Wednesday, August 19, 2020

Preparing for the Sneak Attack

 My husband and I like to watch good movies, especially ones with interesting plots. Recently, we watched a movie about soldiers on a secret mission. It was a nail biter. Sitting on the edge of my seat, I wondered at every scene, what would happen next. 

As one of the main characters in the movie wandered through enemy territory, you could feel the tension rising knowing danger lurked at every corner. Just as we thought he was going to make his way out unscathed, bullets ripped through the air tearing through his camouflaged material and lodging deeply in his chest. For the next few minutes, we wondered if he would live or die. Surely, they'd keep him alive to continue the story line, right?! Thankfully they did. 

Many of my friends know I've been working on writing a book about my breast cancer journey. It's been a long, tedious process. Reliving memories has made me feel like a soldier returning to previously conquered enemy territory. It's felt ominous and oppressive. 

But even though it's been challenging, I've slogged on. I am determined to finish my mission by year's end. This is a personal goal so I push through. 

Today, as I was writing, I wondered why I feel so compelled to write the story of my journey. Will it matter, one way or the other, if anyone reads what I write? Probably not. Will it be beneficial in helping someone else on their own cancer journey? I hope it will, but who knows. So why write? 

Perhaps it's to smother past demons that lurk in the dark shadows of my mind. Maybe exposing them will help with my own healing. But can I ever be truly healed from the trauma of breast cancer? I'd like to answer a resounding yes, but I'm just not sure. 

What I do know is this, time is said to heal all wounds. If that's so, and I've just recently passed the 6 year mark, I should be well on the way to becoming whole again, but then again, maybe I'm not supposed to return to my old normal. 

I hate the phrase new normal. It's popular among the pink sisterhood, but I don't like it. Nothing is ever really normal anyway, is it? I mean, day to day, everything changes. Nothing remains the same. 

So maybe writing the book is only cathartic for me. Maybe I'll complete it and then hit the delete button after I'm done, who knows. 

I'm usually not a wishy washy person but today, I feel that way. I wish I could be more positive, like a friend of mine who's dying of stage 4 cancer right now. No matter what she goes through, she smiles. I don't know how she does it. 

I've always tried to be a Pollyanna. My rose colored glasses have always been perched tightly on my nose but today, they're sliding. I keep reaching up to push them back in place. 

Maybe I need a little encouragement and motivation, or maybe a swift kick in the rear! 

Now that I've vented, I'll return to writing, for a little while, anyway.

2 comments:

  1. Hi Bonnie-I came across an article you had written for CURE back in 2017 about quitting Femara. I have looked through all of your subsequent articles and can't find a follow-up to that decision. Have you stayed off Femara? How are you doing? I have been on it for 14 months and am desperate to get off, but scared. I was diagnosed last February with stage 1A. I was told I didn't need chemo but did have a lumpectomy followed by 33 radiation treatments. I am also a Christ follower.

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    Replies
    1. Violet, I just celebrated my 6th cancerversary in July of this year. I am doing great! I have been off of all aromatase inhibitors since early 2015 and I am so thankful God led me to forego taking them for an extended period of time. I had really bad side effects from each of the 3 I tried. I was on Aromasin, Arimidex, and Tamoxifen for short periods of time. With each one, I had such bad side effects I couldn't continue. I felt like I was an 80 year old woman, barely able to walk across the floor. And the mood swings were terrible. I cried all the time! The bone and joint pain never eased up. After telling my oncologist I was going to go off of them, he looked at me like I had 3 heads. I consulted a naturopath at the cancer treatment center and he helped me find natural alternatives. When I was diagnosed, I was stage 2B invasive ductal carcinoma and had metastasis to the lymph glands. By following a natural regimen, I'm doing great and feeling great. If you want to send me your email address, I'll gladly share what I'm doing with you. Thanks for your comment and for reading my blog. God bless you!

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