Losing Control Isn't Easy for a Type A Person

 

Be forewarned, this is a very long, personal devotional and definitely falls into the category of oversharing, but I need to do this for myself and hopefully, to encourage and bless someone else. (Also, if you're squeamish, you might not want to look at the pictures.)

Most of the people who know me know I'm a firstborn child. As a result of that, I learned quickly to become a people pleaser. I wanted to always do good and be good so I'd get the attention and affection of both my parents and others in my life. To do that, I learned I needed to be in control. I worked hard to keep things in check, things both big and small. But if you've ever studied about it, people pleasing isn't a good thing. In fact, it's a nasty flesh pattern and one that isn't a becoming trait. It's not something that makes God pleased. 

 

Through the years, I've struggled to learn to let go of my people pleasing tendencies and to squelch my need for control. I'm ashamed to admit it, but even today, I struggle a little with both of these although where I am today is way better than I was in the past. 

 

Without going into a very long list of details, I'll give you a nutshell version - I've endured trials many would never imagine, most of them health related, but there have been many others as well. I'm a strong person, not physically, but spiritually, and I know these trials have been permitted by the hand of God to refine and reshape my life. 

 

Kardia EKG machine

Yesterday started out as a good day. After breakfast, I started in on my housework. We ran a few errands, came home and had lunch. It was a typical day until it wasn't. 

 

Phil had gone out to work in the yard. We just had a lot of sod installed and it had to be watered. While he was doing that, I came into my office to check emails, write some prisoners (I'm part of a prison ministry), and do a few other piddly things. As I was working on an email, I started to feel funny. My heart was beating really fast and wasn't beating in the normal lub dub rhythm. I won't lie, it scared me and I became very shaky. I knew my blood pressure must be up too, so I went to check it. When I did, it was 202/99 and my pulse rate was 138. Definitely not good. 

 

Next, I pulled out my portable EKG (my cardiologist had suggested I get one several months ago after a similar experience.) The EKG was quick and indicated Tachycardia. 

 

Waiting on test results

As I tried not to freak out, I looked outside to see if I could find my husband to let him know what was going on. I couldn't find him and didn't want to waste time looking. I was feeling worse and saw the clock indicated it was 4:45 p.m. I dialed my cardiologist's number in hopes of getting some advice. I knew they were about to close so I prayed I'd get through. After 3 tries I was able to talk with a nurse. She said go to the ER. So I called 911 and when the ambulance got there, they worked on me a while before taking me to the hospital. 

 

At the hospital, the nurses were kind. Immediately they inserted an IV and took many vials of blood. About 30 minutes later, the ER doc comes in and says he wants to do a CT scan with and without contrast. He didn't explain why. 

 

When the transport team came to get me and take me to the CT room, the person pushing me in the wheelchair said, "We're going to do a CT scan. Have you had one before?" I replied, "Yes, many times." She said, "Good. This one will be to see if you have a blood clot in your heart." Hearing that freaked me out. I had no idea the CT was for something like that. 

 

My blood

In the CT tube, as the contrast flowed through my veins and I began to feel warm all over, I prayed, "Oh, Lord, please let anything that needs to be seen be illuminated clearly. If You're ready to take me home, I'm ready to go." Over and over as the test was running, I prayed. 

 

I was taken back to the room and we had to wait several more hours before the results were in from all the tests. While we waited, I worried, then prayed. Phil did his best to keep me calm, but this was definitely something I couldn't control....a blood clot in my heart??? I couldn't fathom it. 

 

Control. It's the one thing we wish we had but many times don't. Practically every waking moment of our lives we're surrounded by things we can't control- the economy, the weather, circumstances, opinion of others, our health, etc. It's easy to start doubting and worrying. But God didn't wire us to be in control. In fact, our lack of control requires us to rest in Him and lean on Him. It forces us to use our faith muscles.

I knew, as I waited to hear what was causing my health crisis that God was and is always in control. The Bible teaches us through various scriptures how there is nothing beyond His control. And if God was in control, I had no reason to fear. Because He loves me and has numbered my days. 

 

When the ER doc came back in to talk with us, He said my D-Dimer was high, my potassium was low, and I had some funky things in my lungs called ground glass opacities. But even with all those things, there was NO blood clot in my heart! Praise God!!! 

 

So, this typical type A has once again loosened her grip on the rope of control. Now I am praying I can get in to see the various doctors I'm supposed to follow up with on Monday. Would you please pray with me that an opening will be available? Mondays are usually packed full for most physicians. (I used to work for several docs. We always kept 2 work in appointments available each day, one around 10:30 and the other at 2:30. Hopefully this practice is still in place.)

 

Losing control is hard. Trusting COMPLETELY in God regarding health issues or any other problem in your life, is also difficult. Both take determination and will. But with God, it's possible, I promise. 

 

Scriptures to cling to: 

 

Jeremiah 29:11-12. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you."

 

Job 42:2. "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted."

Isaiah 55:9. "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

 

Romans 8:28. "And we know that for those who love
God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

 

Philippians 4:12-13. "I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."

 

Hebrews 13:8. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."

 

1 John 5:14. "And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us."