Journey Out of Pink

Last night, I was taken to the ER with possible AFib. I didn't want to go in an ambulance because they cost so much but knew if we drove ourselves, we'd sit in the waiting room more than 6 hours before being seen. (Been there done that!) So I let them take me.  Without going into all the details of ineptitude I experienced from hospital staff, I'll just say it was a very bad experience. I was at the ER until almost 2 AM (over 8 hours)! It was freezing cold in there and I'm so glad I know how to unhook the machinery to get up and go to the bathroom, otherwise I'd have wet the bed. No one came to check on me regularly and I finally told them, at the 7 hour mark, that they could either discharge me or I was going to leave AMA. When I said that, through the call button to the nurse's station, I was told if I left AMA that Medicare wouldn't cover my ER visit. I checked on that and found it to be untrue so I called back and said if the doc wasn't there in the ...

I used to wonder why the Bible says do not fear over 365 times. Pastors usually mention this in their sermons at some point during their career. Today, as I was experiencing some heart rhythm abnormalities, I started to become very fearful. The more fearful I became, the higher my blood pressure went.  There are a lot of things you can control in your body, but you can't control your heart. Over the past few months, I've been dealing with possible AFib. If you don't know what that means, imagine having your heart beat really slow for a few minutes and then be really really fast and then start the same process over again. The rhythm is completely out of whack. It's extremely scary and can make you feel very light-headed and weak. Now can you see why I get scared?  No matter what I tried to do, fear seems to overtake me. I do my best to remain calm. I'm a believer and I know that God is in control, but I don't want to die a heart attack.  We have a huge history of...

When I was a child, I learned a lot of silly songs. Sometimes those pop into my mind at random times of the day. Today, as I was feeling kind of crappy, this one came to the forefront of my mind, "The Old Gray Mare Just Ain't What She Used to be."I don't even think I knew what a mare was when I was a young child, but the tune was catchy and we loved to repeat it during camp outs as we sat around the campfire when I was in Girl Scouts. I finally figured out that a mare was an older horse, one that wasn't able to pull it's weight anymore, one that'd soon be put out to pasture or shipped off the glue factory. And that's just about what I feel like today.  Almost everything in my body hurts. It's been a tough year for me. I've been through many medical procedures and I can tell my body is flashing red lights of warning. My time is growing short. Aches and pains are part of aging, but they sure do suck! I'd give anything to wake up from a good n...

  On Resurrection Sunday, one of the most holy days for believers, we made plans to attend one of my daughter's churches. It was also going to be a very special day for me because my youngest granddaughter was getting baptized.    As I got ready for church, I was going to wear a dress. Since the weather had turned warmer, there was no need to wear slacks anymore. But there was a problem. My legs were lily white. I hadn't been in the sun much and those limbs would be visible, even if I wore a mid-length skirt as I usually did. Digging in my drawer, I looked for a pair of panty hose. I hadn't wore any in ages. I hated them! No luck. So what was I to do? Tights, yes! I had a pair of black ones.    I took them out and looked at them. They'd only been worn once. They were thin, more like hose than regular tights which were thicker. I knew, with my rough hands, I'd surely snag them when donning them, so I dug in the drawer again. I knew they were in there somewhere......

Today was Palm Sunday. We celebrated with one of my daughters and her husband at their church. On the way home, we stopped by our old house. We always feel nostalgic when we pass that area of town and stop by as often as we can. But today when we passed, we were dumbfounded. The man who'd purchased the home last year had taken down all of the trees on both sides of the house and in front of it! He'd totally decimated the property! Our house used to be lush and green, filled with beautiful trees! I loved those trees! They gave us lovely color in the fall and soothing breezes in the summer. As we looked over the terrain, my heart felt crushed. One of the reasons we'd purchased that home in the first place was because of the huge wooded lot. I couldn't understand how someone could destroy God's beautiful creation so easily and quickly.  We pulled onto the gravel road beside the house and saw the new owner out in the yard. I rolled down the window and called out to him....

Insomnia sucks! For the past few years I've been struggling with it but over the last several months, it's become unbearable. Trying to function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep has been challenging. Not only have I been physically exhausted, I've lost mental clarity.  I have tried everything in the book. No amount of herbal remedies or bottles of melatonin have worked. Even adding in Sleepy Time tea hasn't helped. Finally, at my wit's end, I made a call to my doctor. I was desperate. Thankfully, he listened and was willing to help.  When the pharmacy called and said my prescription was ready, I was hesitant. I didn't want to have to take a medication to fall asleep, but when you can't make your brain stop, what do you do?  Last night, I slept for 8 and 1/2 hours! That's the first time I've done that since I was a teenager! I woke up feeling rested and ready to face the day. I was so thankful.  It's amazing how sleep affects one's ability to function...

It's funny the things you remember on a warm afternoon. Today I was thinking about my childhood and all the wonderful things my parents did to make it special. Money was tight as we were growing up so little extras always meant a lot.  I remember one year when I was six or seven. Easter was coming and everywhere we went we'd see these tiny little chicks for sale. They had been dyed bright, beautiful colors - pinks, blues, greens, purples, and oranges. My sister, brother, and I thought they were the cutest things ever and begged for one of those little chicks. We promised the promises all little children make when they desperately want an animal - the promises to feed, clean up after, and care for the tiny creature. We whined and begged pulling on Mama's dress hem. The answer back then was always, "We'll see." We learned quickly that hint of hope usually meant "I'm sorry, we just can't afford it right now." But this one year, was different. Ma...

We had a tornado touch down in our county today. It got pitch black here and rained hard. The sky began to look an eery shade of green and I expected a tornado to drop down right in our back yard! Thankfully it wasn't close to our house this time. We prayed before the storm started asking God for protection. We've really had some weird weather this year and next week is supposed to be a repeat of today. All this is going on while up North they're getting ice and snow! Flowers are blooming everywhere and look so pretty other than being covered in pollen. This time of year the blossoms pop out just in time for Easter. I love seeing all the beautiful color but the pollen irritates my eyes and sinuses. Today I went for my pre-op bloodwork. Knee replacement will be April 18, so please be praying then. I'm very nervous about it and the rehab after. I definitely don't want to go through any more pain. I've had my share in this life. I guess the older you get the faster...

Some days you just get antsy and have to get out of the house. That's the way I felt yesterday. It was a dreary, gloomy day and was drizzling rain but I knew if I stayed inside, I'd get depressed and I didn't want that. After talking with my husband, we decided to pack a picnic lunch and head for our closest state park. Weekdays aren't normally busy.  Pulling out our big Buccee's insulated bag, I quickly made sandwiches, bagged up some chips, gathered fruit, and slid drinks into the bag. Next, I tucked in paper plates and napkins. Within fifteen minutes the bag was packed, I'd grabbed a jacket, and we were out the door.  It was spitting rain as we drove to the park but we didn't mind. The weather app said it'd be letting up soon so we were hopeful.  We arrived at the park and half an hour later and found hardly a soul visiting. Our stomachs were growling so first stop would be a covered pavilion where we could eat without getting wet. It was nice to feel...

I have four children whom I dearly love, but it's hard to spend time with them because none of them live close. And while I do my best to be part of their lives through phone calls, texts, and emails, I'd rather see them in person on a daily basis like I did when they were younger and all lived at home. I understand they're grown and have their own lives. I'm proud of each of them and know they're busy with their own families, but I still need them.  My youngest daughter is in constant touch. I get phone calls every day and our relationship is just about as tight as it always was but with the others, it's a challenge. My son works 2 jobs and is now spending time running back and forth helping take care of his grandchildren. My oldest daughter lives in another state and is always busy with her 5 children and their extracurricular activities. My middle daughter only lives about an hour away, but homeschools her daughter and spends a lot of time serving in her chur...

It's the middle of March and it's 70 degrees. The air is humid and eery. Weather men are predicting powerful storms tonight and the possibilty of long tracking, deadly tornadoes. As we sit outside, we can feel a type of energy in the air. It's ominous and makes me nervous.  In 2021, an EF4 tornado hit downtown Newnan which is about 15 miles from our current house. Back then, it was less than 10 from where we lived and we stayed up all night praying as we huddled on the floor of our laundry room. That was one of the scariest nights of my life.  After that huge tornado slammed into our city and decimated it, I told my husband we needed to be better prepared for the next weather event. I ordered some thick, sturdy bike helmets from Amazon. I bought a solar cell phone charger and gathered thick pillow and blankets. We came up with a plan. The next time tornadoes were predicted, we were going to be ready.  I don't like living in "tornado alley," a wide swath of lan...

This morning was my annual visit to the oncologist. For the past week, I've been dreading it and no matter how hard I tried to think positively, it seemed the louder the devil's whispers became - "So what if you've been cancer free for 11 years. You don't know if it won't ever come back again. When you least expect it, it could pop back into your life." And then I could almost hear an evil laughter in the background. I knew those were only lies of the enemy. I was a child of God and I trusted Him to keep me in the palm of His hands no matter what. If He chose to let cancer back into my life, He'd equip me to fight it. If He choose to keep me cancer free for the rest of my life, then I would continually thank and praise Him for His goodness and mercy. Either way, I had to have faith and I had to have hope.  My appointment was at 10:00 AM but I woke at 5:00 AM. I was nervous. Every time I've gone in in the past, I've felt pretty certain I was goi...

Today is my son's 49th birthday and I can hardly believe I'm old enough to say that. It seems like yesterday I was heading to the hospital to give birth for the first time. I was so young and so very scared. I had no idea what to expect - no childbirth classes to prepare me to breathe properly or ride out the pain. Instead, as each labor pain grew in intensity, I struggled against it feeling like I was about to split wide open and just when I thought I couldn't bear another second of terror, my beautiful baby boy arrived. I'll never forget how it felt to have him placed in my arms. His tiny body cradled against me, I felt such love and utter infatuation. Finally, I had something or someone to call my own.  How could the time have flown so quickly? 1976 seems a lifetime away. Looking back, I marvel. I was such a child when I gave birth for the first time only I didn't realize it at the time. I was just 19. By today's standards, I would have just graduated college...

Back in 1997, I read a little book called "Tuesdays with Morrie." I'd forgotten all about it until last week when I found a copy at a little free library. Taking it home, I put it on my TBR (To Be Read) shelf and said I'd get to it when I'd finished a couple of other books. (Normally I'm reading 2-3 books at a time.) Reading is my guilty, not guilty pleasure.  Passing the shelf yesterday, I glanced down and saw the book on top of some others. Hmmm. I know I've read this before, I thought, but maybe I'll read it again since it's been years. I don't normally do that. Once I've read something, that's it. I don't revisit, except for the Bible which I read cover to cover annually.  Picking up the book, I read a few pages and my memory was refreshed. The story was about an elderly man who was suffering from ALS, also known as Lou Gehrig's disease. There's no know cure and I was very familiar with it, you see, my maternal Grandmoth...

 Warning: Negativity ahead!  I'm till having health issues related to the hiatal hernia repair surgery. Went in for an endoscopy yesterday and they found several growths and biopsied them. I won't hear back for about 10 days they said. I'm concerned. There's always a niggling concern of a recurrence of cancer in the back of my mind. I know God's in control and I'm doing my best to trust Him completely but sometimes, that little prickly voice of Satan whispers negativity to me. I try to tune it out by focusing more on the Word. When I get all this junk straightened out, I'll have the knee surgery. I'm barely able to walk now and have started having hip pain a good deal. If it weren't for a special off loading knee brace, I wouldn't be able to walk at all. It sucks getting old.  God's been teaching me to look for the positive in the negative lately. I don't know if I'm a good student or not. It seems He has to keep emphasizing this mess...

Gifts. I've never met anyone who didn't enjoy receiving one. For generations it's been customary to give gifts for special occasions. Most Americans give gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, and religious holidays. There's normally a lot of thought that goes into the gift giving process. One might consider a person's hobbies or interests as they choose a gift or perhaps a person has created a shareable wish list of items on Amazon or some other app. Sometimes, a gift is chosen merely because the giver thinks the receiver will enjoy it, and most times, the gift is given out of love instead of obligation. But have you ever given a gift to someone just because? Those types of gifts are so special and I'd like to tell you about one I received about 18 years ago.  At that time, I was working for a mega church in Atlanta. As a member of the church's counseling team, I had the joy of combining my faith and work daily. Our department was fairly small and led by an ex...

It was the most beautiful day today! The sun was shining, the sky was blue, and the temperatures had risen. We'd been waiting for a day like this for months it seemed, so we decided to take advantage of it. Books, water bottles, and happiness in tow, we headed to the a local park. We were going to make the most of this glorious day.  We walked several laps around the park then sat down to soak up some sun. Vitamin D is so vital to health. We sat there talking for several minutes and then started to read as the clocked ticked by. Before we knew it school was out and children started arriving. Most of them headed for the playground. Their peals of laughter made us smile. Other adults were on the trails getting their exercise in. We watched as each individual or small group passed by.  One couple caught our attention. They were a good distance from us but we could tell by their stooped stature they were an older couple. There was something between them that we couldn'...

Smack dab in the center of my refrigerator door hangs the cutest little piece of art you ever did see. Oh course, I'm a little prejudiced. It was created by my then 7 year old granddaughter, Heather.  You see, she loves art as much as I do and we enjoy creating together. Even at her tender young age, she's learned the value and power of art to minister to our souls.  At first glance, you might think her artwork isn't anything special, a few words and a lot of simple, colorful hearts but you'd be extremely wrong. Underneath those shaky primary letters and those multicolored hearts lie a whole lot of love and tenderness.  When Heather presented me with this artwork, weeks ago, she had no idea how a simple drawing would minister to me on a daily basis.  To be honest, there have been many days since we last visited that I've struggled. Not only have I had some health challenges but I've also had some down days, which is very unlike me. But the cold, rainy, gray Febr...

This past year was full of health challenges and after a couple of surgeries, I thought I was headed for a new year of better health, but things haven't gone the way I expected. Over the past month, I've struggled with even more issues, visited several doctors, and still have no answers. Friday I went to the doctor again and found out I need another endoscopy. (I've already had 4 done in the past.) When I heard the news I became very discouraged wondering if I was ever going to feel good again.  That afternoon, I spent most of the day crying and praying asking God for help. I felt so helpless and alone. I didn't want to burden my friends or family with my problems. I've always tried to be the positive one, the one with rose colored glasses. And to make matters worse I haven't been sleeping. Why am I sharing all this very personal information? Because I need prayer. I'm human. I'm weak.  We didn't go to church today because of my health issues. Instea...

These cold, dreary days are so depressing! The bare trees and gray skies exacerbate my feelings of longing. I'm ready for Spring, for the hope of new life it brings and for the anticipation of what the remainder of the year holds.  I've often wondered why God instilled in bears the instinct to hibernate in the winter. How do they know when to start fattening up on food and preparing their dens? I like to think God has put an internal clock inside them and as time draws near, He pricks them with a sense of urgency. You wouldn't think big, burly bears would need to spend months sleeping, but they do. And when their time of rest is up, they groggily come out of their dens starving. As they go in search of berries or other sustenance, their weakened state becomes strong again. They move forward ready to resume activity, mate, and bear babies.  Gray days make me want to curl up into a ball and sleep for days, but I don't. Of course, when the days are shorter, I do tend to go...

It's s funny how something as simple as a sunny day can make you feel so nostalgic. My husband and I had just finished our walk in the local cemetery and the sun was shining so brightly. I could feel the warmth on my face and it made me happy. We'd done three laps and felt good about it so we sat down on a bench to rest. As we sat there, I closed my eyes and basked in the sun. A few minutes later, John Denver's song, "Sunshine on My Shoulder" was playing in my head. I hummed along and thought back to a special memory in 1978 (or it could have been '79, my memory is not as good as it used to be..) I remembered being on a family vacation. We'd gone to a beautiful place in North Georgia called Lake Marvin. My family and I were staying for the week at a cabin owned by the Girl Scouts of America. My mother was a Girl Scout leader and had access to the cabin which was a blessing for us. Family vacations were expensive and we didn't have much money.  There we...

Kim White Recently, I watched a movie on the Angel network called Breaking into Beautiful. It's the extraordinary story of Kim White, a young woman faced with a rare, aggressive form of cancer called adrenocoritical carcinoma. It was both a heartbreaking and heartwarming story. As I watched the movie, I was dumbfounded at White's strength, courage, and determination. The movie documents her cancer fight through heartfelt videos and Instagram posts. Throughout her 6 year battle, Kim never gave up hope. She did everything in her power to beat the disease, including agreeing to try clinical trials and risky surgical procedures. The movie was raw and real. That's what made me want to watch it.  When I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2014, the same year as Kim, I did my best to share what I was going through with family and friends. I felt it important to present a true and accurate picture of what living life with cancer was like. I never wanted to hide what I was going thr...