Friday, July 8, 2022

Box of Regrets

 



Tomorrow is my 8th cancerversary. You'd think I'd be overwhelmed with joy today and extremely excited about reaching this important milestone and you'd be right. I am, truly, but I'm also overwhelmed with grief. I still long for the me I lost, the me who was self-confident and self-assured, the one who existed long before cancer came knocking at my door. And though I feel conflicted today, I beat myself up for feeling this way. 

Why is it so easy to look back on life and be reminded of all the nasty, horrible, awful things that occurred or remember the bad choices we made? Why isn't it as easy to be filled with gratitude? It seems it takes more effort to count my blessings than to count my regrets. 

Today, my youngest daughter sent me a link to this song, Box of Regrets by Mega. I'd never heard it before but wasn't surprised at how it pricked my soul. My youngest knows me well, almost too well. And while she doesn't know all the terrible, awful I've experienced in my life, I have shared a few of the more painful things with her. She and I are so alike that it scares me at times. 

We're both empaths. It's a difficult gift to bear, but one God hands out to a select few. I'm thankful He gifted us with empathy, to love others so deeply is one of the ways we can be most like Christ. I don't think I'd want any other gift if I'd had the right to choose. 

8 years. I never thought I'd make it this far post diagnosis. I assumed I'd die before the 5-year mark, especially since I didn't go the conventional treatment route, but God had other plans. In His sovereignty, He's granted me favor. He's allowed me to continue living so I'd better dump out my box of regrets and shift gears. It's time I learn to maintain an attitude of gratitude, as cliche as it may sound. 

So today, I'm making a commitment to myself. I will make a conscious effort to focus on my blessings more than on my regrets. 

The first verse of the song sums it up so well: For too long I've carried
all of my woes, scrutinized them and held them close. All the missteps and mistakes, I've let them linger taking up too much space. Indeed. 

But God...

He has taken my burden and set me free. 

I guess I just needed to be reminded of this today, so thank you, my sweet girl, for the song and for being you. I love you, Jamie. Always and forever, Mom


Box Of Regrets
By Mega


For too long I've carried
All of my woes
Scrutinized them
And held them close
All the missteps
And mistakes
I've let them linger
Taking up too much space

Until you took the weight and set me free
Oh, you came along, and you held the key

To my
Beautiful box of regrets
It's time to change
It's time to forget
For too long I've cried to
Looked at my life through
My beautiful box of regrets

It was painted with my pain
Held a mirror when I fell from grace
The strangest comfort familiar hurt
Useless treasure all I was ever worth

Until you took the weight and set me free
Oh, you came along, and you held the key

To my
Beautiful box of regrets
It's time to change
It's time to forget
For too long I've cried to
Looked at my life through
My beautiful box of regrets

Setting fire to the heartache
Now I'm burning, burning the past
Lift this weight from my shoulders
It's time to let go I can no longer hold this

Beautiful box of regrets
It's time to change
It's time to forget
For too long I've cried to
Looked at my life through
My beautiful box of regrets

Beautiful box of regrets
It's time to change
It's time to forget
For too long I've cried to
Looked at my life through
My beautiful box of regrets
Beautiful box of regrets

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