Late night download

 It's way after my bedtime but I don't care. I need to download my thoughts so I can sleep peacefully. There are so many rolling around in my head, I feel like it's about to explode, and most of those thoughts revolve around others. 

There are three loved ones in my life who are fighting cancer right now. Each of their stories is vastly different from the other and each of them suffer from a different type of cancer, but all of the prognoses are bad, and that makes me feel helpless. 

I wish with all my heart I could take their pain. I know what it's like to fight cancer but there's one thing I don't understand, and maybe I'm not meant to understand it - why have I been allowed to live 6 years past diagnosis and more than likely, these I care so deeply about won't? 

Someone once said, "Why does God allow suffering?" And while I don't know all the answers, I do know He is sovereign. His ways are not our ways. He sees the beginning and the end, and everything He allows into our life is for our benefit and for His glory. 

So I cry, but I trust. At the same time. 

Cancer is so hard to accept and even harder to understand, especially when it comes so close to home. 

I pray it never touches your life or the lives of those you love, but if it does, I pray it leaves quickly. 

This poem says it best: 

Close the Door When You Leave

 by Michael Hayes Samuelson

I never asked you to visit...at least I don’t believe I did Maybe...I don’t know It’s so confusing At any rate, you’re a rude guest You take my energy, Rob my sleep, and with a stick You swirl and distort my dreams All right; You are here -- for now But understand There are two places That are forever off limits You may not tread on my spirit You may not occupy my soul I have heard of your visits to others I know the damage you leave in your path The wanton disregard for innocence, value, and what some would call fairness Also, I hear that laughter confuses you; that good foods make you feel bad, and That nothing causes you more distress than an autumn sunset, the forever blue of a summer sky, Or the unconditional radiance of a child’s smile Listen and understand You might pilfer my closets, empty all the drawers, and trash my house But there are two places forever off limits You may not tread on my spirit You may not occupy my soul Do not mistake my nausea, weakness, and pain as signs of your victory They are simply small dents in the armor I wear to fight you Instead, look deeply into my eyes They will once again remind you that there are two places forever off limits You must not... May not... Will not tread on my spirit You must not... May not... Will not occupy my soul.