Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Random thoughts

My hubby, Phil
Tomorrow is my husband's 62nd birthday. That means he'll be filling out the forms for Social Security, too. I'm looking forward to celebrating his special day but more importantly focusing more intently on our future together. We're planning to do a good bit of traveling and we've both been looking forward to it. As every day passes, I realize we're getting older. The aches and pains in our bodies scream it so loudly now we can't ignore it. But 60ish isn't really that old...if we were in our 90s, I could say we were really getting there and that's my hope...that one day we'll be able to reach our 90s and we'll still be happily married and alive! Being alive is much better than being dead or so they say...but is it really? Sometimes, I think I'd rather be dead. At least then, I'd be in the presence of the Lord. I wouldn't have any more aches or pains. I would never have to worry about the cancer coming back again. I would have no problems whatsoever! I'm not one to wish my life away though so I'll continue to live in the present day and focus on the moment at hand. I'm just so grateful to still be here because two years ago, I wasn't so sure that would be the case.

The year seems to be flying! The older you get, the faster they go. My grandmother always said that. When I was a kid, I never paid much attention to her but she was telling the truth. I feel like I blink and it's a new month. The holidays will soon be here and gone. Time never stands still. That's one reason I love photography so much...I can actually freeze time. I can save little moments of life forever. It's extremely rewarding and enjoyable. I haven't been shooting for several months though. It's been too hot outside to do anything, so I stay indoors. The heat isn't good for the swelling in my arms.

Speaking of arms, I've packed up the compression pump the insurance company sent for my Lymphedema. It wasn't doing a darn thing except stealing an hour of my time and making me look like the robot on Lost in Space...DANGER WILL ROBINSON, DANGER, DANGER, DANGER!!! Nothing is helping much. The compression sleeves are too hot and don't address the swelling in my chest area so I've got to talk with the breast surgeon once again when I go for my checkup next month. She's probably going to recommend some type of chest compression garment. We'll see. The most frustrating thing about my surgery has been the Lymphedema. I don't mind the long, horizontal scar at all. It doesn't hurt and if that was all I had to deal with it would be a piece of cake but this darn swelling is the pits! I can't tell you how frustrating it is and how much I wish I didn't have to deal with it. But how can I complain? I know God allowed it. I think of Paul and the thorn in his flesh given him to buffet him...some scholars say it was speech impediment, some say it was his short stature and physically weak body...no matter, it was something that frustrated him on a daily basis, moment by moment, reminding him of his dependence on God and I am TRYING to look at Lymphedema in the same light but it's difficult. And I still have the clothing challenges. There is nothing I can find to camouflage the HUGE size of my arms except shirts in size JUMBO or with butterfly sleeves, dolman sleeves, or those very out of style caftans we used to wear in the 70s.

I have a family reunion to attend this weekend and I'm not even looking forward to it. I don't want to sound shallow but I really don't relish people gawking at me. I'm trying to decide whether to wear my boobs or not...if I wear them I'll be extremely hot. If I don't, all the young ones will be looking at me and questioning their parents as to why that lady doesn't have any boobs. Decisions. And why do I care anyway? Why do I care what they think? Why do I care about making them uncomfortable about my breastlessness? Do I put my comfort on the back burner so I can look acceptable in public? Yes...pretty much and it sucks.

If you've read this far, you probably realize I'm in a weird mood today and you're right. I'm not depressed, hurt, angry, or moody I'm just being real. These are the thoughts that pop into my head and I just felt like sharing them today. I'm really doing okay. I'm staying focused and I'm living my life. I'm taking one moment at a time and I'm working hard to be honest with myself. I think I'm in a good place.

I had a good day today. I decided to turn off my cell phone for the majority of the day. (I've been suffering from a little sensory overload lately.) I've also spent a lot less time on the computer unless I've been writing for the cancer magazine. I made a carrot cake from scratch for my love's birthday tomorrow, I did the laundry and dishes. I fertilized my plants. I blew off the drive and walkway. I watched a show I DVR'd. I made myself a salad. I read some poetry and wrote this blog post. Those little mundane things meant a lot to me because they tell me life is good and I'm still around to write these random thoughts and that's just as it should be...just because.

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