Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Help! I can't find my boobs!

This morning I was getting ready to go for my physical therapy appointment. I'd already had my shower and was just about to finish dressing. All I needed to complete my ensemble was my mastectomy bra and prostheses. I went to the dresser to retrieve my boobs from the storage containers and they weren't there! Since I have two sets of boobs, one small and one large, I looked in the second drawer and as I unzipped the storage boxes, my larger set of boobs was MIA too! Puzzled, I stood in my bedroom thinking. Had someone stolen my breasts??? No, that couldn't be. No one would want those things. Where could I have put my boobs? Since I don't usually wear them when I'm at home, they should have been right where they were supposed to be, but they weren't. Hmmm...After a few minutes, I decided to do a quick search of the house.

I looked in the bathroom, our bedroom and on all the flat surfaces in between those rooms thinking I must have laid them down somewhere. Because of their weight, I often remove my fake boobs as soon as I come in the door. They're uncomfortable and bothersome. My husband's gotten used to finding them flung over chairs, lying on tables, in the back seat of the car, and many other places. They usually end up in the strangest places and you'd think, since they cost so much money, I'd be more careful with them. Oh, I used to be. When I first got them, I was petrified they'd get damaged. Since my insurance company only allows me to get a new set of boobs every two years, I made sure to keep them in their little round zippered boxes resting gently in their little net hammocks so no harm would come to them. Since I've had them for a while now, I've gotten a little lax and my boobs aren't always cared for in a kind way.

My search continued and as I entered my dining room, I noticed something lying in the fruit bowl and it wasn't fruit. There dangling over the bowl was my black mastectomy bra and my set of small prostheses. I was so thankful to find them. As I picked them up, I remembered what had happened and how they'd ended up in the fruit bowl. The night before we'd gone out shopping. It had been extremely hot and my fake boobs had caused me to start sweating. Having that silicone against my chest was not fun and I'd struggled with them all through the store. I kept tugging and pulling at the bra trying to get a little air circulation going. After working for a while to remedy the problem, I told my husband I was going to them off the minute I got home and that's exactly what I did. I'd placed groceries on the kitchen counter, reached up under my shirt, unhooked my bra and released the culprits. I'd been so frustrated I'd flung the bra and boobs across the room not caring where it landed. As I remembered what I'd done, I couldn't help but laugh and be grateful we hadn't had company come by before I'd moved my lingerie to a more suitable place.

I took my small boobs and bra into the bedroom and lay them on the bed. I'd be wearing those to my appointment so there was no need to put them away. I still had no clue where my larger set of boobs was and I needed to find them so once again, I went looking. I searched high and low and couldn't find them.  They were nowhere in the house. If they were not inside the house, that must mean they were outside the house. I looked on the carport and they weren't there. Rats! This was not funny. My boobs cost about $600 per set. I couldn't let them just disappear. As I was trying to figure out where they might be, a thought crossed my mind. Check the car! Ahhhh!!! Yes. As I opened the car door and peeked inside, I saw one end of my white bra draped over a utility basket in between the bucket seats. Once again, I'd removed my boobs because of being uncomfortable. We'd gone out to eat and as soon as we'd gotten in the car, I'd whipped them out and plopped them into our little storage bin.

I've always hated wearing a bra. For me, it was one of the most ridiculous things ever. Why would you want to bind up your breasts and make them be held tightly in a brassiere? But that's what society expects and that's what we do. After years of practice, I learned to take off my bra without ever removing my blouse. I was all about modesty, you know. All I'd do was reach up toward my middle back, unfasten the hook and eyes, slip my arm inside my shirt, slide down one bra strap, put my arm back into my shirt sleeve and do the same on the other side. When the bra was free and clear, I'd grasp it firmly and sling it out from under my shirt. It was an art and I'd mastered it. But removing a bra that was empty was a little easier than one that was full. An empty bra flies through the air with the greatest of ease, while a full one usually lands with a thud. My sweet hubby has learned to duck and cover to avoid being hit by flying silicone boobies. And he knows, no matter where I am, if I've reached my breaking point in wearing them, they are coming off no matter who's around, where we are, or what we might be doing.

I was so glad to have found my second set of boobs. I took them inside and put them away. It's a good thing I'd remembered to check the car. It's been in the upper 90s the past few weeks and even hotter inside our vehicle. I don't know if silicone melts at high temperatures but I'm sure my boobs could have become warped or misshapen if nothing else. I guess I'd better learn to take better care of my prostheses. I'll admit, I've been taking them for granted lately. I'll try to make the effort to put them in their proper place from now on but I can't promise. If I get tired of wearing them, they're probably going to still come off quickly so beware! If you're around and you see me reaching up the back of my shirt it means I'm about to take action. You might want to bend over quickly to avoid getting pegged by a flesh colored silicone projectile. It could do some physical damage or it could just make you laugh hysterically, either way, you'd probably do best to be prepared. You just never know how long I can keep them on...

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