondered how Jesus could sleep through all that, but He did! And He did because He had nothing to worry about. 

At times, I think Jesus allowed the storm to test the disciples' faith. Could He have purposefully planned it? I believe He could have. 

When Jesus was awakened by the disciples, as they exhibited their fear, He chides them on their lack of faith before speaking to the wind and telling it to be still. Instantly, as the storm stopped raging, the disciples were in awe. "Who is this, that the wind and the waves obey Him?" they asked each other. While they new Him as their friend, their rabbi, and their mentor, I wonder if they truly understood He was God in the flesh. That day, they probably got a huge wake up call. 

This was the type boat we sailed in on the sea. 

In 2018, when we were in Israel, our group was scheduled to spend a day on the Sea of Galilee. We'd booked a tour boat and were looking forward to the day our time on the sea came. We'd driven by the Sea of Galilee several times that week, before our scheduled boat ride. Each time we'd passed, the sea (which is actually a very large lake surrounded by mountainous terrain) was peaceful and calm. But one day, as we drove past on our way to our scheduled touring agenda, the sea was tumultuous. Our guide explained that storms in that area could be quite powerful and whip up suddenly. We were surprised to see whitecaps on the normally calm sea, but we were also thankful because it helped us understand the Scripture that talked about the disciples being in the boat with Jesus on that stormy day. 

Our boat ride had to be rescheduled as that storm raged. While we were sad that happened, we knew it was for the best. Thankfully, a few days later, we enjoyed the most peaceful and awe-inspiring trip across the sea. It was a highlight of our trip and one I'll never forget. 

Standing in the bow of the boat, I thought about Jesus. 

Sometimes, Jesus allows storms in our lives as teaching tools. I've faced many of those myself. Other times, He uses them to draw people closer to Himself. Today, as the storms move in, let's pray that those around us would be safe and also that they'd know God is always in control. Nothing ever takes Him by surprise. That should bring us great peace. 

I took this photo from the boat looking toward the mountains. 

Israel is a beautiful place. If you've never been, I hope one day you'll have the opportunity to go. I promise, it will change your life forever. Seeing the Bible come to life in front of your eyes is amazing. And, while there, you'll definitely have some Jesus encounters like I did. There were several places I could feel His presence so strongly I had to look around to make sure He wasn't standing right next to me. One of those places was on the Sea of Galilee, another was on the Gospel Trail. 

Jesus has promised never to leave or forsake us, so even if we can't feel Him near, He's there. Don't forget that! And as the stormy weather nears, know He's in complete control. Don't fear. Let your heart trust In Him. 

 

We found a house!

They say the third time is the charm and that was definitely the case in our house hunting ventures. After viewing two others, we finally found the perfect home. 

The first home was a much older home but had been completely remodeled and looked wonderful inside. We loved it but the yard was the killer. It was large and very wooded. There were many trees that would need to be taken down immediately. While it was in a beautiful rural setting, we wouldn't have been able to deal with the lawn care and maintenance as we grew older. With much chagrin, we backed out of that one fast. 

The second home had apparently been a rental and had been abused. Outside it looked great. Inside, not so much. There was a lot of damage to the floors and other areas. It would take a lot of work to get it in shape and the house right across the street looked like a hoarder's home, so we told our agent that one was a definite no. 

We were looking for a home in a quiet and safe neighborhood. We needed a home without steps, so we won't have to worry about that as we grow older. 

On our way to see house number 2, which we had set up with our realtor, I saw this one out of the corner of my eye and wondered if we might be able to see it after seeing house #2. Surely, there was a home out there for us!

Our agent got on the phone and after several attempts to contact the seller and the builder, was able to get through to one of them and get permission for us to view the home. 

As soon as we walked inside, we knew. This was the house God had for us! The builder was the same one as the one who'd built our previous home and that tickled us! How funny, that 10 years after purchasing our first home in Newnan, we'd find another by the same builder in exactly what we wanted. God works in mysterious ways! 

We toured the home and decided to put a contract on it the same day. Our agent got busy writing up the contract, we delivered our earnest money, and we'll do the walk through on Friday! Everything is moving so fast but we're thankful. 

Next, we have the details of terminating our lease at our current place of residence, packing up again, hiring movers, and then, we'll have to buy some appliances and get utilities connected. 

It's daunting and stressful, but we're trusting God for each step of the journey. He's never failed us and we know He won't now. 

This new chapter in our lives is certainly taking us through some changes and challenges, but we know God works all things together for our good. He's such a loving and gracious Father! We are truly blessed!
 

House hunting

Yesterday we met with our real estate agent to view a home we were considering buying. Online, it looked like the perfect fit. We were excited to go see it, especially since it was situated in a rural part of our county.

Standing outside the home, it didn’t look like anything special. It was an older home that had been recently remodeled. Though plain, we hoped for the best. We knew from the online description it would be a smaller home and that was okay with us. Since the kids were all grown and gone, we didn’t need much space.

As we entered, our agent explained all the upgrades and recent remodeling efforts the owner had made. We were impressed with all of the amenities. They were beautiful! It looked like Joanna Gaines had come and done the house herself in the typical Magnolia style.

At only 1200 square feet, the home was very small, and we realized there wouldn’t be much storage. We didn’t know if we’d be able to fit our king size bedroom set in the tiny 12 x 12 master. But the house was cute. It felt cozy and warm.

We stood in the little living room talking with our agent. Both my husband and I were unsure if this was the perfect house for our forever home. He’d recently retired. We were pushing 70 and the yard was big. It would require a lot of physical work to keep it up. We noticed several large pine trees that would need to be taken down right away otherwise they might fall on the house. We tried to weigh the pros and cons as we listened to our agent talk.

We should have taken time to walk away and discuss our thoughts alone, but my husband and I would have been overheard anywhere in that little house. Trying to read each other’s body language was hard. Finally, I asked my husband point blank – “What do you think? Is this the home for us? Do you like it?” He was hard of hearing, so I wasn’t sure how much he’d heard as he nodded his head and smiled. Frustrated and unsure, I waited for his answer as the agent continued to give us details on what the owner was offering.

After about twenty or thirty minutes, I looked at my husband and said, “Should we go ahead and put a contract on the house?” He said we should. As I turned to the agent to give her the go ahead, I felt conflicted. I loved the inside of the home, even though it was small, but was worried about the yard. I’d seen my husband’s physical strength decline a good bit over the past few years and was very unsure about his abilities to cut down and haul off trees, cut the grass down by the street which had some deep drainage ditches, and get on a ladder to clean out gutters.

Standing outside the house, as we prepared to leave, I asked him again if he was sure this was the house we wanted. He said he liked it again, so the agent contacted the seller. The ball was rolling.

After saying our goodbyes, we headed back to our rental home. On the way, we discussed the house we’d just seen. We were on the same page about many of the qualities of the home but as we talked, I could hear concern in his voice too about the yard.

When we reached the rental house, we went inside and over dinner discussed the home we’d visited again. We loved the rural setting – seeing pastureland right outside the front door was so appealing. We loved hearing the lowing of the cows as we stood outside the home and talked with the agent. We also loved all the upgrades that had been made, but we both were concerned about the large trees that were in evident decay. They were so close to the house and there were a lot of them. They’d need to be taken down very quickly.

The more we talked, the more we realized we’d jumped the gun in our decision. I shot a quick text to our agent telling her we’d changed our mind and tacked on a lengthy apology. Before she had time to respond, I asked my husband to call and explain our decision to her. I wanted her to know how he felt.

She was gracious and honored our request to cancel proceedings on buying the home. While I’m sure she has these types of things happen all the time in her business, I was embarrassed and upset. I didn’t like making a fool of myself in front of others, especially someone I considered a friend.

I beat myself up most of the night. We should have told the agent we’d come home and think about the house before giving her our decision instead of making a rash one as we stood in the living room that day. I wouldn’t blame her if she decided not to keep us as clients.

That house, though completely remodeled on the inside, still had many flaws on the outside. It reminded me how Satan often baits us with seemingly innocent temptations to get us to do things against God’s will.

Today, since I have a clearer view of the situation, I can see our decision was a wise one. We would have regretted moving into such a small home with a huge yard. In my mind’s eye, I pictured us ten years from now. There’s no way we would have been able to maintain that property. Sure, we could hire someone, but that would eat into our meager income. Living on Social Security alone would be challenging. We’d be watching every penny.

So now we wait and pray. We are trusting God to provide the perfect home for us. We have no idea where it will be and we aren’t sure our agent will want to continue representing us, but we hope she will.

It’s hard to adult. Most times, we make decisions by stepping out in faith. But sometimes, I wish we had our parents around to bounce things off of. Their wisdom was priceless. Now that we don’t have that, we have to trust ourselves and lean hard on God.

I’m thankful our agent is a sister in Christ. She’s a kind hearted soul and is very understanding but even so, I’m sure she had to do a lot of back peddling to stop that ball we started rolling. I hate that we put her through that.

The next home we visit, we’re going to take a few days to think about unless we’re absolutely positively sure it’s the one for us.

House hunting is no fun. It can be an overwhelming and daunting task. I wish there was some sort of machine you could enter criteria into and have it spit out the perfect home at the perfect price, but there isn’t. All we can do is use the filters on Zillow, Trulia, and Redfin to see if we can find something that is close to what we want. And of course, our agent will be searching her MLS listings for us, too. (We hope! If she still wants to work with us…)

Please pray for us in the days ahead. We need the Lord’s guidance.

Stormy Tuesday

I woke up really early this morning to the sounds of thunder and lightning. It was storming outside. The weatherman had predicted we were going to have some very heavy rain and possible flooding. Taking a peek outside the window, I could see through flashes of lightning, ominous clouds hanging overhead. hey reminded me of another terrible storm we had here in Newnan.

in 2021, an EF 4 tornado struck our city and did tremendous damage. Many homes lost their roofs and nearly every building at Newnan High School sustained damage. In their initial survey, the NWS noted that widespread wind damage corresponding with winds of 111mph or higher was found. We were blessed. Our home only suffered minor damage, though many trees fell at that time.

I hate living in Tornado Alley. It's so scary when the weather turns tumultuous. We usually have these types of storms in Spring and early Summer, but lately the weather is unpredictable year round. 

It seems the weather is changing drastically each year that passes.The Bible said it'd be that way during the end times. I pray this year isn't filled with devastating tornadoes and hurricanes. So many suffer during those times. 

A small sample of the damage

Another blessed year of life

The first week of 2024 has come and gone. I meant to start writing this year's blog on the first day of the new year, but that didn't happen. You know what they say about good intentions...

This year seems to have started off with a great sense of urgency. Not only have I grown older, but I've also become wiser. I'm realizing there are more days behind me than ahead of me and I'd better get busy doing the things I want to do. 

I've checked in on many friends diagnosed the same year I was. Some of them are still around while others have gone on to glory. It's a sad thing to realize our personal choices in treatment options most likely contributed to our current state of health, but it's true. Those who chose conventional rounds of chemotherapy and radiation haven't fared as well as those who chose a more natural route. It makes me extremely sad to know, had they considered different options, they might still be around. But when you're in the thick of things, choices are often made under duress. 

I've decided, after almost 10 years of survivorship, that cancer will no longer dominate my life. Yes, it will still be part of it since I'll be making annual visits to the City of Hope for checkups, but I won't be allowing thoughts of a possible recurrence to dictate my days. In fact, I'm purposing in my heart to push all thoughts of cancer aside and have a great year. 

This year seems to be a year of big changes. Phil has retired and I'm getting used to the routine of having him home 24 hours a day. It's definitely an adjustment but it's also been nice, too. We can come and go as we please and it's nice to have a constant companion on outings. 

Later this month, we'll take our first cruise together. It will be exciting and scary at the same time. He's always wanted to go on a cruise. Me, not so much. Hopefully, it will be a great trip and I won't get seasick. We'll be heading toward a warmer climate which will be wonderful considering the chilly weather we've been experiencing here. 

Also, in the next few months, we'll be moving again. We've got our real estate agent looking for our perfect forever home. 

The yard at the old house was huge and hilly making it difficult for us to keep up with the yardwork as we grew older. Also, climbing up on a ladder to clean out gutters was becoming more of a challenge for Phil as he was pushing 70 and his knees were giving him problems. Yes, we could have hired someone to do the work but felt it was time to find a smaller home, and sale prices were at an all-time high, so we caved. We made a nice profit and now we're on to greener pastures. 

God has been so good to us and we know He has many blessings ahead. We can't wait to see how those unfold. We pray you have a very happy, healthy, and prosperous New Year. 

Hopefully, I'll do better at keeping my blog up to date this year. One of my resolutions is to do that! 

The Best Christmas Gift I May Never Receive

 Last night, my husband asked what I wanted for Christmas. To say he's a last minute Charlie would be an understatement. I've been waiting and waiting for an indicator that he's been thinking about something special for me, but I know he hasn't. In the past, he's gone out on Christmas Eve trying to find that special something but has come home discouraged. So this year, I'm going to tell him what I really want and it's something I don't think he could ever give me. 

I've thought about it long and hard. The gift that would mean the most to me isn't a tangible gift but it is a life long gift and one I'd treasure forever. What I really want for Christmas is for the post cancer PTSD and anxiety I suffer to completely disappear. 

I never thought I'd suffer with either one, but for the past few years, it seems to be getting worse. Loud noises startle me, sudden movements freak me out. I get anxious in public venues and have found myself longing for the safety and security of my home. 

I first began to experience anxiety after surgery to remove the breast cancer. I didn't seek medical help but realize now, I should have. 

When my sleep became affected, I talked with my primary care physician who prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. He did offer a stern warning -the medication, he said, is a controlled substance. That frightened me, but the doctor assured me, if I took it only at night before bed, I should be okay. 

The medicine has definitely helped with sleep but there is a draw back. Since it's a controlled substance, I have to report in to my doc every three months. It's required by law, so I do it. 

Oh how I wish I'd find a magic gift under my tree this year! I wish I'd find a stocking filled with perpetual peace and tranquility. Attached to the gift, I'd love to find a note stating I'll never be overcome with fear or worry again, especially relating to a recurrence of cancer. 

There's a place in my chest, just above the initial location of the breast cancer. Whenever my clothing brushes against it, or my fingers touch it as I'm bathing, I wince in pain. It's so tender. I don't want to think it might be another growing tumor, but I can't help it. 

I've had so many scans over the past few years, surely they couldn't have missed anything important, could they? I'd like to think not, but the fear in me says it's possible. 

My husband doesn't know what I'd truly like to receive this year for Christmas and I won't tell him. I know it would break his heart knowing he couldn't fulfill my wish. 

So instead of hoping for something I'll never receive, I've decided to do the next best thing. I've decided to settle for today. I think I can manage to get through one day without being overcome with feelings of anxiety over future what ifs. 

And I prefer to concentrate on giving rather than receiving anyway. I have all the material possessions I could ever need. But if I could find a way to get what I really want for Christmas, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Who wouldn't want a life free of fear, anxiety, and worry? Those three emotions can steal a person's joy so fast. 

I'm glad my husband loves me enough to want to give me a special gift. It means a lot to know he wants to please me, so I'll try to think of a close second and give him the suggestion tonight after dinner. I've always wanted to learn to play guitar, maybe guitar lessons would be a constructive way of managing stress. And if I learn to play well enough, I could use the music to soothe my savage soul. And if not, I guess I could torture a few of the neighborhood cats with my instrumental failures. 

Thank goodness Christmas only comes once a year. Trying to think of the perfect gift is hard especially when the gift is for me. Maybe I'll just tell him to surprise me and see what he comes up with. Yes, I think that might be the best option instead of waiting for the gift I want but won't receive.

Christmas Blues

 It's 8 days until Christmas and I'm feeling a little blue. This year won't be a traditional Christmas for me. I don't like it when my normal routine is disturbed and this year, it's already started out weird. 

I love Christmas and having all of my children and grandchildren around, but that hasn't happened for years now. Since my kids are all grown and have families of their own, they make plans that don't always include us. It makes me sad. I guess I'm stuck in the Walton world. 

If only things could be the way I'd like them to be! I'd have a beautiful, snowy Christmas morning and after a quick breakfast, I'd hear a knock at the door. I'd open it and one of my children would be there - hugs, smiles, and laughter would ensue. As we'd usher in each family group, the house would be filled with chatter. It would feel cozy and warm. My heart would swell with excitement. I'd need no other gift than the gift of presence - their presence, which I am already missing this year. 

My middle daughter came to celebrate an early Christmas with us yesterday and while it was nice, it was odd. It was too quiet and quick. I felt lonely and disappointed when they left and wanted a do over, but I won't get it. 

I won't get to see my oldest son at all this year. He and his family will gather at their house and have their own celebration. I miss them so much and wish we could see them, but am trying my best to understand I have to let go. 

My oldest daughter lives in Texas. It's too far for them to come home to be with us. We'll probably get a FaceTime call sometime on Christmas day, but it's not the same. I miss them, too. 

I do have a consolation prize, however. My youngest daughter will join us for Christmas this year. At least I'll have one of my kiddos with us on the actual day and that will help things feel a little more normal, but it'll still be different. 

I guess I should be happy I'll have one child with me. There are so many of my friends who'll be spending Christmas alone this year. I can't even begin to imagine what that feels like. My heart goes out to them. 

Why do our expectations seem to be so high at Christmas? I don't like it, not one little bit. 

I'll do my best to smile and be happy on the outside this holiday, but on the inside, I'll be crying. 

Sometimes I wonder if something is really wrong with me. When I got married and had my family, I always made a special effort to go over and visit my parents on Christmas day. It was a joyous time of celebration and we made so many precious memories with my siblings and their families. Why do kids not value that sense of family any more? 

Our world is so different these days. 

I can't help thinking of Jamie Lee Curtis in the movie, Christmas with the Kranks. Her husband, Tim Allen, talks her into taking a vacation for Christmas since their daughter won't be able to come home for the holidays. After pondering it, she finally agrees. As her excitement builds and she prepares for the trip, she gets a big surprise. Her daughter calls with a change of plans. Immediately, she shifts gears and tries to pull together all of the familiar traditions she loves. It ends up being a neighborhood effort to bring a sweet holiday to fruition and maybe that's what I'm secretly hoping for...

My husband keeps telling me to take one day at a time, but it's so hard. He asked me earlier today what I wanted for Christmas. I told him I don't need a thing. The blues have hit me hard this year. I don't want anything for Christmas except my family all together under one roof. Is that too much to ask?

And while I'm being a whiney little brat, I can't help but think about two friends of mine. One's father has just found out his cancer from over 20 years ago has come back. The other, who was diagnosed the same year as me, has had to fight continually for the past 9+ years. She's gone through so much and is still having difficulty. I'm sure both of them would wish for wellness this Christmas and I'd love to see them get it, but I still want my family around me. I can't help it. I need them. 

I don't want to be this way, really, I don't. Christmas isn't about what I want. It's about Jesus, but it sure would be nice to celebrate His birth with the ones I love. Maybe next year.

Genie in a bottle

 I just recently watched a cute movie called Genie with Melissa McCarthy. It's your typical genie movie with a few twists. Instead of only getting three wishes, the guy that opens the box gets unlimited wishes. At first, he does what anyone else would do. He wishes for extravagant material possessions, but then, he wishes for more meaningful things like healed relationships. In the end, he makes a special wish for Melissa (the genie.) It was an entertaining feel good movie. 

As I watched, I wondered what I'd do if I were in that situation. Of course, we all know genies aren't real, but I remember the first TV genie that every impacted my life was on the show I Dream of Jeannie. Way back in 1969, I used to love watching Barbara Eden as Larry Hackman gave her specific instructions on what to do. I thought it was hilarious when she'd cross her arms, and purposefully nod her head with a "Your wish is my command, master." 

Boy, did I want my own personal genie! 

I'd still like to have one today. If I had a genie, I'd never have to fold clothes or wash dishes again. I could travel to Timbuktu and back in the blink of an eye. I could have all the things I ever dreamed of and then some. It would be amazing and also scary. 

Right now, people are getting ready to celebrate Christmas. They're buying gifts for loved ones and doing their best to choose appropriate, meaningful gifts. For some, it's an extremely fun time but for others, it can be exasperating and overwhelming. 

If I could have one special gift under the tree on Christmas morning, I think I'd like to have a genie. Of course, I'd prefer to have the type Melissa McCarthy was - one who offered unlimited wishes as opposed to the tiny limit of 3. But if I could only have 3, I think I'd wish for all cancers to be eradicated, for homelessness to end, and of course, for world peace. 

I wonder if my genie would find those wishes too complicated to grant. I'd like to think she'd have the power to bring those to fruition, but I guess I'll never know since genies aren't real. 

This Christmas, I'm going to do my best to be grateful for the life I have now. Yes, it's drastically different than the one I had in 2014, when I was diagnosed with breast cancer, but it's still good. 

I'd like to think we all have the power to grant a few wishes now and then, especially for those going through the various stages of cancer. We might not be able to give exact wishes, but we could come pretty doggone close. 

We can make phone calls and write letters. We can help transport families to see loved ones or offer to give rides to medical appointments. We can take someone's list and do the shopping for them. There are so many things we could do to be little genies. 

And while we can't grant the big wish - the take away cancer one or remove the pain and suffering one, we can do something meaningful. 

Every person is blessed with a particular ability. Some of us have great listening skills, others can give the gift of quality time. Whatever your genie superpower may be, don't wait to be called upon to use it. Go ahead and throw some kind wish granting to the wind and see where your generosity lands. Remember, it'll come back to you one day, too. It may not be in exactly the same way, but you'll receive a blessing of some sort. And that's all that really matters anyway, isn't it? It's more blessed to give than to receive, just like the old saying goes.

Well, it's about time for an update, don't ya think?

 I'm lax. A slacker. Not really, but it feels good to say I've kind of forgotten about my blog lately and the reason is a fairly good one, I think. Life has been going well and by that I mean pretty normal. 

Normal is hard for a person affected by cancer to ever say because once cancer has come into your life, nothing is ever normal again. 

On my fridge hangs a schedule of future medical appointments. I'm happy to say there's only one cancer related appointment among that list and that appointment is in March. 

How'd that happen???

It seems I've been under constant surveillance for so long and now, I'm on annual watch. It seems like I'm a recently freed prisoner or something. And it feels weird - kind of like the safety net has been pulled out from under me. But, I'm thankful. Very, very thankful. 

I can never forget about cancer though. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm reminded of how it changed my life. To this day, almost 10 years post diagnosis, I have no feeling on the right side of my chest. The long incision where they sliced away my breast tissue damaged nerve endings and those haven't rejoined. When I touch my skin there, I can feel a slight pressure, but nothing more. It's an odd feeling. 

I've kind of gotten used to being flat chested. At home, I don't wear my boobs because they're cumbersome and irritating. When I go out, I do. Mostly, to help myself fit in. I don't want to be stared at because I'm different. When I wear my prostheses, no one knows I had breast cancer, unless I tell them. 

My husband and my family know they may or may not see me with boobs on and they've grown to accept it. But now, my youngest daughter has a new boyfriend and he isn't familiar with my health journey. I've given her permission to tell him about it in hopes he'll understand and accept me with or without my female anatomy. I don't want him to be uncomfortable wondering about me if I don't look feminine, especially when he doesn't know me well enough yet. And when I meet his family one day, I'm hoping they won't know my secret. 

It's hard to keep a think like that hidden but I feel it's my right to share or not share. 

Sometimes, it feels like this has all been a bad dream.

I made it through Thanksgiving this year without balling my eyes out. In the past, I always cried as I remembered all God has brought me through. I definitely don't take any of that for granted, it's just this year, I'd come to a place of contentment. 

Now Christmas is upon us and I can't help but feel nostalgic. As I put up decorations, I think about all the people I've known who are no longer with us. Many of those were friends who fought cancer hard and lost. It breaks my heart to think about their valiant fights, but each of them possessed a bravery I can only hope to mirror one day. 

It's nice that cancer isn't my main focus any more. I still can't believe how much territory I gave it those first few years. 

There are still some friends who're fighting hard to make it through cancer. Seeing their struggle makes me so sad. I wonder why God has been so gracious to me and yet, they aren't as blessed. I have to remind myself daily, I could be in their position just as easily as they could be in mine. 

I never want to take a day for granted. 

That's one gift cancer has given me - the gift of gratitude. I used to assume too many things. Now I don't. 

One thing I've learned recently is I don't need cancer as a convenient excuse anymore. 

Yes, I still experience side effects from radiation - my right lung was damaged and sometimes I struggle to breathe properly. I do get tired more easily than I used to, but that could also be because I'm older now than when first diagnosed. I still have body image issues on the bad days, but usually, I can push through them. Most of all, I'm just glad I'm still around. 

I love getting to watch sunrises and sunsets. I love listening to instrumental Christmas classics, I love smelling oranges or cookies fresh from the oven. I love seeing the wrinkles on my husband's face when he smiles a big smile and that twinkle in his eyes when he's happy. I could be missing all those things...

I don't know if cancer will ever rear its ugly head in my life again, I pray not, but if it does, I'll worry about that then. Until that day, I'm moving forward. I'm living my life to the fullest and I'm really glad I can.