Where's my joy?

This morning, I stood at my bathroom mirror inspecting my reflection. A woman I barely recognized looked back with empty eyes. “Who are you?” I asked. There was no response. That's when a few random thoughts popped into my head - "Where's your joy? When was the last time you were truly happy? When did you last laugh?"Hmmm...I had no answers. Something was wrong. Was I depressed? Possibly. I thought I was just fine. I sure looked just “fine.” Everyone said so. But was I really? The more I thought about it, the less sure I was. 

I've always tried to be happy. I've done my best to keep a positive outlook on life, but when feelings creep in, they have a way of stealing joy. When things we can't control happen, it's easy to get discouraged, to feel a little down, and to let the joy slip into sadness.  

People always say you have to move past the things you can't control. They tell you to just let it go and move on, but that's not an easy thing to do, especially when those you love are involved and are part of the problem.  

Growing old is difficult. It's easy to feel insignificant and unnecessary when the kids are grown and don't have time for you. Of course, as parents, we realize they won't be around forever. They grow up and have lives of their own, but what about us? What about trying to keep your parents in the loop? What about making them feel loved and wanted, like they're important and they matter? 

I was always taught to love, honor, and respect my elders. I taught my children the same virtues and for a while, they did pretty well with them, but over the years, they've started to slip. Maybe it's the culture. I don't want to make excuses for them. It hurts my heart that they don't see the longing in our eyes when they make the occasional visit. We want more time with them. We need more time with them. We crave it, but we don't want to come flat out and tell them...but, boy how we wish they'd get it. 

One day they'll be old and they'll find themselves in the same boat. They'll wait for the day a call comes and the person on the other end of the line says, "Hi, Mom! I was thinking about coming by for a visit today. Are you up for it? " And before the conversation ends, a huge smile spreads across their face with anticipation. Their heart wells with joy at the thought of seeing flesh of their flesh, being enveloped in love, and being allowed the gift of time together.  Then, maybe, they'll understand the loneliness, the longing, the loss of joy that comes when parents age and children do, too.