Last night as I was preparing for bed, I felt a lump just over the end of my left rib cage. At first, I didn't believe what my fingers felt, so I put some lotion on my hand and felt again. Sure enough, there's a nice size lump there and actually, I think there are two. Instantly, I went into freak out mode thinking it's a recurrence of cancer and I wondered if I should have kept on taking those nasty anti-hormone therapy drugs, the ones that gave me all the horrid side effects, instead of opting to go the all natural route...but I felt like the decision I made at the time was the best one for me and I've had two years of pretty good living (other than the swelling and pain from Lymphedema and the constant pain from the bulging disks in my back.) My mind started racing and the shoulda, coulda, wouldas took over and then came the big, old giant what ifs. But I'm not going to borrow trouble. I am going to mention it to my oncologist when I go for my check up on the 30th. I am going to insist he feel it and he do some testing to see what's going on. I'm not going to sit idly by and "watch it" for a while. This is urgent!
I hesitated even mentioning it here because some of my family may read my blog and start to say, "I told you so," but they're not in my shoes and they don't have the whole story. They don't understand why I made the decisions I've made thus far and this is my journey not theirs. I will be honest, I am definitely scared but I know, even though there's a palpable lump there, it could be an enlarged lymph node or a fluid filled cyst instead of a full blown, cancerous mass. If, after testing, the doctor finds it is a recurrence of cancer, I will be reconsidering taking the medication but it will be after much prayer. Although those medications have helped some breast cancer patients, they've also harmed many others.
So, if you're reading this, please say a little prayer for me. Pray the doctor will do whatever necessary to get to the bottom of this and find out why there's a lump (or two...not sure, one feels big and one feels small or maybe it's just oddly shaped and I'm feeling two parts of one lump.) And maybe, just maybe it's something that will resolve on its own...that's my hope, anyway. Cancer is a scary, scary thing and once you've had an experience with it, you always feel like you're looking over your shoulder waiting, wondering, and hoping it will never catch up to you again.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
I hesitated even mentioning it here because some of my family may read my blog and start to say, "I told you so," but they're not in my shoes and they don't have the whole story. They don't understand why I made the decisions I've made thus far and this is my journey not theirs. I will be honest, I am definitely scared but I know, even though there's a palpable lump there, it could be an enlarged lymph node or a fluid filled cyst instead of a full blown, cancerous mass. If, after testing, the doctor finds it is a recurrence of cancer, I will be reconsidering taking the medication but it will be after much prayer. Although those medications have helped some breast cancer patients, they've also harmed many others.
So, if you're reading this, please say a little prayer for me. Pray the doctor will do whatever necessary to get to the bottom of this and find out why there's a lump (or two...not sure, one feels big and one feels small or maybe it's just oddly shaped and I'm feeling two parts of one lump.) And maybe, just maybe it's something that will resolve on its own...that's my hope, anyway. Cancer is a scary, scary thing and once you've had an experience with it, you always feel like you're looking over your shoulder waiting, wondering, and hoping it will never catch up to you again.
©bonnie annis all rights reserved
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