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| A reminder to others from me |
Surviving cancer is an amazing accomplishment. Any survivor
will tell you the fight, albeit extremely challenging, has been worth it once
won. But accepting the title “survivor” comes with baggage for some. Instead of
being able to celebrate survivorship with complete freedom, feelings of
puzzlement can be overwhelming. Survivors may experience feelings of
reservation at celebrating their good fortune. They may begin to wonder “why
me.” It may be difficult to accept the fact that some with breast cancer survive
and others do not. So how do we get past those feelings and learn to accept our
fate with joy instead of remorse or guilt?
Survivor’s guilt is very common among survivors who’ve
experienced traumatic events in their lives and cancer isn’t the only event
that can bring these feelings to light. Wars, disasters, accidents or other
types of illnesses are among life changing events that can stir up feelings of
sadness or guilt for those who survive. Wondering why survival was possible for
some and not for others can be overwhelming. Among those in the breast cancer
community, survivor’s guilt is often more common because of the tightly knit
sisterhood. I know this to be true in my own life.
When I was first diagnosed, I wanted to find others
who shared the same diagnosis. I wanted to compare our stories and understand
the reasons behind their treatment plans. It was difficult to understand why
some doctors recommended one path of treatment and others chose a different
route especially when we shared the exact diagnosis. It became even more
difficult for me, when I learned of the death of some of those ladies earlier
this year. I didn’t know much about survivor’s guilt at that time but felt
devastated and remorseful over the fact that I was still living and they were
not. In my quest for understanding my feelings, I began to research and found
survivor’s guilt is a very real thing and it’s another part of the cancer
journey that must be accepted and processed. Some survivors never experience
survivor’s guilt and others are overwhelmed by it. I fell somewhere in the
middle. I wondered why. Cancer is not a competition but curiously, I was
comparing my course of treatment to others. I wondered if anyone else did the
same. Sometimes, I wondered if perhaps, and I hate to admit this, I hadn’t
suffered enough. I hadn’t needed to go through chemotherapy. I hadn’t lost my
hair. My treatment plan was different from those I knew with the same
diagnosis. They seemed to have suffered more. Where did this crazy feeling of
comparison come from?
This weekend, I’ll celebrate my second anniversary of being
in remission and while I’ve not been given the all clear by my oncologist, as
far as we know right now, I have no evidence of disease. I hesitate to celebrate because I'm having a bone scan done on Friday and I won't know the results of that scan until later next week. What if...what if, something shows up? I want to celebrate freely
and enjoy the fact that I’m still here and doing well but I can’t help but
think of those who are not. How do we get past the feelings of guilt that come
at times like these? The only way I have found to move forward is being able to
share my feelings with others. Being able to talk about the feelings of guilt
and sadness have helped me process them and accept the fate of others.
It has been challenging to learn it’s acceptable to feel
okay about surviving. As I celebrate my cancerversary this year, I’m planning
on remembering those who’ve passed away but I’m also going to focus on the
beautiful gift of life ahead of me. I don’t want to let survivor’s guilt engulf
me. The hard reality about breast cancer is that some will survive and others
will not. None of us know which category we’ll fall into and none of us should
feel guilty about survival. Survival is a basic human instinct. We all fight
for it, we all deserve it and some of us even get to celebrate it.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved
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