Saturday, June 11, 2016

Some days you just want to give up

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...
Today has been a really rough day for me. It didn't start out that way, in fact, I had a lot of energy earlier in the day and did all of my housework including mopping the floors. I was on a roll, or so I thought and then around 5:30 p.m. my arms had become so swollen and achy.  I performed the manual lymphatic drainage like I'd been taught by the therapist but it didn't seem to help. I was so frustrated and upset as I realized this is a life long condition. I will NEVER be able to be rid of it and that's when I started bawling my eyes out. My sweet husband came to the rescue and held me in his arms and let me just continue crying. I told him how horrible I felt and that I wished it would just go away. He tried to empathize with me and I told him he had no idea how I really felt. As I explained the heaviness and tightness from the lymphedema, he said, "I know honey. I can see the swelling. I see it every day." Right after he said that I lost it. I just had to go into another room and be by myself.

I cried out to God and asked why...why did I have to go through this mess in the first place. I'd asked Him many, many times in the past and I know He's probably tired of hearing me keep on asking but you know what, the Bible says we are to ask and keep on asking. Now, I'm sure it doesn't specifically apply to situations like mine but I just want to know why He allowed me to go through cancer and why He allowed me to develop complications from it.

Some days you just want to give up and ride off into the sunset. I am tired of fighting and I know, this day will pass and these feelings will pass but right now...right at this very moment, I just wish I could go back to my pre-cancer days. Life was so much easier back then and I felt human. I don't feel human much any more. I feel like a freak in a side show...the lady with the big, fat arms and no boobs...come see her! You can pay a quarter to see the freak! But no one would even want to pay a quarter to see this freak, I assure you.

So yes, today I'm having a big old pity party. I didn't plan it, it was actually a surprise pity party. It just kind of snuck up on me and hit me in the head like a big rubber mallet. KA BLAM! Yeah. Feeling worthless sucks but that's how I'm feeling right now. I know it's a lie straight from hell because God says I am worthy because He is worthy so I guess I'd better suck it up and deal with it.

My arms hurt so much and I feel so ashamed. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone...the freak in the side show, yep, that's me.

© bonnie annis all rights reserved

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