Today, I found out a friend, I’d “met” last year via the internet, has gotten some bad news. Today’s not a good day for her either. She’s really struggling, even more than I. She just found out her breast cancer has returned and like an unwelcome guest, it has decided to make itself at home and spread out a little…all over her body. She’s devastated and my heart breaks for her.
I didn’t know what to say when she sent me a Facebook message with a link to her latest blog post. (We’ve kept up with each other via our blog posts and Facebook for over a year now and even though we’ve never met, I feel like she’s a dear friend.) We share so much. She loves crafting and so do I. She is a grandmother and loves her grandchildren, so do I. She loves cardmaking and so do I. She had breast cancer and so did I, but now, hers is back.
When I read her story, I felt like I was right there with her. As she shared about being rushed to the ER and having tests run, I could literally feel her fear. I wanted to say something but I didn’t know what to say. What do you say to someone who worked so hard to fight cancer only to find out it has returned? She did all the right things. She did the chemotherapy treatments. She did radiation. She had surgery. She took the medicines. She did everything right and still, things are so horribly wrong and I just don’t understand why. It isn’t fair, life isn’t fair, and I’m angry. But, I’m also scared.
We all fall down sometimes. We do our best to stay upright but sometimes, we just can’t. We trip and fall and sometimes, when we least expect it. And usually, it’s not hard to pick ourselves up and keep going but sometimes, it’s not that easy. Sometimes, it’s really, really hard, especially when the wind gets knocked out of you and you can’t get a breath. You try really hard to breathe but it’s just too overwhelming and you feel yourself sinking…needing a hand to help you up. Sometimes there’s someone there to help you and sometimes there’s not. Sometimes you have to figure out a way to get up on your own. Sometimes you have to struggle really hard to even get up on your knees but you do it because you want to do it. You know you need to do it…you have to do it, because if you don’t…you might just die.
And in the back of my mind, no matter how hard I try, there’s a teeny, tiny fear that’s dug into my brain. It’s planted its feet and no matter what I do, I can’t get it out. That teeny, tiny fear pops up every now and then and reminds me its there, like today…when I heard about Linda’s cancer coming back. I know our stories aren’t the same but they’re very, very similar. I felt afraid when I read Linda’s post about how her doctors found the cancer had spread. That little fear that has been dwelling in my brain stood at attention and I’m sure had a big smirk on its face as my heart raced and I began to tremble. I called my husband and told him about my friend and then I began to weep. He held me tightly and let me cry. I told him I was so sad about Linda’s news and I also told him I was really scared. Do you know what he did? He made me look him in the eyes and said, “We have to have faith.” And I do. I have faith, a pretty big faith, I think, but sometimes, it gets tested and sometimes, I fail the test.
So God, please help me in my unbelief. Please help me remember when I am afraid, to trust in You. You say in your word that if I have faith as big as a mustard seed…and even though I think I have a faith that big, I’m not quite sure…but you say, if I do, I have the power to say to a mountain be moved and it will move. Oh, Lord, I want so desperately to believe. I want to trust you with everything that’s in me…but sometimes, I fall down. I just have to be reminded that when I do, I need to get back up again. And hopefully, I can be there for Linda and help her remember, too, because I know she’s scared and she’s down right now. Would you please pray for her? She really needs your prayers.
© bonnie annis all rights reserved