What's in your belly?

I'm getting a little nervous about Friday. I'll be having an EGD done that day. What's an EGD, you say? Well, it's a test used to discover any abnormalities in your esophagus, gastrointestinal system, and your duodenum. (You can read more about that here or watch an informational video about it here.) It seems the last one I had done, a little over 3 years ago, revealed stomach polyps, a hiatal hernia, and Barrett's esophagus. Since I was diagnosed with breast cancer 20 months ago, they want to recheck the polyps in my stomach and do biopsies on them. I'm not looking forward to being sedated again but I know it's necessary. I'm just praying that anything that needs to be seen will be clearly visible and that the doctor will have the wisdom he needs for the best treatment options. All that being said, I'm thankful we have insurance to cover the cost of the procedure. Hopefully, everything will be okay but if it's not, at least they'll find it early and be able to do whatever they need to do to take care of it. Please pray for NO CANCER!!!

Last night, we had our first date night in ages. We didn't do anything fancy, just went to dinner and a movie, but it was good to FEEL NORMAL again. Even though I wore my prostheses all evening, things almost felt like they did BEFORE CANCER and that was a good thing! It feels good to know I'm taking baby steps at reclaiming my life. It seems like it's been so long since I've felt normal. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's experienced this after being dealt the cancer card but it would have been nice to have had a "head's up" and to have known all of the emotional struggles that might come my way...then again, it's probably better that I didn't. At least this way, I can face them one at a time, as they come and that seems to be a good strategy in winning this war.

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Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out

Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out, especially when I read a friend's blog post and I just can't wrap my head around it. This morning, I was reading a post from a fellow breast cancer survivor. She said her cancer has returned and is growing in her spine. As soon as I read the words, I burst into tears. I just didn't understand! We'd been diagnosed with the same type of cancer in the same year. How could it be that her cancer had returned and mine had not? And what made it even more difficult to understand and accept was the fact that she'd chosen to go the traditional treatment route. I'd opted not to do that. She'd endured chemotherapy, radiation, and the anti-hormone therapy afterward. I'd refused chemo, had done 28 rounds of radiation, and had only taken the anti-hormone drugs for a couple of months. It just didn't compute and it certainly didn't seem fair. But that's what sucks about cancer. It doesn't follow the rules.

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There's a basket of bills sitting in the corner of my bedroom. I try not to look at it as I enter the room but I know it's there. Its contents spill out onto the floor whenever my husband stuffs another bill into the basket. Usually, when the mail comes, he gets it first so he can filter what I see and what I don't see. Since he's the only one working, he takes care of our financial responsibilities and while I'm thankful for that, I'm not ignorant about our mounting bills. Cancer is expensive. Even if you've reached maintenance phase, it's costly. There are always tests to be run, blood to be taken, doctors to see. It never ends. Just knowing this will be a continual process for the rest of my life frustrates me and the alternative, death, will be my only way out. It would be nice to know that cancer could be a once and done kind of thing but that's only wishful thinking. Everyone knows cancer is a long and very involved illness. I had no id

Annual checkup yields good news!

Yesterday I went to the Cancer Treatment Centers of America for my annual check up. For those unfamiliar with the cancer treatment center, it's an integrative facility that provides services for the body, mind, and spirit. My day began in the survivorship department. While there, I met with the doctor and was asked about how I'd been feeling both physically and emotionally. We talked for about half an hour. The doctor and I had a few laughs and it was probably the most pleasant visit I've ever had. Instead of making me feel that she was the doctor and I was the patient, I felt like we were old friends just having a good chat. It was refreshing and I left her office feeling very optimistic. Next was the port lab where I have my blood drawn. It's always a challenge there because I always have to explain about my lymphedema and why it's necessary to have blood drawn from my hand instead of my arm. You'd think, after 4 years of being a patient there, they'

Journey Out of Pink

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