|It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...|
I cried out to God and asked why...why did I have to go through this mess in the first place. I'd asked Him many, many times in the past and I know He's probably tired of hearing me keep on asking but you know what, the Bible says we are to ask and keep on asking. Now, I'm sure it doesn't specifically apply to situations like mine but I just want to know why He allowed me to go through cancer and why He allowed me to develop complications from it.
Some days you just want to give up and ride off into the sunset. I am tired of fighting and I know, this day will pass and these feelings will pass but right now...right at this very moment, I just wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. Life was so much easier back then and I felt human. I don't feel human much any more. I feel like a freak in a side show...the lady with the big, fat arms and no boobs...come see her! You can pay a quarter to see the freak! But no one would even want to pay a quarter to see this freak, I assure you.
So yes, today I'm having a big old pity party. I didn't plan it, it was actually a surprise pity party. It just kind of snuck up on me and hit me in the head like a big rubber mallet. KA BLAM! Yeah. Feeling worthless sucks but that's how I'm feeling right now. I know it's a lie straight from hell because God says I am worthy because He is worthy so I guess I'd better suck it up and deal with it.
My arms hurt so much and I feel so ashamed. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone...the freak in the side show, yep, that's me.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
Oh Bonnie - if I lived closer I would come over and we could have a pity party together. I'm right there with you. I'm weary of it all and wonder why things keep getting more difficult. I'm so sorry my friend. Praying for you as you struggle with this!ReplyDelete
Jennifer, thank you for your sweet comments. I know you understand completely as you are in the midst of trial too. You know, I have to look at it this way...God must love and trust us so much that He knows we can handle these trials He's handpicked for us. I know He's going to use them to strengthen our faith and draw us closer to Him. Some days our flesh is so weak but He is always so very strong! Let's hang in there together and encourage one another when we need it ;) I'm so glad we "met" on the internet. I pray for you daily. God bless you as you continue your journey.ReplyDelete